I haven’t been blogging seriously for some time. There are no excuses but i was just not in the mood to do it.
I would love to say that there are some new happenings in my life. But really, i duno if there are stuffs happening too.
Forget it, i dont know how to make this clear too.
So, work is really in a mediocre state till i have nothing much to say. It is really JUST about the money money money. Kaching!
Recently, i realize that i am sicker. Sick of pretending, sick of wanting this and that to happen, sick of being sucha perfectionist, sick of working out (which i usually love), sick of sleeping and sick of not being able to sleep, sick of eating (fml please. food leh), sick of heading out, sick of staying home, sick of this sick of that.
Why am i like that?
Whenever i feel this way, it is time for me to take up more challenging stuffs, like serving a new ministry, start a new hobby, learn something new. Perhaps i have been really lazy and nuar for the longest time of my life and thus for now, i really cant stay in a stagnant state.
Many ask me to find a new job since i am suffering here everyday, but easier said than done. We all know it.
A new job means interacting with new people, adapting new working environment, learning new stuff, handling new office politics and etc.
Plus, how would i know if i will be paid better and all? (fml for wanting this comfort zone)
But, isnt that what i want? New challenges?!
Many say maybe it is time for me to start dating again. Actually i didn’t really stay home as a nun. I mean, i still talk to new people now and then but am too jaded to start trusting, start loving and in short, i am sick of having a r/s. I am sure my reasons are justifiable, who would be keen to start risking the heart being hurt and cheated again after all the shit i went through 2 years ago? (oh and that excludes shits i went tru before 2years ago)
But, isnt that what i want? New challenges?
Many say i should start doing something more, maybe head out, know new people or learn a new language. But frankly, i am too tired for all that.
I guess i just need a break. Like a long hiatus, like a getaway. But where is the time, the energy, the money and the companion?
I have no more leave to take because i have used them up due to my health issues, i have not enough money for a long Europe trip (please, i dun wan a 3days 2nights getaway), i have almost no friends to go with. I sounded so pathetic. FML.
But it is true. As i aged, the friends who were once very close to me are al married and busy with making babies, the money is put to other good use and a large part of it went to my personal plan, the time i have is left for work and exercises, the little amount of time i have left is also used to make myself sleepy so i can sleep.
Yep, the health issue is not getting better although i have been trying and i found myself trembling and shaking just this morning. This is crazy.
Slept at 940pm, woke up at 2am, went back to sleep at 3am, woke up at 6am and went back to sleep at 7am. Finally woke up at 8am and feeling out of breath.
I light a cigarette and tried to smoke all these nonsensical worries away, but i cant even hold the stick properly. Terrible.
Then my good friend told me i am not determined and i do not have the willpower to overcome my own sickness. Thank you very much.
I seriously duno what else can i do to make myself recover from this crap.
If working my way to be better, to do healthy stuffs, to be a better person, isnt “helping myself”, what is?
If seeing the doc monthly, increasing dosages, spending useless $ hearing the doc say that i need time and each time i visit her, all i was told was i need more time and patience to recover….
Time. I do not know how much time i have. No. i am not suffering from terminal illness, if i am blessed enough (i am in Christ name) i should be able to have lots more time on earth. But what i mean is, age is catching up, i still do not feel that i have achieved much in life.
Look, what have i achieve?
Probably i am earning more than the past, but i am unhappy everyday, dreading my feet to Tg Pagar at 8am.
Probably i am alot more healthier than the past, but i am still on medication.
Probably i am happier, but when can i finally feel that “yes, this is the time of my life. i am truly happy and stable”
Ok, this post might be alittle negative, forgive me. I wk up feeling like crap. I nida rant. Maybe this is what they call- mid life crisis (mid life????)
Ok, perhaps it is just the late twenties crisis. Maybe it is peer pressure and seeing my peers far ahead of me can be quite taxing sometimes.
I talk alot this time about how i really feel inside me for the longest time. I rarely do this yea. So this post isnt about some updates of what i did, where i went and who i met. It is more of a real update of how i feel.
But it is all talk lah. Back to reality, i still have to face all the shits, i still have a meeting on Friday for my plan (really, i have kinda lost the motivation to do what i planned, but i have already commited myself to it, giving it up now really just show how loserish i am) i still have to face TONS of backstabbers at work, i still have to face the problem i created myself, i still have to try to sleep, i still have to work out, i still have to try to eat properly (only because i promised John) i still have to ….ARGH, i have to live.
Yah, Life is simple, it is just not easy. And i should stop whining. Sometimes, dont you just wish that Life comes with instructions?
For example, a guide book. You flip to page 1 for Monday and 2 for Tuesday and etc, then follow what God wants us to do and where God wants us to go, meet people God wants us to meet and etc.
Ok i am sounding a little naive and unattractive already. Better stop here.
Shall upload pics and tts it, i am not writing anymore. Feel like resting the poor brain that hasnt been resting for almost a week.
Met up with Alan and John recently.
i nida explain this. Look, i am not leaning on John ok, it was er….awkward.
Because errr Apple was lik….wanting to be closer to Alan and Alan doesnt seem lik he like it and so i kinda push her to him and aiya.
Sua, i duno what to say.
AMEI Special Showcase for the MBS Vips.
Pardon the blurry pictures, samsung S3 really..you know la.
Went to H&M and tried on different attires.
My favs are the red and the bottom right.
Tts almost what all the others chose too.
My dear John chose the 3rd frm the top and the 1st on the bottom left.
And i am supposed to be touched when he tk pics of his food for me cos he says that he dun do that usually.
And becos of that, i took pic of my dinner and sent him and i was made to promise him that i have to eat proper meals for dinner.