It has been sometime since i sit dwn and really write (type).
The past 2 weeks was really very bad. I have learnt to speak positive n i shouldnt be saying things like ‘bad’, ‘lousy’ and all the negative etc.
But, it was really very bad, though bad, i believe there is hope and is not the end.
There are differences in opinions at home and i thank God that after i prayed and praised, the problem doesnt really seem to matter and i see improvements.
Sister is actually caring towards the family, just that, she might still be at the age of wanting more freedom and time outside for herself.
I was expecting her to be like me, which is very wrong and i realise my mistake.
Recently, i am very close to my mum and i stick to her as much as i can, as often as i can, as long as i have time.
Mum will come to mind 1st whenever my frens ask me out, i will think of her (whether she is alone, whether she is hungry and etc).
I find it weird how ‘sticky’ i am to her recently, is like, i love her so much more than anytime of my life, i feel i cant do without her, i haven had this feeling for VERY long and the last time i had this feeling, i guess i was 7 or 8 years old.
Anyways, family is good and all i ask for is their safety everyday, and may God shower them His love and Mercy, with the Holy Spirits! 😀
Recently, i start to have weird dreams, alot of dreams of alot of people and situations.
To be very honest, i feel nothing towards my ex (the very last 1). I can NEVER forget what he did to me. i have encounter numerous men but never 1 as bad as this, with abuse and betrayals and violence all combined.
If you ask me if i have forgiven him, i think i did because i really feel nothing, no hatred no love. Is like hw you feel towards a complete stranger.
I cant really explain but anyone here knows what i am talking about??
Is like, you know what this person did before, but you feel nothing, not hurt towards those hurts he gave (anymore).
Ok whatever it is, the thing is, i dun understand y he always come to my dreams and i feel very disgusted in the morning and nope, i do not miss him a bit. So, it cant be the case that i am missing him and thus i dream of him. i am absulutely sure about this. (dont ask why because i wont tell, i shall just say, i rather miss some1 else. :p)
Thats not so nice. (the dream of him)
Then, i dreamt of a friend that i recently stopped talking to. hmm. Better dream but i feel i really miss him alot the moment i wake up.
Not so nice either.
We were once talking to each other everyday (for awhile) and then we stopped, we argued, we (tried to) sort out our differences and eventually ‘stopped’ contacting.
I realised, nothing is so bad to the stage of cutting off contacts and etc. But i am done with being unappreciated.
I have weird dreams that make me run around throughout the night and i woke up feeling like i really ran for the whole nite. Physical and mental tiredness!
At the same time, i found out that i have been mistaken about something all this while.
Work is just..ok, i wont declare the bad, i know the sly and scheming plans of certain people but i just confess that i will be able to do God’s work in my work and i will prosper.
The worse feeling came when my own cell group mates are behaving worse than secular world.
I do not wish to talk much about this as i feel it isnt right. I guess i will get the problem solved, if not, God will.
Please do not be mistaken, my church, City Harvest, is STILL a very good place with good pastors, good teachings.
About the ‘cheating of $ crap’, oh please, i am still giving and i know i am giving to what,who and where.
I cant be bothered anymore about the accusations and i standby the church’s purposes.
However, a good church with good teachings is one thing, you cant control who step into the church.
Every person that steps into the church has a choice of behaving like Christ or THE OPPOSITE.
God not only give us chances but also the ability to make choices, right?
Thus, some people might have chosen to act like Christ and at the same time, forgotten that Christ is a humble person when He was on earth, He is compassionate, He doesnt go after fame nor did He serve only the rich or with status.
Christ choose to trust every1 and thus gives every1 the ability to make choices.
I am greatly disappointed to see the people i am supposed to love or trust and care about, to be arrogant, to be talking to only the ones with status.
I know the only way is to Pray. I can honestly pray to change how i feel, how i want to handle and accept such disappointments.
Because i can never pray and ask for God to change them, what God wants to do with them, thats their business and it doesnt invovle me.
But i am just a human, i feel hurt and seriously disappointed.
The world is so realistic, if you are someone, of status, you are wise. If not, you are just a normal office worker. Sad but alot of people view Success in the monetary and status terms. However, i feel it shouldnt be the way because if i can care for a high ranking person, the more i should care for a dish washer. Ntg against any occupations, but, really, we should care for the person as a person and not because of his or her occupation or status.
Yes, i might not be drawing $10000 a month now, i might not be a boss (yet) 🙂 but it doesnt mean i am always small. So i dont despise myself, but yes, i do feel i get certain discrimination at times. This doesnt happen only in my cellgroup, it is the world we are living in.
I been to otherchurches, n yes, this problem occurs everywhere and not only City Harvest, i guess it is how the world works. But Thank God, i might not be filthy rich now, i am very happy with my life. At least i am not lacking nor in poverty. My life is good.
I thank God that not every1 is so concern about status. Jam (a very smart person, holding high post in a MNC that draws a high salary monthly) is someone that i appreciate a lot because he has never make me feel bad about myself, instead, he is so edifying in giving his valuable advices and he is very encouraging. His wife Chris, is also very kind and to my surprise, she is the ONLY one that understand what i am feeling! Despite my differences with Seven, she is also someone that spend time talking to me and i know who really cares for me. Is not many, but, thank God, is enough.
I emphasize, it has ntg to do with the church, is that handful of people that can disappoint you. Do not be surprised that people might disappoint you and some of them might be the closest to you, might be your family, frens, or churchmates. This can happen anywhere and at anytime. I believe, it doesnt only happen in my church, i been tru and i heard enough of human disappointments in other churches, in temples and in anywhere. It is simply a human issue. Not Church nor Religion issue. My friend, is having such issue right at home with her own relatives (dvoted taoist).
A summary of my past 2 weeks. There are more to these but i guess thats enough negativity. I am just a human, i have stress too.
But it doesnt mean i am far from God, i believe no matter what happens, despite my sadness and tiredness, i have God with me and caring for me.
Thank you God for the strength. This might be a moulding season, please show me what do U want me to see and experience here.
I confess, Good is coming!
People, you may feel i am in denial or jst putting a front of being positive.
But, honestly, being positive is a choice. It is not in built and you will never be born with positivity. Along the way, you will be disappointed, you will be saddened, especially by human beings.
Thus, if you do not choose to be positive, there is nothing else you can do and before you know it, Depression sets in.
Yes, it is very realistic in this world, either you are sad or you are not, so before your brain and mind is screwed, when you are still sound and fine, you better make up your mind and make a choice. I CHOOSE TO NOT be sad.
I am quite well balanced, (i hope) :p I do get sad and i am very emotional, but thank God for that. Unlike my friend, Seven, each time, i tell her my problems, all she can tell me is ” I wont be affected if i am you. if i am you, i cant b bothered. I wont b sad.” I wish to tell her, ‘thats u, not everyone else and definitely not me. please let me be me.’
I personally feel, is good to be so STRONG. but i dont think Christ make us to b emotionless, of cos, i wish i can be, but too bad, i am just very sensitive, very emotional. Thats me. I thank God that i have compassion too, thats how i start helping people around me that are facing problems with emotions – be it work stress, break up, etc. Multiple clients of mine thank me for helping them even though they might not be doing busines with me. That really warms my heart.
I am not saying i am extremely helpful, i try my best. But i feel, to be able to help, you have to be compassionate and have feelings instead of being able to feel only JOY and not being able to feel other emotions because Christians are NOT (supposed to be) heartless. It doesnt mean that, with God, you will no longer feel sad. Christianity dont work that way.
Maybe there are plenty of reasons why people are reluctant to go to church, the above mentioned, is it familiar to you?
I once felt that the secular world is much better with acceptance and no condemnination. Church is a judging ground which you r to be judged the moment you set your foot in. Thus, i was reluctant in Christianity in the past.
Well, all i can say is, God is ALWAYS GOOD. If you ever experience Him, you will have a kind of joy and love in you which you will never be able to get from any1 else. But people in church, honestly, dont expect much of EVERYONE.
Not that every1 is bad or mean, definitely not, but there are bound to be a few that might not match your expectations.
Anyway, it also means, i have to keep myself very positive now. I am having a prayer meeting with Seven and Chris. Honestly, i kinda dread it because i have been feeling kinda distant from Seven ever since i notice the change in her. Whatever goes, i gave up on giving my ‘advices’, i am not being selfish, i tried my best in sharing my thoughts and is more than once.
May God bless me with Peace, for U are peace tat stays in me.
Anyways, this is perhaps the first time i am actually writing my most honest feeling here. You guys always see me posting about happiness, joy and all, just to let you guys know, i am a human and i have stress too. I have feelings too. Realistic enough?
So, by Faith, i will post a very happy post the next. Glory to Jesus! 🙂
Some photos i took with my dearest below:
Nice hor? I took this while taking a walk last night. You guess where (was i). I wont say. Is too easy!
My holiday well spent with my beloved Aunt and Mum! 😀
Mum is SO CUTE! ❤
I honestly did not regret not going for that dinner gathering at all. I cant imagine going there to be nagged at and to be judged of. I had so much fun accompanying my mum and aunt! 🙂
Sis and i! 🙂