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Posts tagged ‘Dealing with disappointments’

a little calmness after a little calamity of emotion ride

Hihi

My previous post was filled with extreme darkness. I was indeed feeling like crap last week.

Also, if you have not realize, even a Christian, even with God, you might still be feeling helpless and sad.

But deep inside you, you know that you wont fall nor die because the Creator of the Universe (that includes all emotions, things, and me) will never fail.

HE already knew what i was/ am thinking and up to, HE already knew my choices in different situations.
Even if i take a wrong pathway, it will not be wrong in His eyes as HE will plan everything for good.

It is human nature to have emotions, thus i have my own weak times too.

But i think, God is good. HE didnt let me stay in that area for too long and HE held my hand and walk me through with much patience.

Sometimes i feel very guilty. I love God, i wana be Christ like, but yet, i can lose my temper or patience. Yet, i stay unhappy with people.

Sometimes i feel i am expecting alot of myself, sometimes i feel i am just not trying hard enough to be kind, or kinder.

Example no. 1

You see, i was extremely pissed off when the wife of my buddy is rude.
It is no surprise that she is rude as her poor attitude is always there whenever we meet up. This isnt just my personal opinion of her but was agreed by all friends that hang out with her.

Can i judge? Do i judge? If i agree to it, am i already sinning? But if it is the truth that she is rude, it is the truth, how can that be judging?

Till the day they got married, i finally convinced myself to accept her like how i accepted my friend.

But, despite being the one giving in and wanting to make friends, she still behaves lik as if i should do this, like i should give in.

Firstly, i am angry as NOBODY is expected or obliged to be friendly to anybody. We behave nicely and talk to someone nicely not to expect anything in return but the least the other party can do, is to be polite and respectful.

Cases like this, do i judge or do i tell myself that i am kind, i love her anyways?

I do not want to lie to myself, i can never love her, not even liking her. But Jesus taught us to love our enemies?

Haha.

Look, being a Christian is easy. Anyone can go for baptism and anyone can declare that they are Christians. But being a God fearing and God loving Christian is very hard and i am STILL fighting my flesh to be one.

I struggled and am still struggling. Now, people will tell me – pray. I guess thats the only best way but Seven taught me something very useful too.

She said: If you are talking to this person nicely and he/she (in this case, my friend’s wife) ignore or behaves rudely, he/she is accountable to God and not you. Just do what you ought to.

Sounds easy? Yes very easy. But is not easy to let go just like that, is not easy. You may  say i am petty but is true that it is a struggle to bear with irritating people right?

Then God also say, In this world we will all have tribulations. Thus, challenges and irritating people are bound to be around, it was already confirmed in the Holy Bible. It is no surprising that these people exist.
So if is expected, why am i expecting all people to be nice?

Anyway, thats just an example of one of the frustrations i faced last week. It is NOT about the rude woman but about myself.
I find myself fighting hard against my flesh.

In case you dont get it and you dont understand what am i talking about above. I shall summarize it: if someone is rude to you despite you being nice, even if you are very sure she is rude, just let go n let God deal with her (or him). You do whats right for yourself.

(I did. and i removed that FB status of telling the world she is rude)

My stuggle is to stay positive and happy, doing whats right DESPITE what the world hits at me, DESPITE disappointments and DESPITE situations.

I fail terribly each time i am tested and it is SO difficult to not put emotions above everything. I need to remind myself constantly and i really need the Holy Spirit. > Satan talking

I am not only with you, i Live in you. Why would it be difficult? > Jesus talking

I realised that, to be closer to God, it also means behaving like Him.
For example, i rendered help to a lady (my mum’s colleague) yesterday.
This lady always critisize my church and my pastors and to be honest, i was offended and never like her.

However, she needed help badly and i struggled to help her.
I was thinking to myself ” since she say so much nasty stuffs about my church, why should i still be helping her? she wants help, she go elsewhere to beg then”

Then i realized, if Pastor Kong were to know of my thinking, he would be very disappointed.
As if thats not enough, if Jesus know (ok, i think HE already knew) about my thinking, HE would be VERY sad.

Thus, in the end, i managed to get the lady a wheelchair (with the help of Janet and Kelvin) and i sowed a seed! 😀

I didnt expect her to stop badmouthing my church (as thats not my primary motive of helping her) but she eventually did, which is quite expected but not only that, she let me pray for her, and i was given the chance to serve.
While buying food for her yesterday, something came to my mind “you gave me food when i needed food”.

Thats what Jesus said! He said that we are actually serving Him when we are serving His people.

At that point, i thought to myself, how can i be so kind at 1 moment and so mean at another moment? What kinda person or identity i want to have? you cant be both kind and mean at the same time! It is very tough being this and behaving that. Everyone has to choose 1 identity.
This also explain why some undercover cops suffer from depression as they do not know who they are anymore – the bad robber or the righteous policeman?

Even though it is not easy to forgive those wrongdoings of mine, those people that hurt me, those rude peope that (still) exist, i have to choose to let go. I do not know how to forgive, honestly, it is almost impossible for me. So, i give it to God and ask God to wash my heart and i submit to HIM, the people i hate, the wrongs i did.

Personally, it is very good for me to render help to needy as i will find myself to be stronger, emotionally and spiritually. As i am behaving more like Christ, i wouldnt have to fight n struggle (so hard) between being a robber & a policeman.

Ok, i talked briefly about how to handle disappointing people, and i guess God is testing me to the max. This colleague is PUSHING everything to me again when it is none of my business nor jobscope. Gossips are flying all around again. 

BREATHE IN AND OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are many things which bothered me last week. Some are too sensitive to be discussed over here but i have more to share. The next time, it will be how i turn to be the one disappointing others. (not proud but i bet every1 disapoints somebody in their life before, dont deny) ha.

Stay tune.

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how real?

   Hihi.

It has been sometime since i sit dwn and really write (type).

The past 2 weeks was really very bad. I have learnt to speak positive n i shouldnt be saying things like ‘bad’, ‘lousy’ and all the negative etc.

But, it was really very bad, though bad, i believe there is hope and is not the end.

There are differences in opinions at home and i thank God that after i prayed and praised, the problem doesnt really seem to matter and i see improvements.

Sister is actually caring  towards the family, just that, she might still be at the age of wanting more freedom and time outside for herself.

I was expecting her to be like me, which is very wrong and i realise my mistake.

Recently, i am very close to my mum and i stick to her as much as i can, as often as i can, as long as i have time.

Mum will come to mind 1st whenever my frens ask me out, i will think of her (whether she is alone, whether she is hungry and etc).

I find it weird how ‘sticky’ i am to her recently, is like, i love her so much more than anytime of my life, i feel i cant do without her, i haven had this feeling for VERY long and the last time i had this feeling, i guess i was 7 or 8 years old.

Anyways, family is good and all i ask for is their safety everyday, and may God shower them His love and Mercy, with the Holy Spirits! 😀

Recently, i start to have weird dreams, alot of dreams of alot of people and situations.

To be very honest, i feel nothing towards my ex (the very last 1). I can NEVER forget what he did to me. i have encounter numerous men but never 1 as bad as this, with abuse and betrayals and violence all combined.
If you ask me if i have forgiven him, i think i did because i really feel nothing, no hatred no love. Is like hw you feel towards a complete stranger.
I cant really explain but anyone here knows what i am talking about??
Is like, you know what this person did before, but you feel nothing, not hurt towards those hurts he gave (anymore).

Ok whatever it is, the thing is, i dun understand y he always come to my dreams and i feel very disgusted in the morning and nope, i do not miss him a bit. So, it cant be the case that i am missing him and thus i dream of him. i am absulutely sure about this. (dont ask why because i wont tell, i shall just say, i rather miss some1 else. :p)

Thats not so nice. (the dream of him)

Then, i dreamt of a friend that i recently stopped talking to. hmm. Better dream but i feel i really miss him alot the moment i wake up.

Not so nice either.

We were once talking to each other everyday (for awhile) and then we stopped, we argued, we (tried to) sort out our differences and eventually ‘stopped’ contacting.

I realised, nothing is so bad to the stage of cutting off contacts and etc. But i am done with being unappreciated.

I have weird dreams that make me run around throughout the night and i woke up feeling like i really ran for the whole nite. Physical and mental tiredness!

At the same time, i found out that i have been mistaken about something all this while.

Work is just..ok, i wont declare the bad, i know the sly and scheming plans of certain people but i just confess that i will be able to do God’s work in my work and i will prosper.

The worse feeling came when my own cell group mates are behaving worse  than secular world.
I do not wish to talk much about this as i feel it isnt right. I guess i will get the problem solved, if not, God will.

Please do not be mistaken, my church, City Harvest, is STILL a very good place with good pastors, good teachings.
About the ‘cheating of $ crap’, oh please, i am still giving and i know i am giving to what,who and where.
I cant be bothered anymore about the accusations and i standby the church’s purposes.

However, a good church with good teachings is one thing, you cant control who step into the church.
Every person that steps into the church has a choice of  behaving like Christ or THE OPPOSITE.

God not only give us chances but also the ability to make choices, right?

Thus, some people might have chosen to act like Christ and at the same time, forgotten that Christ is a humble person when He was on earth, He is compassionate, He doesnt go after fame nor did He serve only the rich or with status.

Christ choose to trust every1 and thus gives every1 the ability to make choices.

I am greatly disappointed to see the people i am supposed to love or trust and care about, to be arrogant, to be talking to only the ones with status.

I know the only way is to Pray. I can honestly pray to change how i feel, how i want to handle and accept such disappointments.

Because i can never pray and ask for God to change them, what God wants to do with them, thats their business and it doesnt invovle me.
But i am just a human, i feel hurt and seriously disappointed.

The world is so realistic, if you are someone, of status, you are wise. If not, you are just a normal office worker. Sad but alot of people view Success in the monetary and status terms. However, i feel it shouldnt be the way because if i can care for a high ranking person, the more i should care for a dish washer. Ntg against any occupations, but, really, we should care for the person as a person and not because of his or her occupation or status.

Yes, i might not be drawing $10000 a month now, i might not be a boss (yet) 🙂 but it doesnt mean i am always small. So i dont despise myself, but yes, i do feel i get certain discrimination at times. This doesnt happen only in my cellgroup, it is the world we are living in.

I been to otherchurches, n yes, this problem occurs everywhere and not only City Harvest, i guess it is how the world works. But Thank God, i might not be filthy rich now, i am very happy with my life. At least i am not lacking nor in poverty. My life is good.

I thank God that not every1 is so concern about status. Jam (a very smart person, holding high post in a MNC that draws a high salary monthly) is someone that i appreciate a lot because he has never make me feel bad about myself, instead, he is so edifying in giving his valuable advices and he is very encouraging. His wife Chris, is also very kind and to my surprise, she is the ONLY one that understand what i am feeling! Despite my differences with Seven, she is also someone that spend time talking to me and i know who really cares for me. Is not many, but, thank God, is enough.

I emphasize, it has ntg to do with the church, is that handful of people that can disappoint you. Do not be surprised that people might disappoint you and some of them might be the closest to you, might be your family, frens, or churchmates. This can happen anywhere and at anytime. I believe, it doesnt only happen in my church, i been tru and i heard enough of human disappointments in other churches, in temples and in anywhere. It is simply a human issue. Not Church nor Religion issue. My friend,  is having such issue right at home with her own relatives (dvoted taoist).

Anyways…

A summary of my past 2 weeks. There are more to these but i guess thats enough negativity. I am just a human, i have stress too.
But it doesnt mean i am far from God, i believe no matter what happens, despite my sadness and tiredness, i have God with me and caring for me.

Thank you God for the strength. This might be a moulding season, please show me what do U want me to see and experience here.

I confess, Good is coming!

People, you may feel i am in denial or jst putting a front of being positive.

But, honestly, being positive is a choice. It is not in built and you will never be born with positivity. Along the way, you will be disappointed, you will be saddened, especially by human beings.
Thus, if you do not choose to be positive, there is nothing else you can do and before you know it, Depression sets in.

Yes, it is very realistic in this world, either you are sad or you are not, so before your brain and mind is screwed, when you are still sound and fine, you better make up your mind and make a choice. I CHOOSE TO NOT be sad.

I am quite well balanced, (i hope) :p  I do get sad and i am very emotional, but thank God for that. Unlike my friend, Seven, each time, i tell her my problems, all she can tell me is ” I wont be affected if i am you. if i am you, i cant b bothered. I wont b sad.” I wish to tell her, ‘thats u, not everyone else and definitely not me. please let me be me.’

I personally feel, is good to be so STRONG. but i dont think Christ make us to b emotionless, of  cos, i wish i can be, but too bad, i am just very sensitive, very emotional. Thats me. I thank God that i have compassion too, thats how i start helping people around me that are facing problems with emotions – be it work stress, break up, etc. Multiple clients of mine thank me for helping them even though they might not be doing busines with me. That really warms my heart.

I am not saying i am extremely helpful, i try my best. But i feel, to be able to help, you have to be compassionate and have feelings instead of being able to feel only JOY and not being able to feel other emotions because Christians are NOT (supposed to be) heartless. It doesnt mean that, with God, you will no longer feel sad. Christianity dont work that way.

Maybe there are plenty of reasons why people are reluctant to go to church, the above mentioned, is it familiar to you?

I once felt that the secular world is much better with acceptance and no condemnination. Church is a judging ground which you r to be judged the moment you set your foot in. Thus, i was reluctant in Christianity in the past.

Well, all i can say is, God is ALWAYS GOOD. If you ever experience Him, you will have a kind of joy and love in you which you will never be able to get from any1 else. But people in church, honestly, dont expect much of EVERYONE.

Not that every1 is bad or mean, definitely not, but there are bound to be a few that might not match your expectations.

Anyway, it also means, i have to keep myself very positive now. I am having a prayer meeting with Seven and Chris. Honestly, i kinda dread it because  i have been feeling  kinda distant from Seven ever since i notice the change in her. Whatever goes, i gave up on giving my ‘advices’, i am not being selfish, i tried my best in sharing my  thoughts and is more than once.

May God bless me with Peace, for U are peace tat stays in me.

Anyways, this is perhaps the first time i am actually writing my most honest feeling here. You guys always see me posting about happiness, joy and all, just to let you guys know, i am a human and i have stress too. I have feelings too. Realistic enough?

So, by Faith, i will post a very happy post the next. Glory to Jesus! 🙂

Some photos i took with my dearest below:

Nice hor? I took this while taking a walk last night. You guess where (was i). I wont say. Is too easy!

My holiday well spent with my beloved Aunt and Mum! 😀

Mum is SO CUTE! ❤

I honestly did not regret not going for that dinner gathering at all. I cant imagine going there to be nagged at and to be judged of. I had so much fun accompanying my mum and aunt! 🙂

With Mindy.

Sis and i! 🙂

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