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Posts tagged ‘Church’

Vdates Aug (1)

IMG_20130807_1Heylo!

I recently went to get my fringe trimmed. Boring me has officially return to having “bangs” again. Yeap. Boring.

I wanted so much to persist on having long and flowy fringe like my GF but i couldnt take it no more. The fringe is getting on my nerves by getting into my eye all the time.

It was kinda random because i just walked into a Shunji Matsuo after my workout at the Gym and requested for Bangs. I hope i look better now. GF said that i look like a kid but really, i wish i do. But ney, i dont  think so.

HAHAAH.

All along, fringe always has the higher votes, but who cares right, i gotta like what i see in the mirror and not accommodating to what others like. I used to keep my fringe long just because my ex bfs prefer that to “bangs”. All the while in the past, i was pleasing others. But honestly, if a person is gona love me any lesser just because of my hair, then he can go love others. I dont need such love. But of  course, i dont mean anyone must love my dirty hair if i never wash for weeks la.

HAHA!

Ok anyway, i love this bangs now. No matter who say what.

🙂

IMG_20130804_5the before and after!

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Nothing much over the past 2 weeks. The usual, i hit the gym, stay home for movie marathon (alone and with Mummy), hang out with gf, played with babies, went church.

Frankly, i still go to church despite whatever is happening and despite the uneasiness in me. Thus i was hoping that the msg i receive can be pure. Last week’s msg was good and i did alot of reflection on myself as well. But honestly, it will be better if there wasnt so much hidden implications. I mean, it is a personal feeling, sorry if i wronged anyone but i love Dr Robi. I just wish that at certain point of time, there wasnt so much awkward hints of personal attacks without mentioning of names. I wish there wasnt so much clapping and cheering for the wrong reason.

Watched so much movies that i really cant remember how many. Haha! But i think the 1 that left a deep impression on me was Unfaithful.

I used to avoid watching some shows and betrayals/ adultery-related is def 1 of them. I guess it was due to an old scar in me. But well, everyone has to recover somehow or rather and so i did. The show was a long one, by Richard Gere and the beautiful Diane Lane. It is so rich with emotions and very realistic. But somehow, i can relate to how the characters feel in the show. Still, i was cursing the wife because she hurt the husband so deeply while indulging in her sexual desires.

Oh well…

IMG_20130810_223516 IMG_20130810_224552

Anyway, i took some pictures while trying some clothes. Guess which 1s did i buy?

I love them all though.

Like usual, i did not edit nor photoshop the pictures. I did filtered them though. I would also want to keep a record of how the body looks as time passes while i continue with my exercises.

The fact is that nothing much is shed, i am still not a Size 0. Oh please, i am not even a size 4. I am a size 8 to 10 and very occasionally 6 for certain brands.
But really, i am feeling better of myself now than 6mths ago because although not solid fit as in FIT, i am not as flabby as before. Especially my arms, and i believe my legs are slowly but surely becoming tougher.
It feels better no matter what i am decking on my body now, at least i know it is not on a pile of soft flabs. HAHA!

Some commented the clothes i wore above look disastrous on me, while my collgeaue just told me 1 min ago that she feels i have been exercising wrongly because she feels i still look ‘fat’ wor.

Ok, to say i am not offended by either is  gona be so  fake, i am affected but trust me, it is only to a certain extent.
In the past, i would be so affected till i feel inferior of myself, till i doubt myself, till i feel so scared whenever i head out. I would feel terrible and i would ask myself why are people looking at me.

Not anymore.

Really, i dont want to swear but trust me. Things are different now.

Look, my colleague is alot bigger than me and sometimes i really doubt her agenda of saying mean things to me. Of course, i am giving her the benefit of doubt too. She might really want the best for me but i dont think i should listen to someone that eats and eats and goes on diet pills. She doesnt exercise at all, and thus why should i be listening to her?

It doesnt help when i caught her staring at my new clothes. my body and my hair. It is super creepy because i caught her doing that while my back was facing her. Why would i know – you asked. I have a mirror infront of me and her expressions was reflected – crystal clear. Scary much.

Honestly, i am not a confident person which many thought i am. I have been through alot of things and along the experiences i have, i build myself up slowly and i am still not 100% as confident as you might think i am. But i am thankful i started somewhere, since i dont know where.

If you are a inferior person, I hope you can too, Look, you gotta start somewhere and you gotta do something about it. I am tired of wallowing in self pity and self blame. Arent you?

I know it is tough but slowly, surely. Remember that nobody is confident from birth. Sometimes i confuse myself too. Sometimes i mix up humility with inferiority. It is tough for me as i always thought that being humble is good but sometimes i tend to be too humble for my own good and it turns into ugly inferiority. It is really hard, and i m still figuring which is which. Dont ask me why because i do not know how to explain, it is just me.

But really, trust me, not everyone views you as how badly you view yourself. If you know you are doing the right thing and you know the right thing you do can produce right result, What does it matter if who say what?

For eg. my colleague. She is always saying i am fat when she is so much bigger than me, when she just eats and does not exercise. I and probably the whole world knows  that, exercising will be a long term beneficial plan than diet pills and supplements. I and probably  the whole world knows that i will look more freshened up, my muscles will look so much nicer and i will look toner than before.
Does what she says actually matters?

IMG_20130811_005455You prolly seen this in my insta. I shall repost for those that havent.

It really doesnt matter what others say.
Because not everyone is gona like what u say what u do what u talk abt what u wear what u watch whatever.
Some might just be jealous, some are just opinionated and the others are jus genuinely not liking you.
What matters is, do u like yourself?
Do u like what u say/do/watch/wear or eat? If u do, that settles it.
If u trust ur own judgment and preference, that settles it.
Nobody feels gd abt u if u cant even feel good about urself.
Check that mirror and see wonderful image and let those critics go on, they cant see a bigger picture.
#confidence

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This is just an example i would want to share with you. Sorry if my example isnt great enough but really, because i go through criticism like you do, and this is so real and instant (happened about 1 min ago), i just have to quote this example.

Alot of others doubt me too, saying i am not spiritual enough. But really, i do not have to account to anyone about my spiritual being, i know it is enough as long as i account myself to God. Some others quote bible verses and some others preach alot but i really dont see them walk the talk anyways. So, what you see might not be what is real anyway.

What i am trying to say here is, as long as you have a clear conscience of what is right, and you are not guilty of doing the wrong thing, who cares abt what they say?

Beauty is subjective, you can be Jessica Alba and there will still be people saying you are ugly. Thus lets not even touch on that. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Confidence is Beauty but Arrogance is not, neither is Inferiority. I am very much aware of this thus i am reminding myself constantly.

I hope you too, keep that in mind.

It is definitely not easy for me to type these out because now and then i struggle with insecurity. It was just weeks ago that i cried out to Mel about my chest problem (i will leave it private and talk more about it next time)
It was just days ago i keep feeling bloated and fat.

But it is also God’s way of showing me that, hey, Jennifer Lawrence is so gorgeous and her body is so hot despite not being a size 0 or 6. She isnt your typical bombshell nor Kate Moss but boy, her body is so hot. (and she is weighing above 60kg fyi)
Yeap, i watched the Silver Linings Playbook over the long weekend. Haha.

Jennifer-Lawrence-e1355349012587Credits of images: healthyceleb.com

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It is also God’s way of showing me that alot of people only talk the talk and not walk the talk when situations arise. That certain person who preaches alot is now missing in action.
I shant judge but yeap, alot of times it is like that.

Not many might know about your struggles and your credits for doing well, but you know, God knows. Sometimes it is enough.

Before i end this post, here is wishing everyone that God show u (including me pls) how much potential you have, and how beautiful you are and for those tt are too arrogant, may God shows you defeat so you practice humility.

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images (2)In my opinion, Leslie Cheung has to be the most beautiful Man in Asia besides Takaeshi Kaneshiro.
Given the fact that Leslie Cheung is all natural, he wins Kaneshiro of course! (the latter had plastic)
But even Leslie himself was being insulted as ‘ugly Gay’. *Roll eyes- since when sexual preference has to do with looks right
Ryan Gosling, almost the next perfect thing in Hollywood, was just criticized by my friend this morning of being ugly. I mean, who the crap will say that?!

Now i really hope you see the picture, nobody will earn the liking of everyone. Not even Ryan Gosling nor Leslie Cheung.

I wish i can write more but i gotta go, i promise more for next time round! 🙂 Meanwhile be blessed and browse my random pictures. :p

IMG_20130809_233128Supposed to be a drinking session but it turned out to be durian + Red wine session over at Zen’s crib over the long weekend.

IMG_20130809_151701Pigeons around my house, lazy to even move when i am near.

IMG_20130808_215508Woo! Mum and my treats for the PH eve.
The Pink 1 was really very attractive, even more attractive after you open the packaging.
Taste good too! 

IMG_20130807_224924My 1 way ticket to failure of diet plan with my gf. 

IMG_20130809_014543The show i didnt manage to even start, gona watch it this coming weekend!
Gerard Butler~

IMG_20130810_225042Indeed and i am facing this dilemma non stop. 
I guess i will figure it out.

A song i long forgotten if not for the movie. My fav~

Stevie Wonder – Don’t you worry bout a thing

My lips will glorify You Psalms 63:3

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Because of U, i am born again. Let me take this time to thank U. I love you my Jesus.

DrRobiInvite (1)Speaking of which, i cant wait to attend Dr Robi’s svs soon! He is a fantastic speaker and i remember that the seats were always filled up whenever he preaches at CHC. This time round, he will be preaching at Heart of God Church.
If you are keen, you may check out the website of HOG.

 

how real?

   Hihi.

It has been sometime since i sit dwn and really write (type).

The past 2 weeks was really very bad. I have learnt to speak positive n i shouldnt be saying things like ‘bad’, ‘lousy’ and all the negative etc.

But, it was really very bad, though bad, i believe there is hope and is not the end.

There are differences in opinions at home and i thank God that after i prayed and praised, the problem doesnt really seem to matter and i see improvements.

Sister is actually caring  towards the family, just that, she might still be at the age of wanting more freedom and time outside for herself.

I was expecting her to be like me, which is very wrong and i realise my mistake.

Recently, i am very close to my mum and i stick to her as much as i can, as often as i can, as long as i have time.

Mum will come to mind 1st whenever my frens ask me out, i will think of her (whether she is alone, whether she is hungry and etc).

I find it weird how ‘sticky’ i am to her recently, is like, i love her so much more than anytime of my life, i feel i cant do without her, i haven had this feeling for VERY long and the last time i had this feeling, i guess i was 7 or 8 years old.

Anyways, family is good and all i ask for is their safety everyday, and may God shower them His love and Mercy, with the Holy Spirits! 😀

Recently, i start to have weird dreams, alot of dreams of alot of people and situations.

To be very honest, i feel nothing towards my ex (the very last 1). I can NEVER forget what he did to me. i have encounter numerous men but never 1 as bad as this, with abuse and betrayals and violence all combined.
If you ask me if i have forgiven him, i think i did because i really feel nothing, no hatred no love. Is like hw you feel towards a complete stranger.
I cant really explain but anyone here knows what i am talking about??
Is like, you know what this person did before, but you feel nothing, not hurt towards those hurts he gave (anymore).

Ok whatever it is, the thing is, i dun understand y he always come to my dreams and i feel very disgusted in the morning and nope, i do not miss him a bit. So, it cant be the case that i am missing him and thus i dream of him. i am absulutely sure about this. (dont ask why because i wont tell, i shall just say, i rather miss some1 else. :p)

Thats not so nice. (the dream of him)

Then, i dreamt of a friend that i recently stopped talking to. hmm. Better dream but i feel i really miss him alot the moment i wake up.

Not so nice either.

We were once talking to each other everyday (for awhile) and then we stopped, we argued, we (tried to) sort out our differences and eventually ‘stopped’ contacting.

I realised, nothing is so bad to the stage of cutting off contacts and etc. But i am done with being unappreciated.

I have weird dreams that make me run around throughout the night and i woke up feeling like i really ran for the whole nite. Physical and mental tiredness!

At the same time, i found out that i have been mistaken about something all this while.

Work is just..ok, i wont declare the bad, i know the sly and scheming plans of certain people but i just confess that i will be able to do God’s work in my work and i will prosper.

The worse feeling came when my own cell group mates are behaving worse  than secular world.
I do not wish to talk much about this as i feel it isnt right. I guess i will get the problem solved, if not, God will.

Please do not be mistaken, my church, City Harvest, is STILL a very good place with good pastors, good teachings.
About the ‘cheating of $ crap’, oh please, i am still giving and i know i am giving to what,who and where.
I cant be bothered anymore about the accusations and i standby the church’s purposes.

However, a good church with good teachings is one thing, you cant control who step into the church.
Every person that steps into the church has a choice of  behaving like Christ or THE OPPOSITE.

God not only give us chances but also the ability to make choices, right?

Thus, some people might have chosen to act like Christ and at the same time, forgotten that Christ is a humble person when He was on earth, He is compassionate, He doesnt go after fame nor did He serve only the rich or with status.

Christ choose to trust every1 and thus gives every1 the ability to make choices.

I am greatly disappointed to see the people i am supposed to love or trust and care about, to be arrogant, to be talking to only the ones with status.

I know the only way is to Pray. I can honestly pray to change how i feel, how i want to handle and accept such disappointments.

Because i can never pray and ask for God to change them, what God wants to do with them, thats their business and it doesnt invovle me.
But i am just a human, i feel hurt and seriously disappointed.

The world is so realistic, if you are someone, of status, you are wise. If not, you are just a normal office worker. Sad but alot of people view Success in the monetary and status terms. However, i feel it shouldnt be the way because if i can care for a high ranking person, the more i should care for a dish washer. Ntg against any occupations, but, really, we should care for the person as a person and not because of his or her occupation or status.

Yes, i might not be drawing $10000 a month now, i might not be a boss (yet) 🙂 but it doesnt mean i am always small. So i dont despise myself, but yes, i do feel i get certain discrimination at times. This doesnt happen only in my cellgroup, it is the world we are living in.

I been to otherchurches, n yes, this problem occurs everywhere and not only City Harvest, i guess it is how the world works. But Thank God, i might not be filthy rich now, i am very happy with my life. At least i am not lacking nor in poverty. My life is good.

I thank God that not every1 is so concern about status. Jam (a very smart person, holding high post in a MNC that draws a high salary monthly) is someone that i appreciate a lot because he has never make me feel bad about myself, instead, he is so edifying in giving his valuable advices and he is very encouraging. His wife Chris, is also very kind and to my surprise, she is the ONLY one that understand what i am feeling! Despite my differences with Seven, she is also someone that spend time talking to me and i know who really cares for me. Is not many, but, thank God, is enough.

I emphasize, it has ntg to do with the church, is that handful of people that can disappoint you. Do not be surprised that people might disappoint you and some of them might be the closest to you, might be your family, frens, or churchmates. This can happen anywhere and at anytime. I believe, it doesnt only happen in my church, i been tru and i heard enough of human disappointments in other churches, in temples and in anywhere. It is simply a human issue. Not Church nor Religion issue. My friend,  is having such issue right at home with her own relatives (dvoted taoist).

Anyways…

A summary of my past 2 weeks. There are more to these but i guess thats enough negativity. I am just a human, i have stress too.
But it doesnt mean i am far from God, i believe no matter what happens, despite my sadness and tiredness, i have God with me and caring for me.

Thank you God for the strength. This might be a moulding season, please show me what do U want me to see and experience here.

I confess, Good is coming!

People, you may feel i am in denial or jst putting a front of being positive.

But, honestly, being positive is a choice. It is not in built and you will never be born with positivity. Along the way, you will be disappointed, you will be saddened, especially by human beings.
Thus, if you do not choose to be positive, there is nothing else you can do and before you know it, Depression sets in.

Yes, it is very realistic in this world, either you are sad or you are not, so before your brain and mind is screwed, when you are still sound and fine, you better make up your mind and make a choice. I CHOOSE TO NOT be sad.

I am quite well balanced, (i hope) :p  I do get sad and i am very emotional, but thank God for that. Unlike my friend, Seven, each time, i tell her my problems, all she can tell me is ” I wont be affected if i am you. if i am you, i cant b bothered. I wont b sad.” I wish to tell her, ‘thats u, not everyone else and definitely not me. please let me be me.’

I personally feel, is good to be so STRONG. but i dont think Christ make us to b emotionless, of  cos, i wish i can be, but too bad, i am just very sensitive, very emotional. Thats me. I thank God that i have compassion too, thats how i start helping people around me that are facing problems with emotions – be it work stress, break up, etc. Multiple clients of mine thank me for helping them even though they might not be doing busines with me. That really warms my heart.

I am not saying i am extremely helpful, i try my best. But i feel, to be able to help, you have to be compassionate and have feelings instead of being able to feel only JOY and not being able to feel other emotions because Christians are NOT (supposed to be) heartless. It doesnt mean that, with God, you will no longer feel sad. Christianity dont work that way.

Maybe there are plenty of reasons why people are reluctant to go to church, the above mentioned, is it familiar to you?

I once felt that the secular world is much better with acceptance and no condemnination. Church is a judging ground which you r to be judged the moment you set your foot in. Thus, i was reluctant in Christianity in the past.

Well, all i can say is, God is ALWAYS GOOD. If you ever experience Him, you will have a kind of joy and love in you which you will never be able to get from any1 else. But people in church, honestly, dont expect much of EVERYONE.

Not that every1 is bad or mean, definitely not, but there are bound to be a few that might not match your expectations.

Anyway, it also means, i have to keep myself very positive now. I am having a prayer meeting with Seven and Chris. Honestly, i kinda dread it because  i have been feeling  kinda distant from Seven ever since i notice the change in her. Whatever goes, i gave up on giving my ‘advices’, i am not being selfish, i tried my best in sharing my  thoughts and is more than once.

May God bless me with Peace, for U are peace tat stays in me.

Anyways, this is perhaps the first time i am actually writing my most honest feeling here. You guys always see me posting about happiness, joy and all, just to let you guys know, i am a human and i have stress too. I have feelings too. Realistic enough?

So, by Faith, i will post a very happy post the next. Glory to Jesus! 🙂

Some photos i took with my dearest below:

Nice hor? I took this while taking a walk last night. You guess where (was i). I wont say. Is too easy!

My holiday well spent with my beloved Aunt and Mum! 😀

Mum is SO CUTE! ❤

I honestly did not regret not going for that dinner gathering at all. I cant imagine going there to be nagged at and to be judged of. I had so much fun accompanying my mum and aunt! 🙂

With Mindy.

Sis and i! 🙂

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