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Posts tagged ‘beauty for ashes’

Beauty for Ashes

A friend asked today, if i still miss him, my ex.   
My philandering ex boyfriend.
Yes, by the name of Adrian, my last boyfriend before i turned single this year.   

(This is also the first time i am actually “talking” about this break up so openly, with slightly more words.)  

Honestly, i am so busy nowadays that i seldom have extra time to.    
Yes, he does come to my mind sometimes, but i forgot since when, he seem to be out of my mind for quite a long period of time.    
I did not realise till i was asked about him.                                     

Other times, it would be some familiar (yet unfamiliar kinda feeling) places we went before or songs we listened to.

I know he is attached now, i am not happy for him but neither am i upset over it.
Guess thats what the world says ….”You have moved on”

Well, i did questioned, how can a guy say he wana marry you for 1 year and then,2 mths after the break up, hook up with another girl so soon?

Then i realised, i was silly to even believe in an unstable man. However, i will save the details of what happened during the 1 year r/s.

My life is not at its best now, but i am really enjoying every activity i am doing now, i totally thank God for where i am at now, for pulling the wrong
out of my life.
(Saying that, it doesnt mean he is  wrong for anyone or everyone.
perhaps just not the right one for me.
perhaps there are certain things i can never tolerate but other women are willing to.

To be fair to him, i wasnt the best gf either.
I gave him alot of stress.
I couldnt execute forgiveness
i couldnt handle lies
and I lost myself and was forced to insanity.

When insanity sets in, it is too late and too sad.
Yes, i was in tremendous stress and fear and before i know it, i am in depression.)

I didnt take a very long time to ‘recover‘, but trust me, it wasnt that fast to me either.
Finally, i see myself crystal clear again and started to do things, go to places i enjoyed, before losing myself, started to attempt things which i might not dare to try in the past.

Mostly, i thank God for getting me out of the shit holes of lies, betrayals and physical abuse.
With the constant reports of  men having sex with online sex workers, i really couldnt imagine (yet not surprising) if i spot my ex being in the list (if we are still tog). @ the very least, i do not need to fear now.

Having said that, he taught me alot and he gave me a chance to set my priorities, he made me understand that i should never compromise my expectations again, he let me seen the worst in a man, he let me understand that words are cheap. In short, i paid a huge price for a lesson that will benefit me for life, i believe. 
Of cos, i have my fair share of bad r/s (s)  before, but it has never been so real and painful like this one.
Nevertheless, we shared some good memories, even though is kinda little.
We did smiled and hugged before.
They are not really precious memories, (as in really precious) but i m glad it happened.
I also spend more time with my family, especially my Mum now, we are closer together and i really really treasure it.

Different people move on using different ways, some may see that, turning to religion is a form of weakness.
I dont deny that, because i dont think i am strong after what i have been through.
However, turning to God is actually a different thing totally because in the past, i move on bitterly. Now, i can only say, even though it is the fact that i am so broken due to the way i am treated, i move on with all my heart.

Which also means…i do not wish him dead, anymore. hahaha!
Perhaps thats Forgiveness.

I believe God will turn my ashes into beauty, but i am sure the best has yet to come, and it will come, by Faith and not sight.
(of course, i thank my lovely Mum for being there during the bad times, my little sis for encouraging me and making logical sense to me even though she is about the age my ex is dating now, haha. I wana thank 7 for not giving up on me, and of course, my Pastor Kong for promising that 1 year is more than enough for my recovery, Mr Chew Eng Han, my cell leader and his wife Janet)

Thank you for building me up and preparing me for bigger things, better person, n awesome times.
I say Lord, You are my God, my times are in Your hands  🙂

p/s IS TGIF! Weeeeeee
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