My previous post was filled with extreme darkness. I was indeed feeling like crap last week.
Also, if you have not realize, even a Christian, even with God, you might still be feeling helpless and sad.
But deep inside you, you know that you wont fall nor die because the Creator of the Universe (that includes all emotions, things, and me) will never fail.
HE already knew what i was/ am thinking and up to, HE already knew my choices in different situations.
Even if i take a wrong pathway, it will not be wrong in His eyes as HE will plan everything for good.
It is human nature to have emotions, thus i have my own weak times too.
But i think, God is good. HE didnt let me stay in that area for too long and HE held my hand and walk me through with much patience.
Sometimes i feel very guilty. I love God, i wana be Christ like, but yet, i can lose my temper or patience. Yet, i stay unhappy with people.
Sometimes i feel i am expecting alot of myself, sometimes i feel i am just not trying hard enough to be kind, or kinder.
Example no. 1
You see, i was extremely pissed off when the wife of my buddy is rude.
It is no surprise that she is rude as her poor attitude is always there whenever we meet up. This isnt just my personal opinion of her but was agreed by all friends that hang out with her.
Can i judge? Do i judge? If i agree to it, am i already sinning? But if it is the truth that she is rude, it is the truth, how can that be judging?
Till the day they got married, i finally convinced myself to accept her like how i accepted my friend.
But, despite being the one giving in and wanting to make friends, she still behaves lik as if i should do this, like i should give in.
Firstly, i am angry as NOBODY is expected or obliged to be friendly to anybody. We behave nicely and talk to someone nicely not to expect anything in return but the least the other party can do, is to be polite and respectful.
Cases like this, do i judge or do i tell myself that i am kind, i love her anyways?
I do not want to lie to myself, i can never love her, not even liking her. But Jesus taught us to love our enemies?
Look, being a Christian is easy. Anyone can go for baptism and anyone can declare that they are Christians. But being a God fearing and God loving Christian is very hard and i am STILL fighting my flesh to be one.
I struggled and am still struggling. Now, people will tell me – pray. I guess thats the only best way but Seven taught me something very useful too.
She said: If you are talking to this person nicely and he/she (in this case, my friend’s wife) ignore or behaves rudely, he/she is accountable to God and not you. Just do what you ought to.
Sounds easy? Yes very easy. But is not easy to let go just like that, is not easy. You may say i am petty but is true that it is a struggle to bear with irritating people right?
Then God also say, In this world we will all have tribulations. Thus, challenges and irritating people are bound to be around, it was already confirmed in the Holy Bible. It is no surprising that these people exist.
So if is expected, why am i expecting all people to be nice?
Anyway, thats just an example of one of the frustrations i faced last week. It is NOT about the rude woman but about myself.
I find myself fighting hard against my flesh.
In case you dont get it and you dont understand what am i talking about above. I shall summarize it: if someone is rude to you despite you being nice, even if you are very sure she is rude, just let go n let God deal with her (or him). You do whats right for yourself.
(I did. and i removed that FB status of telling the world she is rude)
My stuggle is to stay positive and happy, doing whats right DESPITE what the world hits at me, DESPITE disappointments and DESPITE situations.
I fail terribly each time i am tested and it is SO difficult to not put emotions above everything. I need to remind myself constantly and i really need the Holy Spirit. > Satan talking
I am not only with you, i Live in you. Why would it be difficult? > Jesus talking
I realised that, to be closer to God, it also means behaving like Him.
For example, i rendered help to a lady (my mum’s colleague) yesterday.
This lady always critisize my church and my pastors and to be honest, i was offended and never like her.
However, she needed help badly and i struggled to help her.
I was thinking to myself ” since she say so much nasty stuffs about my church, why should i still be helping her? she wants help, she go elsewhere to beg then”
Then i realized, if Pastor Kong were to know of my thinking, he would be very disappointed.
As if thats not enough, if Jesus know (ok, i think HE already knew) about my thinking, HE would be VERY sad.
Thus, in the end, i managed to get the lady a wheelchair (with the help of Janet and Kelvin) and i sowed a seed! 😀
I didnt expect her to stop badmouthing my church (as thats not my primary motive of helping her) but she eventually did, which is quite expected but not only that, she let me pray for her, and i was given the chance to serve.
While buying food for her yesterday, something came to my mind “you gave me food when i needed food”.
Thats what Jesus said! He said that we are actually serving Him when we are serving His people.
At that point, i thought to myself, how can i be so kind at 1 moment and so mean at another moment? What kinda person or identity i want to have? you cant be both kind and mean at the same time! It is very tough being this and behaving that. Everyone has to choose 1 identity.
This also explain why some undercover cops suffer from depression as they do not know who they are anymore – the bad robber or the righteous policeman?
Even though it is not easy to forgive those wrongdoings of mine, those people that hurt me, those rude peope that (still) exist, i have to choose to let go. I do not know how to forgive, honestly, it is almost impossible for me. So, i give it to God and ask God to wash my heart and i submit to HIM, the people i hate, the wrongs i did.
Personally, it is very good for me to render help to needy as i will find myself to be stronger, emotionally and spiritually. As i am behaving more like Christ, i wouldnt have to fight n struggle (so hard) between being a robber & a policeman.
Ok, i talked briefly about how to handle disappointing people, and i guess God is testing me to the max. This colleague is PUSHING everything to me again when it is none of my business nor jobscope. Gossips are flying all around again.
BREATHE IN AND OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are many things which bothered me last week. Some are too sensitive to be discussed over here but i have more to share. The next time, it will be how i turn to be the one disappointing others. (not proud but i bet every1 disapoints somebody in their life before, dont deny) ha.