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On my way to what i want to do

IMG_20140123_5I am dying of boredom. Look, i have done what i need to do over HERE and i have more or less settled my personal work.
Before i can go ahead with any other work, i need my work mail to be set up first and i am waiting for the designer to do  that for me.

Have to admit, though i dont exactly sound like it, i am actually really really stressed. So stressed that i dont even want to face u guys and tt explains that emo picture on the left (taken by Johnnie :p)
I really cant wait to start my venture now but then it is CNY soon and that means i have to wait a little longer.

Actually, i was quite lost, in fact, i was never clear about what i really want in life (in terms of what i wana do/ my ambition). Maybe, even up till now, i am still not sure what i really want. Well, i had ambitions but obviously they didnt work out, i worked in many kinda industries before and there were ups and downs.

I do not know if there is anybody that is like me except for GF. hahahaha. But i know there are alot of lost sheeps out there still trying to figure out what they want to do in life. But really, out of 10 friends, i have prolly 1 friend that get to do what he/she wants. The rest are merely just surviving and keeping their rice bowls.
Sadly, this is life isnt it. I dont know, some say it is Singapore. But i really dont think going elsewhere can change this.
Ok, perhaps for the Sportsmen, then it is really the country’s culture and the govt (that kinda hinder their progress)

But for people like me… i am just aint sure about what i really want. I know what i enjoy doing but that doesnt necessary keep me  rooted in a certain place leh. Shrugs. But i am glad i am not so lost to the extent of just staying in a place to rot, that is USELESS and i still have not reach that stage yet (i doubt i will. thanks)

But anyway…

Let’s see what i wanted to be when i was young? HAHA!

1) Butcher – yah i wanted to be a butcher because whenever i go to the market with my Mum, i love it when she visit the butcher stall. The way they chop and cut the meat and all was just very cool to me. Shrugs. You may judge me.

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How on earth did i find this cool?  oh Lord.

 

2) Lawyer – a huge contrast from the above but basically because it is very cool to wear that black robe and white headgear (watched too many HK movies with Mummy when young)
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3) Doctor – again, it is that white robe and that telescope. Perhaps it is really all (JUST) about the uniform.

docDoctor looking lidat, who wants to recover  right? 

4) Cashier – i love that machine that goes “DING” when the cashier collect money. #LAME
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5) Teacher – this is crazy but really, i wana be a teacher because i love the ‘chalk sound’  the teacher made while writing on the board.

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6) Ok, this might be the most exciting job that i want to have..The Wheel of Fortune lady – you know the one that walk to the boxes and ‘lit’ them up whenever the contestant got the right alphabet or something? HAHAHHA. i think it is the most relak job + she gets to wear pretty clothes and look chio.

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I guess my childhood was really boring, i cant remember much but really, 6 different kinds of ambitions is really not very little (extreme contrast and differences  somemore)

When i was in my teens, i really just want to have fun and do nothing.
But of cos, on random day-dreaming times, i would imagine being a singer so i can have alot of $ and fame while doing what i love.
I wanted to be a radio dj because i can play songs i love but i couldnt  decide if i want to go the very cheena way because i might end up in channel 8 somehow or go the  ang mor pai way and end up dating random djs. (just kidding, no offence to any djs. opps)
But what i really wanted to be was just a journalist, to report news. But i have to admit, if i were to be a journalist, i will want to be a paparazzi.
Sorry, just Paparazzi, forget abt the Journalist part. hahah.Those fking irritating ones that snap and snap celebrities like a sniper and write exaggerated headlines.
If not, please send me to some countries and war zones  to cover some really big ass cases or ok la, i am also ok with the recent riots in Thailand. Just not Little India’s riot. Thanks.
Well, yah.

At my age now, which is over a quater of a decade…i have absolutely no idea what i really want to be. I have worked in the events industry, i have worked in a pub as a waitress (feeling useless daily because all i did was just drink and play games with customers), i have worked as promoters which the ignorant people term as “free lance models” now, i have worked as a sandwich maker in O’brians and i totally screwed the place up because i cant even make proper coffee nor sandwiches, not only that, i cant even wash plates, FML! I have worked as a receptionist and all i have to do is to look pretty and sit  there doing some boring admin job and greet the humsup Japanese bosses, i have worked as a part time cashier at a supermarket and i cant be more ashamed of the uniform (no offence but i was really paiseh to wear that auntie-ish uniform at the tender age of 18. it just didnt look good on me can)

Honestly, i do not remember what else have i done.  I have been doing Marketing ever since 5 -7 years ago and despite the fact that i was a slave most of the time, people still think i get the best because i market in the Music and Entertainment Industry those days. Shrugs.

Now, i am in a stagnant place which pays me ok, but i lost the drive and i lost that ‘something’ in me, which i really do not know how to describe.
I have plannings, yes i do, but i am afraid, then i  tot …FUCK IT, do or die. The most i start all over again.

So yea, i cant wait for my stuff to be settled.  I am left with 11  mths till 2015 and that is hell fast.
I left with a heavy heart after the msg at BBG last night (my spiritual meeting). The msg is about not being stagnant and that Faith without Works is dead. Maybe it is really  God telling me to STOP SITTING on my dream/plan and just get my ass out to do it.

Frankly, i am in sucha stagnant state currently that i no longer have tt much fear in me. I just want to start it, get it over and done with. If i make it, praise Lord. If not, maybe Lord has better plans, so fuck it. Since i am already 2/5 to where i want to go, might as well just carry on walking right? If the path does not lead me to where i want to be, at least i made the moves. Like a GPS, God will guide me if i really turn the wrong way, right? AMEN.

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And so…i give myself another 1 month before i see a completed project infront of me, challenge accepted,. Life, bring it on!

this post is for myself and my lazy spirit in me. this is to encourage myself and stop myself from being emo over the worries i have in me.

Vdate – What a long hiatus! 2014

IMG_20140112_18Happy 2014!!! Although i am really almost a month late for the greeting.

Yeap, it has been quite sometime since i last blogged. A month of being missing in action might be the norm for most people but looking back, i used to blog weekly, if not, bi weekly! Goodness! I am hoping that i am not turning lazier but the fact that i have to convince myself i am not….
Ok, anyway, let’s just say i am busier with new stuffs and i have to commit myself to the more important things.

I was thinking what i should blog about since most people usually would do a flashback on 2013  or coming up with a list of 2014 resolutions.
I guess i do not fancy the latter so perhaps i will just do a SHORT flashback on 2013 because honestly, i cant really remember much of what happened in 2013. (Maybe i do, but there are alot of things that i have chosen to forget)

So… let’s see…

In Year 2013,

Spiritual
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I am with God and never leave HIM in anyway. I am still rooted in a very nice spiritual family – BBG.
To others, they might think that BBG is unlike the Church i used to go but i am very sure this is the place God wants me to be in.
Thank you God, i believe you are moulding me in Your way and blessing me in Your way too. 

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I am closer to my family of course. My Mum, my Sister, my Aunt and all. However, it wasnt really a good year for us, Mum was hospitalized for her weak knee and Sis and i have to visit her daily and took care of the house. Now, dont u go judging us. It is really NOT easy to do all the chores that Mum does. You know it perfectly well unless you have a family of your own.
Well, good thing is, Mum recovered and her being her, she is strong enough to look pass the fact that she is ageing though she can be rather negative at times. But alls well.
Sis and i faced the biggest challenge ever as we fought like crazy. We really felt very sad and bad that period of time, we have done everything we could to reconcile and in the end, she had to move out to cool down for a period of time… But thank God, she came back and she came back with an open mind and thank God, she is more kind and considerate this time round.
But all in all, i am just thankful that my family members are safe and sound, healthy and good.

Career
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I guess this section has to be the shortest. One word – Mediocre.
There is slight pay increment, there r some benefits here and there and i am thankful for all that.
However, the politics here is worse than Workers Party vs PAP.
So..i dont know. Basically i dont know what else to describe about my work except that i have a change of Boss and the current Boss gave a more detailed planning and direction for all the lost sheeps who were under poor management previously.
That is perhaps 1 good thing and yah, more stress might be on the way.
I have also started planning, doing something for my personal plan. I went overseas, i met up with relevant professionals.
However, due to budget constraint and my ill discipline, the plan was held back for very long. It is not helping when i was kinda timid and i was always lacking the courage to pursue what i want. But in year 2014, i swear i will just go ahead with all that i have on hand and do what i can and let God do the rest! Amen.

Relationship
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This must be the most exciting topic in this post. (at least to me and John? lol)
After being alone for 2 freaking long years (i have never been single for that long) I am in a relationship again.
To be honest, previously, i lost all faith in r/s (i know i say this many times and i always end up with some jerk after saying  that but really, this time it is different)
If you follow my blog, you would know. If not, you can read here and here. If you are too lazy to read or find out, let’s just say, i was really not intending to get hitched in any way. Yes i did hope for it secretly but really, on the scale of 10, my desire to be alone was 8.

I have hurt and i have been hurt alot of times and each  time after a break up, i would tell myself that i want to be alone because i am oh so jaded and i have lost all faith. But, you know, each time i say that, i was secretly hoping that someone will come around and show me that there is hope in this world, i was secretly hoping for someone that will appear in my life and show me what loyalty is all about, someone that is different, that will view loyalty as the most important factor in a r/s, someone that respect, that loves, that knows Love is not just a feeling but a Decision. (i actually blogged about this sometimes back, please read it here)

However, after the last r/s in 2011, i have decided firmly that such person does not exist, either that or he prolly does exist but he will never be mine. (yea, that’s negative but you cant blame me, i have suffered f-up r/s for at least 10yrs and having said that, i am not saying that i was never at fault, i believe no 1 party should bear all blames for failures for r/s)

Then, someone appeared in my life silently, normally, with an add in Facebook. John, i think you must be grinning at this.
Look, i mentioned that i will write about us once things are more stable and etc. Thus i wont go into much details now but hopefully that day will come and i can write about really fruitful news and hopefully we can move on further to another stage of the r/s by then.
Anyways, John was my schmate in Chung Cheng High Main (secondary school) and i never liked him back then.
He was just someone that my then- best friend dated. Other than that, all i knew of him was that he represented the sch for table tennis and apparently he was good at what he did, he studied in the special stream class and he was good with soccer. Thats all i knew about him and i had absolutely no interest in knowing more about him back then. Not that he wasnt attractive or anything but i was really immersed with Counterstrike and was more interested in friends outside school.

So anyway, that’s how we initially knew about each other. We hardly spoke and i think the only time i said something to him back then was an insult, he told me i called him ‘bastard’ and i shant talk much abt it.AHAH!
After 10 over years (got or not ar?), i duno how God work His miracle, John saw a pretty me (AHEM) on FB and he added me. LOL, ok la, he added me cos he knew it was me and also because i am pretty can? LOL

From then on….. i shall save e details for next time. HAHA!

But i really wana say, since the day we started dating, i have never regretted because he shows me everything i want in a man, everything i ask from God and we are on the same page in almost all things. We possess the same perspective most of the time, our moral values tally with each other, we admire each other and are very attracted to each other, we acknowledge that God is the One that is in the center of the r/s and honestly, the list goes on.

“Wah, this is long but seriously, i really really want this to work out as much as you do John. “

We are working very hard towards it and thank God for this surprise blessing, both us are grateful and we pray that we will always cherish this r/s the way we do now. Though we are really just mths together, some even say we are in the honeymoon period, both of us really want this honeymoon period  to last and till date, we still feel very happy upon seeing each other and we will always make up after each fight with  rational minds. Hope this continue and although we can never guarantee the future, i hope nothing ever changes because John really closed the chapter of 2013 for me wonderfully.

Health

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I started seeing a psychiatrist and i am talking to a psychologist too. Well, ntg can be concluded as of now but at least i am under control for whatever i am suffering from. Many people view Depression or Mental illness as something shameful. I was one of those people. I always think that only the weak people will admit that they are depressed.
For me, it is even tougher as i am expected by the world to walk out of any crappy mental problem just because i claim  that God is real.
But i have made peace with myself and accepted that i might be stressed, and i have issues in me that might be unresolved. I believe God created professional help for people like me. Thus i am happy i have started talking to someone and on the path of getting my healthy mind back.
I also stated working out and i have lost weight, i have put on weight. It no longer matters i guess, as long as i am healthy. In the later part of 2013, i started to slack off. I am determined to return to the Gym soon (cut me some slack, CNY coming! 😛)

Wealth
Looking good, looking good. But can be better! HUAT LA 2014! Especially after spending that $400+ on a tooth. It wasnt even serious op, it was just a normal tooth being plucked out. FML.

Alright, i hope the above summarized my 2013 generally and it is honestly not short at all. LOL
I have no resolution for 2014 but i do hope that i can be more hardworking, less hot tempered, and more diligent and patient for 2014. I am very happy now. I have the best family, the best bf, the best friends around me and i want to lose none of them. I wish that all of them will be happy and safe everyday. I wish that i can achieve more in my career and hopefully the house that Mum and i wanted will be ours soon 🙂

As i really gtg, i hope the crazy amt of photos i post will make you happy because i am signing off!
Happy Chinese  New Year and may all of you be blessed with Peace and Prosperity!

恭喜发财!万事如意!身体健康!

IMG_20131222_2Our First overseas trip – KL

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IMG_20131221_7with the very talented Aloysius Yap

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IMG_20131224_3shopping spree

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Christmas 2013
IMG_20131225_13that child in me 

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R3hab with John and his friends @ Zouk for Xmas
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Dinner with Mummy and John before party
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IMG_20131225_46Many more Xmas-es together! 🙂

IMG_20131225_54Staycation at The Sultan
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With my lovely family on Xmas day
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IMG_20131225_53Sister photobombed me and Aunt

Gathering before 2014 with the peeps!
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My Loves!

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My Twin!

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IMG_20131228_13My Bff forever

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2014!

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we didnt go anywhere extravagant, we were in the car, counting down with the radio station.
But it was beautiful, with kisses, hugs and wishes, we crossed over to 2014 together. 🙂
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IMG_20140103_4totally in love with this white crochet dress
Wore this for dinner with John and his parents @ Jpot

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IMG_20140106_5@ Poulet

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IMG_20140110_10Random dating pictues

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IMG_20140112_17Dinner with Mummy and John @ PP

My Ex Boss Gavin’s big day with Liz
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With the ex colleagues

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John came and fetch me after the wedding and we hanged

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And i shall end my post with the current KPOP hair color i just did. 
Love my hair 😀

Vdate- a short one before Xmas

IMG_20131213_1Hi birdies`

Hmm… i am feeling a little lethargic here. Maybe it is because i am really tired, maybe i am just looking forward (TOO MUCH) to Friday, maybe i am just a little emo, or maybe is just all of the above.

Well, to make things better, Christmas (my fav day of the year) is just next week. How time flies. It seems like it was just yesterday that i celebrated Christmas.

It is days away from Christmas but it is 2 more LONG days to Friday. This Friday is further away from me because John is away in KL for some tournament and i am supposingly joining him on Friday.

See, this is what i mean by the con of having a r/s. You fall for the person, you are ‘used’ to seeing that person regularly then u start to miss him like crazy and then because of some situations, somehow or rather, you will have to feel love-sick.

Tsk.

But like what he always tell me, the happy days exceed the bad times by aplenty and it makes all the bad times worthy. Oh well.

IMG_20131214_8#lotd last Saturdate 

IMG_20131214_10This is funny, we went to Old Airport Road for super late lunch
(5pm??? actually i wudnt bother to eat lunch since tts dinner time and i didnt wana have dinner at 5pm because it is too early but as usual, someone just has to insist tt i have something in my stomach. Sigh, i duno hw to be skinny lidat…)
Anw the funny thing is, we bumped into my Aunt and Granny. I was shocked and i was guessing John was shocked too but he tried to hide it well. HAHA.
Mum was saying: wah i havent even see him, aunt saw already. 
Tsk.

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IMG_20131214_13ok. i hafta admit, i am officially missing you now. FML 😦

Anyway, work has picked up abit and i feel slightly better as i have clearer picture of where i can head to. As for my personal plan, it is still ongoing but i just wish i am more disciplined.

I havent have enough sleep everyday and frankly, Saturdays r for me to pay up my sleep debts. I have been slacking quite a bit towards my workout too. ARGH. Seriously. I really hope this is just the holiday mood  i am having.

Anyway, it has been sometime since i last brought my family out for a good meal, it will be soon but i have no idea where to bring them this time, any recommendation(s)?

Oh, i am also looking forward to next Friday (already! HAHA) because i am gathering with my seconday sch peeps and i miss them so! The last time i saw them was on my Birthday 7mths ago. The bf also knows them and thus it is quite easy for me, so i do not have to re-intro everyone to him and vice versa. But honestly, i am also running out of idea of what to do and where to go. They say SG is boring but really, i feel it is the same for everywhere and anywhere. What can we expect after staying in the same place for a quater decade?

Clubbing is out. Definitely. Nobody likes clubbing in the group, those who fancy partying are also tired of it already. Yes, it is the age. FOL.
Singing is boring.
Dinner should be it but how long can we take to eat?
Seriously running out of ideas and to think i am the ‘organizer’ this time. 😦

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IMG_20131213_4 He is not the only 1 afraid, i was so stressed out because he is so soft and i am afraid i couldnt handle him. HAHA!
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IMG_20131213_2#CuteSantaBaby

IMG_20131214_7Went for my spiritual group’s Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, i am still with Eng Han simply because he is a man of integrity whom i trust and who has helped me in alot of ways. I am tired to elaborate but i hope that the people from church can understand that i am not lacking of HIS (God) presence in BBG. We are growing spiritually and there is definitely spiritual covering here. Thus i really do not appreciate hearing negative views on my choice. I know where God wants me to be at. But anyway, may the Lord build us up in BBG in HIS way.

Ok, I feel like sleeping, my eyes are heavy and i really do not know how to survive till 6pm. I am blogging using my lunch time, so please dont judge me. The office is freezing me and i really just cant keep those eyes open anymore.

Till my next post, which i supposed might be after Christmas, Happy Holidays everyone!

Oh, have a Merry Xmas and take this time to appreciate the day that commemorate the birth of Christ our Lord Jesus! ❤

Vdates – crossroad (last mth of 2013)

Hi birdies`

IMG_20131206_2Happy eve of Friday! You know how much i cant wait for this…

For as far as i remember, the only time i sleep more than 5 hrs was last weekend but it was very disturbed sleep. I hate it whenever i cant sleep like a baby throughout, kept waking up and drifting back to sleep… 😦

Basically, i feel extremely lost recently. I guess i really have to move on but i am very stuck at the moment because if i were to move on, i wouldnt know what are the new (and prolly alot more) things that will be added to me, i might not be getting what i am getting now too…

Sigh.

Moreover, i need alot of time to do what i am doing currently…

Ok, i bet you guys do not know what the heck i am talking about, please just let me rant and bottom line is, my job sucks. It is not the weekdays that are pissing me off, but yah, i am depressed almost everyday.

However, i am thankful i have John with me, he manage to make me feel better whenever we meet up. I would also love to thank him for tolerating my nonsense, taking my weirdness  (i am very eccentric and i cant be anymore thankful for his patience).
Met up with him yesterday and saw a very pale face, he was sick. So terribly sick and still came all the way to meet me in town. Before that, he didnt even show signs of tiredness or sickness during our earlier convos.

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I: why didnt u tell me u r sick? why cant u just say u r sick and not meet up?
He: because i dun wan to upset you, you dont like changes to your plans.

FML, he is very sick leh, and he still can think of what i think and how i feel? Best BF or what? Hahaha.
Ok, on a serious note, i am really thankful for him.

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at #49seats, we were q-ing forever. that place is truly 1 of the most raved abouts.

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IMG_20131207_6It is actually not bad, i like their friendly staff (not for that old uncle though. damn, he look like a loanshark or somthing)
I love their Al Scampi Sauce (it is beyond description, too nice!) and i guess John’s smoke duck pasta tasted ok too.
Prices can be considered as reasonable, approx $50 for 2 pax (1 main each and 1 side)

I would definitely recommend this place for chillaxing and dates. But John thinks  that the food is just mediocre.
He has high expectations for Western food. :/

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IMG_20131208_1I don’t know what the future brings but we are definitely working on it. As i said, we cant be sure as everything is still too new. We knew each other for over a decade and we dated our friends, we never even speak till 14yrs later? 
But for now, i am very  thankful for you, John. 🙂
Thank you for treating me like a queen, saying things i like to hear, doing things i wana do, giving in to me (thou not al the time)
#grateful

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IMG_20131208_3Chilling with Alan after John’s mini tournament with Thorsten Hohmann. (2013 WPC World 9-Ball Champion)
Oh, and he won Thorsten. How amazing right! HAHA!

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IMG_20131209_2Separately, on the next day, he won another tournament and that trohpy above is my first gift from him! Haha, my 1st time receiving trophy from another person, quite meaningful. 

But honestly, i really feel uneasy day by day because i have nothing to look forward to currently but if not for the money and the ambiguous fog ahead  that i might face, i wouldnt make myself so miserable daily. 😦 

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I am so lost recently that i am thinking of so many weird things to do, like learning how to play an instrument and i even have the instrument in mind already (but it is not cheap thou), i am thinking of getting inked again (not big ugly pics, just fonts), i am thinking of learning new sports like golf (yah damn, i hated golf and i actually tot of it now??) i am thinking of doing alot of things to keep myself going because i start to realise that i cant stand being in the same stagnant place for long. I prolly need some excitement to my own growth.

IMG_20131209_1Went Jamming with the cell group peeps. Pretty gal besides me is Ashley. 

Ayte, i know this is abrupt but this is a really short post and randomly, i would like to say that i cant wait for Xmas to come. I really am looking forward to Xmas very very much, my fav day of the year. Till the next update, be blessed people!

P/S i hope to come back with better news and hopefully there will be improvement to my current situation. 🙂
P/S P/S Thank God my family is safe and doing good though.

To lighten up the mood, this song is for all you guys! I have what and who i wanted this Xmas, (and hopefully every xmas). I hope the same happen to you too!
p/s it will be better if i know where should i  go from here. But i do know that God gives the freedom to me to walk my path.
I just pray that i have mre discernment in my judgments.
God bless~

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28/11/13 112am

So, i guess FB is the most accurate medium to announce official stuffs nowadays. You guys probably knew it since last night.
To be honest, i am still not very used to not being alone, still not  very used to calling someone baby, still not used to mention the word “BF”.
But someone crept silently into my life recently and ….

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Who would have imagined, after 2 years of AWESOME lonesome, i am back in the trap again. Like what i told him, IT IS A TRAP!
If you know me, you would have known how much i am against the idea of committing to someone/ a relationship (ever since my last abusive r/s)
But of course, i werent like that all along, i was a hopeless believer of fairytales. Then, those fairytales turn out to be nightmares, ofml.

Anyway, long story short, as much as i am still VERY skeptical (about r/s matters), Mr John Lim managed to make me (want to) explore the possibility of getting happiness out of our new status.

Of cos, everyone wants happy ending. Who wouldnt. But i cant guarantee anything nor confirm anything about him, about me or about us for now.
Quoting him- even though he isnt sure if im the one for him, he hopes that i am.
That’s mutual, that’s what i hope for too, thus we do hope something good will work out for us.

And if that happens, i will blog about the story of how we met and blahblahblah (if you are kaypo enough to wait)
If no magic happens, forget it lah! HAHA

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Really do not know what the future holds, really really am afraid and skeptical, but till date, i still wana thank you John, for being my early Xmas pressie, thank you for being nice, thank you for being super duper smart so i can learn alot from you (but sorry, i am still not agreeing with your political views) thank  you for making me lol with  your arrogance though i seriously duno hw to reply u at times, thank you for loving me for who i am (errr hopefully you do becos i added this in myself) and thank you for your love (till date u r still doing ok )

To all the friends that messaged me privately, thank you. Especially Regine. Thank you  for talking to me,  i appreciate your encouragements and kind words very very much.
Thank you gf, you are still my pillar and will always be.
Thank you sincere friends who wished me (or us) well, lets chill and see what happens.
Thank you, ex bfs and haters who gave weird and negative opinions, at least you bothered to.

This post is for you John, u better dont say i never blog about u because u matter to me and it is not playplay k.

p/s God, Your Will to be done. Always.

What is inside me?

IMG_20131124_12Hi.

I haven’t been blogging seriously for some time. There are no excuses but i was just not in the mood to do it.

I would love to say that there are some new happenings in my life. But really, i duno if there are stuffs happening too.
Forget it, i dont know how to make this clear too.

So, work is really in a mediocre state till i have nothing much to say. It is really JUST about the money money money. Kaching!

Recently, i realize that i am sicker. Sick of pretending, sick of wanting this and that to happen, sick of being sucha perfectionist, sick of working out (which i usually love), sick of sleeping and sick of not being able to sleep, sick of eating (fml please. food leh), sick of heading out, sick of staying home, sick of this sick of that.

Why am i like that?

Whenever i feel this way, it is time for me to take up more challenging stuffs, like serving a new ministry, start a new hobby, learn something new. Perhaps i have been really lazy and nuar for the longest time of my life and thus for now, i really cant stay in a stagnant state.
Many ask me to find a new job since i am suffering here everyday, but easier said than done. We all know it.
A new job means interacting with new people, adapting new working environment, learning new stuff, handling new office politics and etc.
Plus, how would i know if i will be paid better and all? (fml for wanting this comfort zone)

But, isnt that what i want? New challenges?!

Many say maybe it is time for me to start dating again. Actually i didn’t really stay home as a nun. I mean, i still talk to new people now and then but am too jaded to start trusting, start loving and in short, i am sick of having a r/s.  I am sure my reasons are justifiable, who would be keen to start risking the heart being hurt and cheated again after all the shit i went through 2 years ago? (oh and that excludes shits i went tru before 2years ago)

But, isnt that what i want? New challenges?

Many say i should start doing something more, maybe head out, know new people or learn a new language. But frankly, i am too tired for all that.
I guess i just need a break. Like a long hiatus, like a getaway. But where is the time, the energy, the money and the companion?

I have no more leave to take because i have used them up due to my health issues, i have not enough money for a long Europe trip (please, i dun wan a 3days 2nights getaway), i have almost no friends to go with. I sounded so pathetic. FML.

But it is true. As i aged, the friends who were once very close to me are al married and busy with making babies, the money is put to other good use and a large part of it went to my personal plan, the time i have is left for work and exercises, the little amount of time i have left is also used to make myself sleepy so i can sleep.

Yep, the health issue is not getting better although i have been trying and i found myself trembling and shaking just this morning. This is crazy.
Slept at 940pm, woke up at 2am, went back to sleep at 3am, woke up at 6am and went back to sleep at 7am. Finally woke up at 8am and feeling out of breath.
I light a cigarette and tried to smoke all these nonsensical worries away, but i cant even hold the stick properly. Terrible.

Then my good friend told me i am not determined and i do not have the willpower to overcome my own sickness. Thank you very much.
I seriously duno what else can i do to make myself recover from this crap.

If working my way to be better, to do healthy stuffs, to be a better person, isnt “helping myself”, what is?
If seeing the doc monthly, increasing dosages, spending useless $ hearing the doc say that i need time and each time i visit her, all i was told was i need more time and patience  to recover….

Time. I do not know how much time i have. No. i am not suffering from terminal illness, if i am blessed enough (i am in Christ name) i should be able to have lots more time on earth. But what i mean is, age is catching up, i still do not feel that i have achieved much in life.
Look, what have i achieve?
Probably i am earning more than the past, but i am unhappy everyday, dreading my feet to Tg Pagar at 8am.
Probably i am alot more healthier than the past, but i am still on medication.
Probably i am happier, but when can i finally feel that “yes, this is the time of my life. i am truly happy and stable”

Ok, this post might be alittle negative, forgive me. I wk up feeling like crap. I nida rant. Maybe this is what they call- mid life crisis (mid life????)
Ok, perhaps it is just the late twenties crisis. Maybe it is peer pressure and seeing my peers far ahead of me can be quite taxing sometimes.

I talk alot this time about how i really feel inside me for the longest time. I rarely do this yea. So this post isnt about some updates of what i did, where i went and who i met. It is more of a real update of how i feel.

But it is all talk lah. Back to reality, i still have to face all the shits, i still have a meeting on Friday for my plan (really, i have kinda lost the motivation to do what i planned, but i have already commited myself to it, giving it up now really just show how loserish i am) i still have to face TONS of backstabbers at work, i still have to face the problem i created myself, i still have to try to sleep, i still have to work out, i still have to try to eat properly (only because i promised John) i still have to ….ARGH, i have to live.

Yah, Life is simple, it is just not easy. And i should stop whining. Sometimes, dont you just wish that Life comes with instructions?
For example, a guide book. You flip to page 1 for Monday and 2 for Tuesday and etc, then follow what God wants us to do and where God wants us to go, meet people God wants us to meet and etc.

Ok i am sounding a little naive and unattractive already. Better stop here.

Shall upload pics and tts it, i am not writing anymore. Feel like resting the poor brain that hasnt been resting for almost a week.

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Went to gf’s crib recently after doctor’s appointment. Had fun with Kinect and babies, of cos, with gf too! 😀
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Met up with Alan and John recently.

IMG_20131116_2Some dude- Alan’s fren

IMG_20131116_3Ah Zai

IMG_20131116_4seriously, i really don’t know her. I dont even know if i can call her Alan’s fren.
Her name is Apple Gao, btw.

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IMG_20131116_6I know i really bring joy, but need to be so happy not?

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IMG_20131116_10i nida explain this. Look, i am not leaning on John ok, it was er….awkward.
Because errr Apple was lik….wanting to be closer to Alan and Alan doesnt seem lik he like it and so i kinda push her to him and aiya. 
Sua, i duno what to say.

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IMG_20131116_13Yah, trophy for Singaporeans. 
Mandatory shot when u have it, Krispy Kreme.

IMG_20131118_1Everyday, my eyes are lidat, i can never open them.

IMG_20131122_1Random. Trying dresses for Christmas, got more later. HAHA

IMG_20131123_1Gf day. Thanks to her and Chris, we went to….

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AMEI Special Showcase for the MBS Vips.
Pardon the blurry pictures, samsung S3 really..you know la.

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IMG_20131123_233048And this is my dinner with my gf after the concert, i was zombiefied. 

IMG_20131124_7 And this is me and XiaoHui at Jackson’s wedding. Congrats Bud! 
God will surely bless your wonderful new journey with Net!

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IMG_20131124_201520#Ootd for Jackson’s big day. Not bad ah, the dress.
But it is too loose and i am  thinking of selling, any takers?

IMG_20131124_201640Went Jockey’s to meet John after the Wedding.
My dinner at Jockey’s.

John’s fav place -_-

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IMG_20131123_154136 Cute not? Cute right? Haha. 
My talented Sis made this. So love hor.

IMG_20131124_19Went to H&M and tried on different attires.
My favs are the red and the bottom right.
Tts almost what all the others chose too.
My dear John chose the 3rd frm the top and the 1st on the bottom left.
FHL.

IMG_20131125_17And i am supposed to be touched when he tk pics of his food for me cos he says that he dun do that usually.
And becos of that, i took pic of my dinner and sent him and i was made to promise him that i have to eat proper meals for dinner.
How sian.

IMG_20131125_1At Jockey’s.

Shine bright like a diamond

25.50-carat Brilliant-cut Flawless Type IIa Diamond

“But it is the woman who grow out of that silly darkness that shines like a diamond.” – valliezLesley

Be the one that is in control, regardless.

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