Believe. Faith. Love. When they are alive, HE is alive.

Archive for April, 2013

To You, You and You!

i honestly do not understand why some people can lie through their teeth.

i really do not know why r some guys so thick skin to keep messaging and expecting a reply.

i frankly feel disgusted when these kinda guys message a dozens of gals and trying their luck with each and everyone at the same time.

i sincerely wish you and you and you can back off and STOP messaging me like i am “1 of those fruits you choose in the market”

i therefore hope you can …..get lost?

Please i beg.

p/s i am so tempted to list the names here. horrible. lol. btw, if you see me not replying you, please is not hard to understand y. so dont ask already. eww

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Right or Wrong?

Hi.

Actually, i never want to touch on such topic as it is really sensitive. Ok, perhaps not sensitive but it is not really worth debating over- because it will take ages and there will not be any conclusion anyway.
It is the usual thing – different perspectives from different individuals.

We should respect each other,i agree with that. We should respect each other’s choices and thinkings.
So instead of arguing our own perspective through, perhaps we should let it go and stop teaching others what to do and what not to do.

Take for example, Xiaxue and her pregnancy and her baby. I see so many people teaching her what to do and what not to do during her pregnancy.
I was not offended because i do not even know her personally. I was not really angry but i was disturbed when these people started to wana take control of her pregnancy and life. I was questioning how Genuine were these people, do they truly care for her or were they just being 1 of those that want to get involved in everything, even with the person they do not fancy, even with the blogger they detest?

Yea, human should not tell each other what they should or shouldnt do. But sometimes, genuine advises don’t hurt at all.

SO ENOUGH OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL TALKS and back to what i really want to say!

Anyway, why i am writing about this is because i was pissed this morning.
Yes, i get irritated rather easily. Thus i went to take a breather and calm myself down before i write this. LOL

Ok, relax, it isnt something so serious anyway. Hurhur.

Let just say, i have a friend name B.

I shall call him B because his gf is some lunatic stalker freak -i think. (sorry for that name because you will find out later)

I do not want to be called a r/s wrecker again you see. (just in case)

Ok, B sent me flowers out of friendship and to cut the long story short, his crazy gf found out from i dont know where and he questioned me about it.

I was lik WTF?

Pardon my French.

But it was really WTF to me… i mean, i do not appreciate being questioned about if i went to tell the gf about the flowers.
This is plain ridiculous.

Why?

BECAUSE

1) if you are game enough to send flowers to other women other than your gf, then u r prepared for any questionings from the gf right?

AND THAT SHOULDNT BE MY PROBLEM???

2) why would i go and tell the gf because i didnt even have the intention to break or wreck up any r/s.
Especially Not yours for sure. I am not that desperate for a r/s, a man, or YOU? (not a question, it is a statement)

In Fact, i have never thought of us in that way.

Ok, i admit the things i said and did might have misleading effects, shrugs.

But whatever.

Oh ok, Sorry.

I was just pissed the other time, for being questioned if i went to tell the gf. Even if i really like you and went to tell your gf, you dont freaking question me like that. Because i shouldnt be the one carrying the burden of this ‘problem’ and you should be the one.
Yes, sorry to say that. I know it is a bit unfair to Men but this is how it works what. If a Man cant even account and stand up for what he did, what kinda Guniang is that?
Is like, you heard of ‘Gentleman’ and not ‘Gentlewoman’ right?

But thank God i did not do such despicable act if not i wouldnt respect myself either.  But I wouldnt even do that even if you are Brad Pitt lah.

#Justsaying
Hope i am understood.

Then, we are cool with things again because he apologized. I am ok to let matter rest.

We chatted and randomly, although not surprisingly, i saw how many sleazy FB pages and Weibo pages he followed or liked.
I dont mean to stalk  but it shows up lah. Look, it is Internet, you can see who you befriend and what pages you like right?

(I have alot of guy friends who did that and i am used to seeing such but  honestly, i am not trying to say i am free of lust or anything but i just dont go around liking pictures of Penises. :/ )

Yes, i mentioned that alot of my guy friends go around liking those sleazy FB pages and websites that shows boobs, almost naked or naked photos of all kinds – thais, chinese, japs, wadever nationality.

Like what kind? You ask me.

Here it is- an example:

disgustingsorry that i kinda covered up some parts.
It isnt gross on bed if you are doing it with your gf lah, but it is gross to put it here because i am not hosting a Porn site lah. -_-

I wouldnt judge and say they are bad guys but for sure, i definitely wouldnt have a good impression on someone lidat or consider dating someone lidat.

I know i know i know that it is guys or even human nature to look at sexy and intimidating sleazy pictures, i sometimes have that urge to take a 2nd look at pictures of long legs and cleavages too – well we cant deny a woman’s shape is 1 of the most amazing creations ever, Right?

But liking such pictures, websites, contents and FB pages – SO FREQUENTLY and it turn into an addiction and habit…is a little too much isnt it?

Not to mention, it is abit degrading.

I mean, why would one need to be so hooked on such pornographic stuff? It is ok to look, but to look at them on a regular basis like you are addicted to it? Not sure if that is Normal, yes it is def Common but Common doesnt means Normal. :/

Actually… Lust and Addiction doesnt necessary has to be linked to sex nor drugs.

Lust can be anything, like a gal can actually lust over Chanel.

You know what i mean? And Lust is actually very unhealthy.
Thus i wud say also, that any brand suckers are also very unhealthy.
In my opinion.

Ok anw, back to where i stopped off.  B actually told me that it is a virtue to be honest and open about such addiction.

I AM SPEECHLESS.

How can doing something so low, be a virtue??? Whats more is, you have a GF  for goodness sake?!

I was very pissed by such lame excuses for such cheap doings but is fine, i mean, i am disgusted because of the excuses and lameness.
But as i am nobody but a friend, i have no special/ romantic liking towards this friend, it is fine. Not like i am the wife or what right.

I feel sad for the gf though.

Then, today..we were talking about some silly gossip- Aaron Kwok splitting with his beau of 7 years.

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It is really silly because nobody wud bother much about these celebs break ups. I am just being the usual me, bored and wanted to just read about such gossips.

So i randomly told him that Aaron Kwok is quite a jerk for being irresponsible, errr i dont like that ex gf of his anyway but i just find him irresponsible lah – as a man.
But i do like Aaron’s face. LOL

He spoke up for Aaron Kwok  as usual, because apparently Aaron Kwok is his idol or something.

I expected it but i didnt really expect someone to be so oblivious  just because the person who committed the irresponsible act is a Man, and an idol.

Look, why did i say that Aaron Kwok is irresponsible is because i feel that any man who wana be serious with his gf would have married or proposed sometime after they have dated. Of course, time frame is not the most important issue in a r/s.
Some people get married after 2 mths of dating, some take 10 over years. But honestly, anything above 3 years is alittle too long to me.

I am not sure about you, but the really responsible men i met or know, cant wait to marry the gal once they are financially stable, and emotionally stable.
And that dont really take 7 long years.

Sure, i did said that time isnt the most important issue in a r/s but frankly, how many 7 years can a gal holds?
Even if she doesnt mind (which i doubt. yes, such gals exist but what are the chances- maybe 2 out of 10?)
7 years of youth, from a gal who is in her prime, in her twenties till now…i think the gal is in her 30s :/
All given to a man and this man has never given her any status by acknowledging her as his gf.

Thats worse than not proposing lah.

and thats the irresponsible part i am referring.

I seriously find that its a tad too much and yes he happens to be a celeb but we all know he is almost 50 and i dont think he needs to ‘maintain’ any image (if he has any except being a playboy)
I am sure the fans or whoever that are concern will be happy for him if he can settle down right?

So whats the problem? Why didnt he admit his r/s with this gal despite many photos taken.
So is she a fling or what?
Someone that he isnt proud to even acknowlege or what?

Ok, in case you think  that i am being too uptight about Celebs gossips…i nida emphasize, i am talking more of the r/s issue and not so much on Aaron Kwok and his Ex here.

My point is, despite any happenings (whether the gal is good or not, whether she wants marriage or not, whether she is a bitch or not), if you are still dating her after almost a decade (a decade is 10 years, so 7 years is…ok lah, almost a decade what) then you should at least admit her as your gf or have plans to marry her right?

If she is a bitch and she isnt worth marrying or if you are not sure if she is the 1, u shld just break off right? So you wouldnt be wasting her time and your own time right?

I feel it is a Man’s responsibility to be able to give sense of security to the woman he loves or wants.
Lets not look at this case as ‘Aaron Kwok’ the celeb.
If it is just a normal man, what other excuses would 1 have? (but as i mentioned before, it doesnt matter if he is a celeb or not because he is already outdated and nobody cares about his celeb status now because he isnt BigBang or Justin Bieber and i dun think it is wrong for me to say that people wud rather see or hear that he settle dwn than breaking another gal’s heart AGAIN)

So B was saying that i do not know what went wrong in the r/s and i shouldnt judge and all.

Sure.

I shouldnt judge but i aint saying what the others are saying of Aaron, I aint saying that he is a jerk because he sleeps around or because he is known to be a flirt and all.

My point here is, no matter who, celeb or not, a Man should be responsible and should be able to acknowledge the gf (he has never do so even  after 7years) and thats the only right thing to do, as a Man (despite status) Isnt it?

Well, he argued with me and pulling all the other philandering Male celebs in and blaming them, digging their scandals and all.

I was lik What The Heck?

I aint arguing here as a Fan leh, i am stating the facts about Irresponsible Men!?

Ok, so i cant be bothered to go on anymore.

Check this out, this is ridiculous:

B: maybe he wanted to marry her already leh?

I was like… why am i wasting my time talking abt this shitty piece of news with someone like B?

Then i remembered : i aint talking abt Aaron Kwok, i am in fact talking abt the responsibiliy of a Man lah!

And i was kinda pissed because i was putting myself in the gal’s shoes. I think if i have a daughter and my daughter is dating some1 for 7 years but the guy has no intention of marrying her, i will ask her to wake up her idea.
But! But if she didnt want to get married, i will prolly ask why and feel upset inside me (LOL) and perhaps just let her be…

BUT IF THE GUY SHE IS DATING DID NOT WANT TO OPENLY ADMIT THAT SHE IS HIS GF FOR 7 YEARS….i think i might disown her because i cant believe i will have sucha silly daughter! Haha. Kidding but i will really be very upset for her.

So, honestly, i wonder how B will feel if this happen to his daughter…like dating a irresponsible guy who refuses to acknowledge her as gf.

But as expected, we cudnt come to an agreement on this ‘ A MAN’s Responsiblity” issue. So we kinda stop talking.

Frankly, it is not  B i am complaining. I know everyone has their own thinking and i cant make every1 tinks like me.
But if the guy friends around me, if my dates, if my co workers think and behaves like B, i am screwed, i will cry.

1stly, i cant appreciate Men lusting over sleazy stuff online OPENLY (you may lah, i mean, you are an adult so you def have the right to make choices ma) but i dont like such men lah.

(Oh, even worse for guys who are attached. I know there are plenty. But i think there is still a small group of Men in the world that doesnt do such stuff lah. )
It reflects alot on a Guy i would say.
Imagine seeing Obama’s fb being linked to various sleazy pages…Omg Gross. dont even want to think about it.

These overly lustful men can also say they wont like a petty pricky woman like me too, i am fine leh.

Yes, some do it in the dark, thats worse. Definitely.

Integrity is doing something right even in the dark. So it will be best if a guy do not lust over such stuff so much, YES EVERYONE IS LUSTFUL I KNOW but you do not have to make it an addiction or habit right!
(is like, everyone likes fried chicken but do you eat it daily just because you like it? No what, you wud think of your weight, your shape, and most importantly- your health what! No?)

So, if you really cant be healthy and you need to …you know…look at boobs and feel high behind that keyboard, FINE.
But at least be discreet lah. 
I am not teaching Men to be sneaky ok, but i really dont get it why some men can feel no shame and say it is a virtue to be open about it.
Need to be proud of being open about seeing naked women bodies daily meh???

I cant appreciate people (Men especially) making excuses for their wrongdoings. Sure, i do that too, sometimes.
Every human err and i agree that nobody should judge anyone about that.

But honestly, making excuses for being irresponsible is really not sexy lah. Especially when a Man does that, it is so so not appealing.
Not Macho at all.

Ok, i aint a perfect woman, and i know i shouldnt even judge or discriminate horny and irresponsible men…LOL…but i just cant help it but write what i feel here. Because i am triggered to.
I believe almost every woman would feel the same too.

Of course, i admit that there are irritating things that women do that will piss a man off too. I cant deny that at all.
Thus we are all not perfect.

But….. But… But….What i wrote above is really….cant explain it, just something from me that i wana pen my views on…

Can’t help it if you dont like what you read.

Conclusion is…there isnt Right nor Wrong but whatever a person does, determines his or her character value.

How much are you worth then?

Lana Del Rey – Serial Killer

Miracles

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Why not?

 

鄭秀文 – 不要驚動愛情


Vdates – the broken one.mid Apr 2013

Hi.

I do not know what to say or how to start but i am gona do it before this blog turns into another dead piece of place.

First of all, i am better but i am obviously still hurting. This hurt has turned from something so raw to an inner hurt from within.

Imagine Pain from a raw wound to an internal pain in the bones kinda pain.

Yeap.

It is very painful but since i am still breathing, i guess i have to just bite on…

I was feeling so lethargic and i wonder why. Because i am not usually that tired (yes i am tired but not till this extent)… I woke up feeling super restless and really really sleepy. I wonder why. I slept earlier than usual (used to be 1am) and has been sleeping earlier at around 10+ or 11pm.

Yet, i am feeling super super drainned.

Frankly, i am quite worried.

I was reading around and i chance upon articles about Depression.

HERE.

I cant help feeling afraid because it is the symptoms i have been experiencing.

It is total sadness.

I once heard that, if you want to overcome your fear or depression, you have to face the reality that you are depressed or you have to come face to face and confront your fear (be it fear of height, fear of getting into another r/s and fear of whatever)

Yes, i know i am depressed emotionally but i did not expect myself to be depressed in the health, i did not expect myself to be mentally unhealthy- that’s what i mean.

And honestly, i find it hard to go home. I return home with a heavy heart and i hate to face the people at home. I dont hate the people but i just hate to face them.

Especially my sister. Life seems normal for her, she does not feel anything and yes, perhaps she shouldnt be feeling anything… Not that i hope that she is living in misery but it pricks me to see her so nonchalant and ignorant about the hurts she has brought.

In another words, she is trying hard to be a stranger in a family and thats not exactly something i ought to be happy about.

Returning home now is just like going back to a House to sleep, eat and bathe.

Right, that home i used to call home, is now a house to me. No love, No Warmth, Nothing.

Thats what she described when she was young and when there wasnt anyone with her in the family.

Ironically, now that everyone is around, trying to make things better (except that abusive Dad of mine, he isnt around anymore) and i feel even more lonely than ever. The House is now filled with people, but the loneliness is not any lesser, but worse.

I hope she is happy that i am getting this treatments, that i have to go through loneliness with more people in the family which she went through alone years back.

Yes, i am tasting the shit, i am also recalling how Dad used to abuse me and dote on you. Are you happy now that i am worse off than you?

Do you still feel that you are the only Victim in the family now?

I can assure you that i am going through Hell now, are you glad?

I have been praying to God for Grace and Forgiveness. I cant stand the fact that she is so blinded by her selfishness and she cant see the hurts she caused me. I do not know how to overcome now and i really pray that i can see her and look at her, her doings, in God’s way, through God’s eyes.

Because my own eyes failed and my heart for her failed and died.

This blog is started to spread Positive thinking and stuffs.

I did not imagine that it can be so hurtful and low, but i am sorry guys, i cant hold it inside me anymore. Suicidal thoughts are worse and everytime i think about what might happen after i am dead, i cant help thinking that it might be better if i am dead.

But looking at it, my mum would probably be so hurt and she wud have wasted all her efforts in bringing me up…

My friends might forget me, shrugs. I dont even dare to think of what my sister will feel.

1 of my favorite artiste suicides and he left the world feeling so upset for his departure from earth. – is that really what i want for my Mum?

Suicide is not a feasible solution, afterall? …….

I am also trying my best to be better and to recover… Trust me, i am doing my best…

Just to take a break from all these sadness (i am not emo. i am really very upset.  & i guess it is not hard to understand.i will never emo for things that are pointless)

Since the sister has decided to back out from the ‘plan’ we had initially, i have to start the journey alone, yes all by myself. It is not a bad thing but it is not really worth being happy.

In any way, i will have to continue the plan and not letting circumstances bring me down, right?

The Sister’s friend did told me that he is more concern about my family well being than my plan. I appreciated that thought but honestly, instead of holding on to something that is not within my control… i have to grab on to something which i can control isnt it?

Do i hv to lose everything before the whole Depression gets worse?

So thats that for my ‘plan’. Will share more when things are more firmed.

I got myself registered in the recent craze (not so much in Singapore but more of TW, HK and China). Weibo.

My account is so new and i honestly feel ashamed, terribly ashamed that i cant even navigate.

It is all in Chinese, not  that i cant read Chinese but honestly, to read everything in Chinese is really tedious and i feel giddy while doing  that.

Some of its instructions are so deep (to me) and i just want to give up using it.

It is like Twitter but much much harder (maybe language aside, the way it is constructed is really not very user friendly).

Ayte, i started it for fun, for stalking of Celebs (if i hv the time) so it doesnt matter.

If you r a weibo user, do add me up and perhaps you can guide me how to use!

My Weibo is at http://weibo.com/valliezfaith or you can find me at Valliez Lesley.

Not sure how to add friends even, dont ask me. Ha.

I went over to visit GF again and i frankly felt better though it is hurting inside me the whole while. But Cel and the 4 doggies did their part and their best to cheer me up.

We played and we had fun with our ‘mini project’ and we  drank the very not nice Champagne that i brought over. Chatted till dawn and i really like the time spent.

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Gf looking prettyIMG_20130413_12 IMG_20130413_3 IMG_20130413_14
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perhaps one’s sadness can really be told through the eyes. they say i have sad eyes. WT!

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Thanks babies. 🙂 I really feel slightly better that night…

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Its been sometime!

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Random play
(lyrics seems legit now, for me)

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Then it is time for Church on Sat. I did not serve that particular Sat because i do not think i have the capacity to minister to hurting people when i am hurting and doubting. Perhaps i am still not vry mature in handling my own emotions and minister works. But i guess is better that i acknowledge it than forcing it through.

Well, someone went with me, though i appreciate that someone went with me but i am really not thankful that the whole thing bores him and the whole outing was like crap. Full of boredom and sadness. Like i say, i have no special feeling or yearning towards someone &/ or anyone right now.

Anyway, i do not need anyone to accommodate to me anymore, if it is not to your liking, then dont do it on account of me. In short, dont do anyting for me against ur liking.

Well, whatever.

The movie later on that Sat was TERRIBLY CRAPPY – the Exorcism part 2 or something. It deserves 0.5 star over 5 stars. I dont even know how i manage to give it 0.5 stars. It is the lousiest movie i watched in these 2 years i think. Please dont even try. Just wait for Fushion or wadever.

What really was the best on Sat was Pastor Kong’s Sermon on Saturday.

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It touches me as it really touches the raw wound i am having. As usual. I used to find it hard to hear from God during tough times but i have to be thankful that most of the time, when i am desperately hurt and in need, God still speaks to me.

That day, Church sang a worship song and i cant remember the title but there was this lyrics that goes: I am desperate for you (Jesus)

Honestly, life is not at its best but it has been great till this recent family sadness happened. I did not forget Jesus of course, before, during the incident. But i admit i was abit slacked off before this incident.

Also, whenever i help to minister to someone hurting, telling and assuring the person about God, days later i will be confronted by the Devil of the same doubts as that person whom i ministered to.

You might be thinking “then i really wont dare to help anyone anymore” I have that thinking too. But honestly, thank God and Holy Spirit, i can never bear to see some1 in pain so i will always help if i can, even if it means i will have to go through trials myself.

Anyway, i just want to say, no matter if i am going through trials because my leaders are going through trials or whether i wud go through trials because  i am doing God’s works…. I will bite on and not stop doing whats right because God’s favour will be on people who have a heart for Him and doing His works.

Yes, i am very very hurt and depressed still… but that doesnt mean God is unreal right? I believe He is still with me, probably He hasnt show up or show any solution yet but by Faith, i believe. Even Oxygen doesnt seem like it is  physically there, but i still breathe in Oxygen right?

Ok, continuing where i left off, after worship song, i realise that i really am desperate for Jesus now. It is human nature, when you are in trouble, you will then cry louder and yearn deeper for your Saviour. Right?

Pastor Kong went on to preach about Faith. It is a common topic for any Christian and honestly, if i did not go through the hurts i have in Family, i will probably sleep on this topic again. It seems like ‘Faith’ has been overly preached.
Probably this is the time i should receive Words abt Faith again.

I cant remember the whole sermon, and i used to think that is very bad. But i grew to realise and know that, you do not need to understand the whole sermon to be edified. Even if you only receive 1 point out of the many points, you have received the Word that you needed.

I remember Pastor Kong saying this (this has been said many times by different pastors before too but i guess i needed this reminder hard in the face) – The devil has came to steal, steal what? Steal your wealth? Steal your house? Steal your income? Steal your bf/gf? The devil can steal everything but everything else can be recovered, eg. income can be cut but you will never b jobless forever if you r willing to work.
There is one thing that is dangerous that the devil steal & this as it might not be recoverable  – your Faith.

My Faith was terribly shaken and i even blame God for not removing the label on me. The label of  ‘inferiority’ and ‘depression’. I questioned and i drifted away and i really feel a distance between Jesus and me. It was not until this sermon, which reminded me that Faith is something that bridges the distance between me and God. I am only far from God because my Faith is breaking and the bridge therefore is breaking..

My Faith is weak, it might not even be the size of a whole mustard seed, but i believe there is still a very tiny bit left and thus i am still around.

It is not easy to hang on, but it is also hard to  give up. 

Because who knows what is at the end of the tunnel?

What if that moment of success will come after the 20th time of failure and what if i am already already at my 20th time and the 21st time will be a success?

Pastor Kong went on to say about a woman who went to Pastor Cho bc of  her daughter. A daughter whom she nearly wanted dead because she is so terrible a person. The woman and her husband were feeling hopeless for the daughter.
Frankly, my sister isnt a very bad person, she is a sweet girl and i believe she is not one that wants me dead. At her age, i wasnt so concern about my family members too. Perhaps after some incident outside with my abusive and psychotic Ex, i realise that Family is still the best and i cherish my Family more than i used to.

Thus even though it is 2 different cases, but i find the relation way too similar, the way we feel hopeless (the woman and i ) about the family and the way we are disappointed with our kins.

Pastor Kong said that, for situation to change, we have to look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes. His perspective will never be bad, it will always be good. If we can look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes, things will change.

Frankly, i have never been able to look at my sister with Jesus’s eyes because His eyes is full of love and forgiveness. I am full of sadness and grievances for my Sister…

Thus i really pray that situation will change not by human nor actions but by Will of God.

Sidetrack from the sermon – After this incident, alot of people around me has been asking me to let go and Let God…even a co worker whom i do not see myself talking much to (not from the same company, more like a Marketing partner) will comfort me and pray for me, telling me that i should let go and Let God – (he doesnt know what happens thou)

I am rather thankful to Pastor Kong and my church, perhaps i am destined to be rooted here, to receive and to give. Even at this very minute, which Pastor has to face tremendous accusations and stress, he still manage to minister to broken souls and i am one of the broken souls… I am thankful to him, my church and of cos, God.

Here is a Video from the very anointed Pastor John Bevere to cheer us on during this crazy tough time 🙂 Click here.

Perhaps God really hasnt left me a bit, and i am still trying to find out more traits of God… Will you keep me in prayers?

Right, i have to go… and hopefully, the next time i am back, i will have better and happier stuffs to blog about…

My birthday is coming and i remember saying that i really love Birthdays but i did not expect things to turn out this way, even the Sister who once wanted to celebrate with me…is now not on talking terms with me…

Best Birthday present or what…

Upset, but i leave it all (emotions) to you, my Lord.

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Be Back soon,

Valliez Lesley

Tormented Soul

Its been a long week. The past 1 week was a torment to me. Totally.

I have to say, it is one of the worst moments ever since approximately 2 years ago.

My heart is extremely weary, my spirit is very very low.

I know i should not be speaking the negative but i cant help it.

This is the truth of what i am going through the past few days.

It may seem like i am exaggerating my pain but i rather say i am experiencing the excruciating accumulated hurts.

It was just not long ago, prolly 2 weeks ago, that i mentioned about ‘Depression is a Choice and not an uncontrollable Emotional State’

The way i see it now, my own words are biting back on me and chewing me off.

It was not  very long ago, i have been convincing my friend that no matter how helpless situation looks, God is with her, that God will never leave us and God has never left us.

But the words bite me back again.

I have me asking ” Is God really with you?”

“If God is with you, why isit the more you are trying your best, the worse it gets?”

“Are You sure that Jesus is real?”

All these questions are eating me up.

I have to admit i am Depressed, i am depressed with life, with stress, with the hurts and disappointment given by a closed one.

I have always wonder why certain Doctor couldnt cure themselves when they can perform miracles unto others. I wonder why there are depressed psychiatrists whom can cure others but not themselves.

I am not a Doc, but i can say i really do my part in reaching out to hurting people and re assuring them of how much they are loved and how things might be worse. I have taught people on being positive and live each day happily as it is because if life were to be miserable, we might as well vanish (die).

Die.

That’s a suicidal thought.

Yes, i have been through depression. But it doesnt mean i wont go through it again.

I have now acknowledged that Depression is not a choice. You cant choose to be “out of Depression”. You fall into it.

I have had suicidal thoughts because i feel life is hopeless when i met with disappointments and betrayals, hurts and mental torture.

But i have never wanted to end this life once and for all, so badly, not because i am angry, hurt not upset.

I wanted to end it just days ago because i feel Tired.

I am exhausted and restless.

And i wasnt talking about Physical Tiredness – those restless feeling you get after 10km of run kinda tiredness.

I found a blog that says exactly what kinda tiredness i am saying.

Tiredness Explained HERE.

I questioned why am i born in the first place.

I just want to sleep forever and rest my soul.

The weariness of each day is tearing me apart.

I put in my best, and so? What is so good about being my best?

There is no appreciation, there is only constant blaming and hurtful,spiteful words.

It makes me wonder, why do i want to be nice, why are the colleagues bullying me when i am nice? why is my sister turning into another stranger?

Why Why Why???

I have lost all faith and hope towards any person. I do not dare to yearn for a r/s with a Man. I totally have no wish to get involved.
So if you see this, i am Sorry.

I have tried to be my best at home and pinned all my yearnings/desires/love and hope in the family and i am screwed up.

I tried to put in effort in another aspect of my ‘Career’ and expect to achieve that dream but it seems more difficult than ever now.

I have tried to reach out to people but i realise the irony here is that i can help others but Not myself.

Pathetic.

I am just SO TIRED of everything.

It was terrible and i do not know what else can i say. It was hard for me to blog, hard for me to go online. It was hard for me to interact with people.

Yes, i had fun with my dearest gf Cel. But it was back to square 1 after the whole thing ended.

Even the gathering yesterday was a masked one. I wasnt happy but i am laughing my loudest.

Even going online on FB irks me.

Even tweeting on Twitter makes me sick.

Everything makes me extremely Sick.

Does anyone knows? I guess not. They are thinking – she is ok, she is alright, look she is having fun, she is posting pictures, she is playing games, she is liking other people’s statuses and pictures on FB, she is talking and laughing and taking pictures, she is jogging, she is still her.

Who really knows the real thing?

One mistake leads to another, i have no doubt about that at all.

First, it was the hurts at home, then it was the mistakes i made outside of home.

Its been ages since i last wanted to be in a decadent place, indulging old bad habits and doing things that will complicate my feelings, my life, another person’s life / feelings and whatnot. I am so not proud of the crap i did.

In every Aspect, i Fucked up.

Is this how a fallen person feel?

Hopeless, Full of Fear, Tearing non stop and Fearing non stop, no peace, no comfort, feeling empty and disappointed.

I can go on being like that or i can pick myself up and fight again.

But i am so tired to come up now. I just want to lie down flatly, doing nothing, feeling nothing.

Dont Give Up! – They said. It sounded easy and i said that million times.

I knew it wasnt easy but when i hear that from someone else, it Hurts….

I have been happy and joyful for so long until now… when will that joy be back i wonder… All i am thinking of now is ……

Yet, i have not throw in the towel.

Something struck me on Sat – Pastor Kong’s sermon.

Second thing struck me just last night – Sunday – Amazing Race with my Ministry Group & A sermon of Mary Magdalene.

They somehow suggested  that God is still watching me….still there with me…

God, Are You?

Where are you?

p/s more on the above incidents but allow me to be better. In the meantime, i need time for recovery and please keep me in prayers.

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