Believe. Faith. Love. When they are alive, HE is alive.

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Vdate – What a long hiatus! 2014

IMG_20140112_18Happy 2014!!! Although i am really almost a month late for the greeting.

Yeap, it has been quite sometime since i last blogged. A month of being missing in action might be the norm for most people but looking back, i used to blog weekly, if not, bi weekly! Goodness! I am hoping that i am not turning lazier but the fact that i have to convince myself i am not….
Ok, anyway, let’s just say i am busier with new stuffs and i have to commit myself to the more important things.

I was thinking what i should blog about since most people usually would do a flashback on 2013  or coming up with a list of 2014 resolutions.
I guess i do not fancy the latter so perhaps i will just do a SHORT flashback on 2013 because honestly, i cant really remember much of what happened in 2013. (Maybe i do, but there are alot of things that i have chosen to forget)

So… let’s see…

In Year 2013,

Spiritual
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I am with God and never leave HIM in anyway. I am still rooted in a very nice spiritual family – BBG.
To others, they might think that BBG is unlike the Church i used to go but i am very sure this is the place God wants me to be in.
Thank you God, i believe you are moulding me in Your way and blessing me in Your way too. 

Family
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I am closer to my family of course. My Mum, my Sister, my Aunt and all. However, it wasnt really a good year for us, Mum was hospitalized for her weak knee and Sis and i have to visit her daily and took care of the house. Now, dont u go judging us. It is really NOT easy to do all the chores that Mum does. You know it perfectly well unless you have a family of your own.
Well, good thing is, Mum recovered and her being her, she is strong enough to look pass the fact that she is ageing though she can be rather negative at times. But alls well.
Sis and i faced the biggest challenge ever as we fought like crazy. We really felt very sad and bad that period of time, we have done everything we could to reconcile and in the end, she had to move out to cool down for a period of time… But thank God, she came back and she came back with an open mind and thank God, she is more kind and considerate this time round.
But all in all, i am just thankful that my family members are safe and sound, healthy and good.

Career
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I guess this section has to be the shortest. One word – Mediocre.
There is slight pay increment, there r some benefits here and there and i am thankful for all that.
However, the politics here is worse than Workers Party vs PAP.
So..i dont know. Basically i dont know what else to describe about my work except that i have a change of Boss and the current Boss gave a more detailed planning and direction for all the lost sheeps who were under poor management previously.
That is perhaps 1 good thing and yah, more stress might be on the way.
I have also started planning, doing something for my personal plan. I went overseas, i met up with relevant professionals.
However, due to budget constraint and my ill discipline, the plan was held back for very long. It is not helping when i was kinda timid and i was always lacking the courage to pursue what i want. But in year 2014, i swear i will just go ahead with all that i have on hand and do what i can and let God do the rest! Amen.

Relationship
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This must be the most exciting topic in this post. (at least to me and John? lol)
After being alone for 2 freaking long years (i have never been single for that long) I am in a relationship again.
To be honest, previously, i lost all faith in r/s (i know i say this many times and i always end up with some jerk after saying  that but really, this time it is different)
If you follow my blog, you would know. If not, you can read here and here. If you are too lazy to read or find out, let’s just say, i was really not intending to get hitched in any way. Yes i did hope for it secretly but really, on the scale of 10, my desire to be alone was 8.

I have hurt and i have been hurt alot of times and each  time after a break up, i would tell myself that i want to be alone because i am oh so jaded and i have lost all faith. But, you know, each time i say that, i was secretly hoping that someone will come around and show me that there is hope in this world, i was secretly hoping for someone that will appear in my life and show me what loyalty is all about, someone that is different, that will view loyalty as the most important factor in a r/s, someone that respect, that loves, that knows Love is not just a feeling but a Decision. (i actually blogged about this sometimes back, please read it here)

However, after the last r/s in 2011, i have decided firmly that such person does not exist, either that or he prolly does exist but he will never be mine. (yea, that’s negative but you cant blame me, i have suffered f-up r/s for at least 10yrs and having said that, i am not saying that i was never at fault, i believe no 1 party should bear all blames for failures for r/s)

Then, someone appeared in my life silently, normally, with an add in Facebook. John, i think you must be grinning at this.
Look, i mentioned that i will write about us once things are more stable and etc. Thus i wont go into much details now but hopefully that day will come and i can write about really fruitful news and hopefully we can move on further to another stage of the r/s by then.
Anyways, John was my schmate in Chung Cheng High Main (secondary school) and i never liked him back then.
He was just someone that my then- best friend dated. Other than that, all i knew of him was that he represented the sch for table tennis and apparently he was good at what he did, he studied in the special stream class and he was good with soccer. Thats all i knew about him and i had absolutely no interest in knowing more about him back then. Not that he wasnt attractive or anything but i was really immersed with Counterstrike and was more interested in friends outside school.

So anyway, that’s how we initially knew about each other. We hardly spoke and i think the only time i said something to him back then was an insult, he told me i called him ‘bastard’ and i shant talk much abt it.AHAH!
After 10 over years (got or not ar?), i duno how God work His miracle, John saw a pretty me (AHEM) on FB and he added me. LOL, ok la, he added me cos he knew it was me and also because i am pretty can? LOL

From then on….. i shall save e details for next time. HAHA!

But i really wana say, since the day we started dating, i have never regretted because he shows me everything i want in a man, everything i ask from God and we are on the same page in almost all things. We possess the same perspective most of the time, our moral values tally with each other, we admire each other and are very attracted to each other, we acknowledge that God is the One that is in the center of the r/s and honestly, the list goes on.

“Wah, this is long but seriously, i really really want this to work out as much as you do John. “

We are working very hard towards it and thank God for this surprise blessing, both us are grateful and we pray that we will always cherish this r/s the way we do now. Though we are really just mths together, some even say we are in the honeymoon period, both of us really want this honeymoon period  to last and till date, we still feel very happy upon seeing each other and we will always make up after each fight with  rational minds. Hope this continue and although we can never guarantee the future, i hope nothing ever changes because John really closed the chapter of 2013 for me wonderfully.

Health

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I started seeing a psychiatrist and i am talking to a psychologist too. Well, ntg can be concluded as of now but at least i am under control for whatever i am suffering from. Many people view Depression or Mental illness as something shameful. I was one of those people. I always think that only the weak people will admit that they are depressed.
For me, it is even tougher as i am expected by the world to walk out of any crappy mental problem just because i claim  that God is real.
But i have made peace with myself and accepted that i might be stressed, and i have issues in me that might be unresolved. I believe God created professional help for people like me. Thus i am happy i have started talking to someone and on the path of getting my healthy mind back.
I also stated working out and i have lost weight, i have put on weight. It no longer matters i guess, as long as i am healthy. In the later part of 2013, i started to slack off. I am determined to return to the Gym soon (cut me some slack, CNY coming! 😛)

Wealth
Looking good, looking good. But can be better! HUAT LA 2014! Especially after spending that $400+ on a tooth. It wasnt even serious op, it was just a normal tooth being plucked out. FML.

Alright, i hope the above summarized my 2013 generally and it is honestly not short at all. LOL
I have no resolution for 2014 but i do hope that i can be more hardworking, less hot tempered, and more diligent and patient for 2014. I am very happy now. I have the best family, the best bf, the best friends around me and i want to lose none of them. I wish that all of them will be happy and safe everyday. I wish that i can achieve more in my career and hopefully the house that Mum and i wanted will be ours soon 🙂

As i really gtg, i hope the crazy amt of photos i post will make you happy because i am signing off!
Happy Chinese  New Year and may all of you be blessed with Peace and Prosperity!

恭喜发财!万事如意!身体健康!

IMG_20131222_2Our First overseas trip – KL

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IMG_20131221_7with the very talented Aloysius Yap

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IMG_20131224_3shopping spree

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Christmas 2013
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R3hab with John and his friends @ Zouk for Xmas
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Dinner with Mummy and John before party
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IMG_20131225_46Many more Xmas-es together! 🙂

IMG_20131225_54Staycation at The Sultan
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With my lovely family on Xmas day
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Gathering before 2014 with the peeps!
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My Loves!

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My Twin!

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IMG_20131228_13My Bff forever

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2014!

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we didnt go anywhere extravagant, we were in the car, counting down with the radio station.
But it was beautiful, with kisses, hugs and wishes, we crossed over to 2014 together. 🙂
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IMG_20140103_4totally in love with this white crochet dress
Wore this for dinner with John and his parents @ Jpot

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IMG_20140106_5@ Poulet

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IMG_20140110_10Random dating pictues

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IMG_20140112_17Dinner with Mummy and John @ PP

My Ex Boss Gavin’s big day with Liz
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With the ex colleagues

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John came and fetch me after the wedding and we hanged

pl

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And i shall end my post with the current KPOP hair color i just did. 
Love my hair 😀

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Acceptance.

Approximately 15 minutes ago, i was very depressed.

I was asking for a favour from my sister and although it is not unexpected that she turned me down, i still feel pricked because probably i still have hope in me (that perhaps she will show some care by saying Yes)

However,  she turned me down flatly and even say things like “you said you can do it alone”

Sure, of course i can do it alone.

I am doing it alone, arent i doing it alone from day 1?

I know that nobody is obliged to help me out. It is a dream that both of us wanted and since the day she backed out, i am still in this dream.
It is fine, i wanted it.

But despite the fact that she isnt in this with me, i still think alot of how to share this dream with her, should this dream harvest into something fruitful.

But i guess, that is just one sided.

I guess what i do not understand is not about why she reject my plead for help.

I do not understand why as blood tied kins, how can someone so close (that came out from the same tummy) is able to feel indifferent when it comes to rejecting a favour asked. She feels nothing, AT ALL.

She just threw me a sentence “i dont feel like”

Now, that is very hurting.

I would offer my help with all i can even if she says that she is able to do it alone. Is that very stupid or Kay-Poh of me? Should i mind my own business in future?
If i do, i will feel uneasy and selfish, perhaps that is my character. I cannot bring myself to say things like “well u wanted to do it alone, so you do it alone, why are u complaining?”

Because i will feel for the other party, i will know how stressful she is, i will try my best to help even if she does not ask anything from me. I cant bear to see her feeling stressed all alone….

So why cant she do the same for me???

20minutes later, which is now…

I feel much better.

I guess i have only Jesus to thank.

I thought of Him. 

If you have to know, i can share with you.

Look, my belief and faith towards Jesus is strong but my love for Him isnt strong enough……Why would i say that?

Well, I am sure HE is there for me every second and is waiting for me to turn to him and give HIM some attention. But honestly, i didnt.
Most of the time, if i am not busy working and planning out my dream, i am watching some TV drama series.
I only talk briefly to HIM for 5minutes before i sleep and less than a minute when i wake up.
I am sure HE feels as sad as how i feel now….

But if HE were to feel hurt and expect me to be as patient as HIM, HE would have given up on me long ago because i can never be as faithful, i can never give HIM my constant attention.

But HE loves me still. That is unconditional love.  That is Acceptance.

Thus, as i am typing this, i can feel my heart lighten up, feeling much better. This is the 1st time i try thinking of Jesus when i m very depressed and helpless, i am ashamed to even say that this is the 1st time but indeed it is.
In the past, i just allow myself to be sad and wallow in self pity and sadness but this time round, i have too much on my plate to handle, i cant afford to waste time in sadness and insecurity.

I cant be anymore thankful, thank you Jesus, thank you for making me understand that every1 has her flaws, and i have my flaws too.
Most importantly, i cannot and should not expect anyone to be as “helpful” as me, there are things that i cant do too and if anyone expects that i do the same thing and behave the same way as them, i would be unhappy too.

Maybe this lesson is for me to learn – everyone has different character and personality, she might be less helpful but perhaps she is more calm when it comes to arguments. I shouldnt expect of her to be the same as me like how she wouldnt expect me to be the same of her. Maybe i should let go and stop expecting. Somethings can’t be forced but some relationships are destined, we cant change that. Thus we should really learn to Accept.

Thank you God.

Now, you might find that this is silly, but i really did manage to feel better and now i am off to do more constructive things, to plan for my project.

I am not trying to help anyone here but i just need an avenue to pen down my thoughts. I haven been opening up ever since i was told  that i am ill and that i need a shrink…

I might find strength in my Faith, but if you are not a believer and you think that Jesus is like Santa Claus, perhaps you can also see things in another perspective…
There will always be someone that is nicer to you than you know, he or she will accept you unconditionally, it might be your Mum/Dad, your Spouse or Partner? I wouldnt know, but you know, because he/she is the 1st person that came to your mind when i mention this.

However, this person has never once expect the same from you, he/she forgives and loves you even though you are not as nice as them. This world is never fair, quoting my sister “if the world is fair, all fingers will be of the same length”.
While you are upset with others failing your expectations of them, there are people who are equally upset with you but still accepting you… Maybe you would like to do the same, by accepting another person who sin differently as you?

I am just saying. Like i say, i am not even sure if i can help myself because of my illness, i am not so noble to help the world. I just wish to pen down my thoughts and share if i can.

Till the next post, may Love take over all. God Bless`

Vdates 3rd week April 2013

IMG_20130420_8Hi^

Its another week and i am seriously dreading the coming month. I have no mood to celebrate my Bday and i dont even like the idea of my Bday approaching that fast.

Totally hated it and am still dreading it. I know i shouldnt but i cant help it. My Bday seems to be shitty every year.

Anw, first and foremost, i feel so sorry for the loss of  one of the local actors. He passed away last Sat due to lymphoma cancer.
I am not a big fan of local entertainment/ mediacorp shows or ‘celebs’. Well i just watch wadever is on the tv since the tv is already on most of the time when i return home from work, daily.

But this actor can really act, and he does not possess that arrogant aura that most of the local celebs do. In other words, he is rather humble as he appears.

It is the loss of Singapore’s media scene.

hwy

Rip Mr Huang. You will be missed. 

Anyway, there are too many sad news recently. I guess the world is turning sadder day by day. Nobody want to read or hear about the news nowadays because it is filled with too much sadness and negative stuffs. What makes it worse is the ignorant comments coming from the netizens.

There are bombings, serious rape cases, stupid adultery scandals, natural disasters, wars and whatnot.

It is really depressing to read about the news now.

I have not much to update too.

I am not really happy but i aint that depressed now… it is getting better for me, i guess.

While i am still not very motivated for the plan i had but i know i have to face it someday unless i quit.

I am giving myself a break till May. Will officially get really busy when May comes. Time really flies isnt it. Before we knw it, it is already almost half a year of 2013.

😦

Anw, just to touch on the sermon of Mary Magdalene (i mentioned in my previous blogpost)..

I rem i was still in a very depressed state and i just suddenly decided to read some biblical material/ books. I do not usually like to read, i rather listen to sermons most of the time.
Thus i dont usually pick up those stack of books on my desk.

That particular night…i picked up 1 booklet sent by RBC Ministries .
Previously, Christina (my CG mate) registered for me and got them to send me materials regularly.
I was really guilty of not reading them because i am lazy… 😦

So anw, that night before i read the booklet, i actually said a short prayer and i mentioned “Jesus, i do not know if you are around. I know you are real, but i do doubt your existence whenever i am so depressed…i am guilty of that but if U are around, will you please give me a sign?”

Then i went to my bed, still tearing, holding a booklet by RBC – it is about Mary Magdalene.

I was reading by myself and my Mum came in.

She on her daily podcast (i seriously think God is very good to my Mum. She was playing with her radio on her hp previously and she just randomly chance upon this FM channel that gives sermons daily in mandarin) and she began to listen.
I do not usually listen to her podcast as it is in Mandarin, i am more used to listen to English ones but i do listen with her sometimes.
She might not understand what she is listening but she enjoys listening and sometimes she would ask me. I am so happy for her.

So that night, she came in with her podcast and i read my material…I never talk to anyone in the family after the fight with my sis, thus i just do my own stuff while she does hers.

As i was reading this in my mind in English “Jesus chased 7 demons out of Mary Magdalene and the name of this lady was mentioned in the bible for more than 12 times…”
Mum’s podcast was speaking the EXACT WORDS IN MANDARIN!!! OMG.

I was so shocked, i mean..what are the chances!??!

I dont usually listen to her podcast and i dont usually read the books sent by RBC…
But on that particular depressing night, after i made that tiny prayer… I actually experienced this very rare and weird, yet peaceful encounter!

 I do not know how to describe but it is very amazing. Some might tell me it is just coincidence but i really do not think it is so coincidental…Somehow, something in me tells me that Jesus gave me this sign that HE is there.

I feel peaceful and i fell asleep with Peace in me, for the 1st time after the fight broke out between Sis and me in the family.

As i type this now, i can still feel the goosebumps… Just imagine! Reading and listening the same thing altogether, in 2 different languages and coming from 2 different sources, in the same room.

It is very creepy haha but it is really very miraculous.

Praise my Lord for the little surprise 🙂

Anw, just fyi, after reading, i actually realise that alot of people including myself, mistaken Mary Magdalene as the prostitute, or the woman that committed adultery in the bible. She is actually NOT and there is no concrete evidence that she worked as a prostitute. 

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But i have to say, the devil isnt some1 that gives up easily too. I was disturbed in the morning, when i was praying, there is this constant voice (not literally in my ear but more like it is speaking in my head. I cant tell if it is psychological on my part but i noe the uneasy feeling in me) that ask me why am i praying and speaking to me telling me  that it is of no use even if i pray.

The feeling was very uneasy and i rem feeling very tired and angry…

I never stop praying though and i even play the worship Songs sang by Sun and i tried to keep myself calm while listening and praying at the same time.

The uneasy feeling only went away after a while…

For non believers, you might be skeptical because i would be too. Even the believers might find it hard to believe but all that i share here is true.
I just thought of sharing and hopefully this encourages you that God is always with you, no matter what you are going through.

It is hard for me because i realise that everytime i minister to people in need, or even when i am just assuring friends and readers in my blog that God is around us, something not so nice wud happen to me, and i know perfectly well that it is from the evil and NOT from God.

I know that my assurance will bite back at me each time but i believe my God is larger than the world’s problem, He will not leave me nor shortchange me.

As i am typing now, situation at home still did not change and it is as bad as it can be and thus i m not looking forward to my Bday. I always thought it will be nice to celebrate with my family, with fun and joy… but looking at it now, it most probably wont happen already.

But by Faith, i am still hoping for the best, even if it doesnt happen on my Bday this year, hopefully things will turn out better soon.

I still believe that God will turn every situation around that is meant to break me.
I still believe that HE will use every situation to bring out the best of me, for me.
I still believe whatever HE allows is for the Best final end result and the process is not important.

Besides, they say that before a great blessing come pass, there will be trials..isnt it?

Frankly, my Christian journey is full of ups and downs. There are also a huge number of skeptics in my life, be it close friends or just friends…
I have people questioning my Faith, i have myself questioning my own Faith, i have people questioning my character and my thinking…

Sometimes it is tiring for me. I am a Christian and that doesnt mean i am perfect, it just means that i am so well aware that i am imperfect and thats why i humble myself and i allow God to work in me. I might fail now and then but i shouldnt be judged as if i am Jesus Christ Himself… Instead, i hope you can see what makes me better and who actually help me along the way. I am trying my best to be good but sometimes i fail, and i fail really hard. Do you know that my best is nothing compared to God’s? Thus i am trying to let God take over, it is easier said than done actually.

I always say i should stay happy no matter who say or does what to me. In this world, too many people are teaching you what to do and what not to do.

I have people telling me “hey you should do this and you shouldnt do that”, i have people saying that “how come u like urself so much that u have to post pictures of urself all the time?”, “how cme u look better in pictures?” , “how come you are not as rich as compared to others in your church?” “how come you still lose your temper, you are a Christian and you shouldnt be angry”, “how come u r not dating? u stay at home everyday, how to get a bf like that? you should go out more!”….. SERIOUSLY.

Worse, a hairstylist who is apparently my church friend even say that i shouldnt cut my hair short because i am not skinny.
Yes, i am not skinny, i am not super slim. I am voluptuous but i am Not fat. But in ignorant Asians’ eyes, a UK8 or 10 is already Darn fat.

So, why do these people care so much? Do they really care or do they just wana talk bad about you?

Look, why cant i upload pics of myself? I like to!

Look, why cant my pics look better than my real? I dont look that bad in real please, my pics are not photo shopped and i am not admitting that i use photoshop because i do not know how.
They are filtered like everyone else’s, i did make use of apps to make them look better by adjusting lightings & colors and i admit that i use a new software now  (on my android)  to make the skin look smoother, the chin sharper.
So? Every gal does  that too, so why are u faulting me?
I like what i see and i do not change the entire picture to be another person. You can still recognize me from the pictures isnt it? NO?

Look, why cant i have short hair just because i am not model-thin? So curvy gals should always have long hair to cover the face? I dont get it.

Look, why cant i be angry? It doesnt mean i am a robot with no feelings just because i am a Christian!?

The world is madness. People are not looking at themselves but they are looking at others and criticizing others.

It is easy to say “Ignore others, just do everything with conscience and with integrity and feel happy” but how many can actually do that and not feel affected?

It is really not easy to live with critical people and the world will really be better if people stop teaching others what to do.
But it wont happen so we have to always adjust ourselves. Sadly.

Well, i thought of dying so many times before. (of course my problems are more than what i typed up there lah. Obviously i wont want to die just because people’s critisize me of not being skinny right?!)
But honestly, if Dying is the solution, the whole world should be Dead long ago.

We are all waiting and anticipating that ray of light each and every day isnt it?

So, thats the life i am living. Everyday. I am not any better than any of you here. Just in case people think that i am living very well and happy and  thus i can post all the positive and happy posts. I did not reveal my sadness previously, but that doesnt mean i am not sad ok. I am sad.

But i guess i am learning to be happier, everyday.

🙂

I believe God will not shortchange me, maybe there is still hope in me. Haha.

Even if is 1% of hope. I hang on to it…I hope that you are hanging on to Hope too. For you will not know what tomorrow brings.

Ok, i dont know why it turns a little emotional now.. haha, so i better stop!

On a side note, i am loving my skin now. Havent been so perfect for quite sometime! Thanks to Hada LaBo!

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Ok, this is Confirmed non edited/ non filtered – bare skin under normal lightings.
Get that bottle of Hada Labo and try out now!

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Gf is complaining to me now over wechat, haha. I am blessed to have cute and awesome friends. Though not alot but i am thankful for real friends and a few of them is enough 🙂 And i miss the 4 babies of Gf!

I cant wait to go back to church, head out with gf, 7 and Gary soon, hurhur.

Today is Monday, arghh. 4 more days to weekend and i seriously cant wait. What makes the wait even more miserable and unbearable is my injured leg. Guess i overstretched it and i am kinda crippling now. I hope it gets better so that i can go jog soon 😦

IMG_20130420_1 IMG_20130418_1I am loving my new exercise gear in neon colors! 😀

IMG_20130420_18Mum and me eating infamous Tao Huey at Granny’s.

As i said, i have nothing much to update now so i shall stop here. Till e next post! God Bless.

Some Pictures (ok, is ALOT) of my Hair now, i love the Purple streaks (and some of them turned pink now)

I might get rid of them soon? Still deciding if i should do another color, so i better showcase them now. haha.

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Loves
ValliezLesley

Vdates – the broken one.mid Apr 2013

Hi.

I do not know what to say or how to start but i am gona do it before this blog turns into another dead piece of place.

First of all, i am better but i am obviously still hurting. This hurt has turned from something so raw to an inner hurt from within.

Imagine Pain from a raw wound to an internal pain in the bones kinda pain.

Yeap.

It is very painful but since i am still breathing, i guess i have to just bite on…

I was feeling so lethargic and i wonder why. Because i am not usually that tired (yes i am tired but not till this extent)… I woke up feeling super restless and really really sleepy. I wonder why. I slept earlier than usual (used to be 1am) and has been sleeping earlier at around 10+ or 11pm.

Yet, i am feeling super super drainned.

Frankly, i am quite worried.

I was reading around and i chance upon articles about Depression.

HERE.

I cant help feeling afraid because it is the symptoms i have been experiencing.

It is total sadness.

I once heard that, if you want to overcome your fear or depression, you have to face the reality that you are depressed or you have to come face to face and confront your fear (be it fear of height, fear of getting into another r/s and fear of whatever)

Yes, i know i am depressed emotionally but i did not expect myself to be depressed in the health, i did not expect myself to be mentally unhealthy- that’s what i mean.

And honestly, i find it hard to go home. I return home with a heavy heart and i hate to face the people at home. I dont hate the people but i just hate to face them.

Especially my sister. Life seems normal for her, she does not feel anything and yes, perhaps she shouldnt be feeling anything… Not that i hope that she is living in misery but it pricks me to see her so nonchalant and ignorant about the hurts she has brought.

In another words, she is trying hard to be a stranger in a family and thats not exactly something i ought to be happy about.

Returning home now is just like going back to a House to sleep, eat and bathe.

Right, that home i used to call home, is now a house to me. No love, No Warmth, Nothing.

Thats what she described when she was young and when there wasnt anyone with her in the family.

Ironically, now that everyone is around, trying to make things better (except that abusive Dad of mine, he isnt around anymore) and i feel even more lonely than ever. The House is now filled with people, but the loneliness is not any lesser, but worse.

I hope she is happy that i am getting this treatments, that i have to go through loneliness with more people in the family which she went through alone years back.

Yes, i am tasting the shit, i am also recalling how Dad used to abuse me and dote on you. Are you happy now that i am worse off than you?

Do you still feel that you are the only Victim in the family now?

I can assure you that i am going through Hell now, are you glad?

I have been praying to God for Grace and Forgiveness. I cant stand the fact that she is so blinded by her selfishness and she cant see the hurts she caused me. I do not know how to overcome now and i really pray that i can see her and look at her, her doings, in God’s way, through God’s eyes.

Because my own eyes failed and my heart for her failed and died.

This blog is started to spread Positive thinking and stuffs.

I did not imagine that it can be so hurtful and low, but i am sorry guys, i cant hold it inside me anymore. Suicidal thoughts are worse and everytime i think about what might happen after i am dead, i cant help thinking that it might be better if i am dead.

But looking at it, my mum would probably be so hurt and she wud have wasted all her efforts in bringing me up…

My friends might forget me, shrugs. I dont even dare to think of what my sister will feel.

1 of my favorite artiste suicides and he left the world feeling so upset for his departure from earth. – is that really what i want for my Mum?

Suicide is not a feasible solution, afterall? …….

I am also trying my best to be better and to recover… Trust me, i am doing my best…

Just to take a break from all these sadness (i am not emo. i am really very upset.  & i guess it is not hard to understand.i will never emo for things that are pointless)

Since the sister has decided to back out from the ‘plan’ we had initially, i have to start the journey alone, yes all by myself. It is not a bad thing but it is not really worth being happy.

In any way, i will have to continue the plan and not letting circumstances bring me down, right?

The Sister’s friend did told me that he is more concern about my family well being than my plan. I appreciated that thought but honestly, instead of holding on to something that is not within my control… i have to grab on to something which i can control isnt it?

Do i hv to lose everything before the whole Depression gets worse?

So thats that for my ‘plan’. Will share more when things are more firmed.

I got myself registered in the recent craze (not so much in Singapore but more of TW, HK and China). Weibo.

My account is so new and i honestly feel ashamed, terribly ashamed that i cant even navigate.

It is all in Chinese, not  that i cant read Chinese but honestly, to read everything in Chinese is really tedious and i feel giddy while doing  that.

Some of its instructions are so deep (to me) and i just want to give up using it.

It is like Twitter but much much harder (maybe language aside, the way it is constructed is really not very user friendly).

Ayte, i started it for fun, for stalking of Celebs (if i hv the time) so it doesnt matter.

If you r a weibo user, do add me up and perhaps you can guide me how to use!

My Weibo is at http://weibo.com/valliezfaith or you can find me at Valliez Lesley.

Not sure how to add friends even, dont ask me. Ha.

I went over to visit GF again and i frankly felt better though it is hurting inside me the whole while. But Cel and the 4 doggies did their part and their best to cheer me up.

We played and we had fun with our ‘mini project’ and we  drank the very not nice Champagne that i brought over. Chatted till dawn and i really like the time spent.

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perhaps one’s sadness can really be told through the eyes. they say i have sad eyes. WT!

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Thanks babies. 🙂 I really feel slightly better that night…

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Its been sometime!

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Random play
(lyrics seems legit now, for me)

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Then it is time for Church on Sat. I did not serve that particular Sat because i do not think i have the capacity to minister to hurting people when i am hurting and doubting. Perhaps i am still not vry mature in handling my own emotions and minister works. But i guess is better that i acknowledge it than forcing it through.

Well, someone went with me, though i appreciate that someone went with me but i am really not thankful that the whole thing bores him and the whole outing was like crap. Full of boredom and sadness. Like i say, i have no special feeling or yearning towards someone &/ or anyone right now.

Anyway, i do not need anyone to accommodate to me anymore, if it is not to your liking, then dont do it on account of me. In short, dont do anyting for me against ur liking.

Well, whatever.

The movie later on that Sat was TERRIBLY CRAPPY – the Exorcism part 2 or something. It deserves 0.5 star over 5 stars. I dont even know how i manage to give it 0.5 stars. It is the lousiest movie i watched in these 2 years i think. Please dont even try. Just wait for Fushion or wadever.

What really was the best on Sat was Pastor Kong’s Sermon on Saturday.

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It touches me as it really touches the raw wound i am having. As usual. I used to find it hard to hear from God during tough times but i have to be thankful that most of the time, when i am desperately hurt and in need, God still speaks to me.

That day, Church sang a worship song and i cant remember the title but there was this lyrics that goes: I am desperate for you (Jesus)

Honestly, life is not at its best but it has been great till this recent family sadness happened. I did not forget Jesus of course, before, during the incident. But i admit i was abit slacked off before this incident.

Also, whenever i help to minister to someone hurting, telling and assuring the person about God, days later i will be confronted by the Devil of the same doubts as that person whom i ministered to.

You might be thinking “then i really wont dare to help anyone anymore” I have that thinking too. But honestly, thank God and Holy Spirit, i can never bear to see some1 in pain so i will always help if i can, even if it means i will have to go through trials myself.

Anyway, i just want to say, no matter if i am going through trials because my leaders are going through trials or whether i wud go through trials because  i am doing God’s works…. I will bite on and not stop doing whats right because God’s favour will be on people who have a heart for Him and doing His works.

Yes, i am very very hurt and depressed still… but that doesnt mean God is unreal right? I believe He is still with me, probably He hasnt show up or show any solution yet but by Faith, i believe. Even Oxygen doesnt seem like it is  physically there, but i still breathe in Oxygen right?

Ok, continuing where i left off, after worship song, i realise that i really am desperate for Jesus now. It is human nature, when you are in trouble, you will then cry louder and yearn deeper for your Saviour. Right?

Pastor Kong went on to preach about Faith. It is a common topic for any Christian and honestly, if i did not go through the hurts i have in Family, i will probably sleep on this topic again. It seems like ‘Faith’ has been overly preached.
Probably this is the time i should receive Words abt Faith again.

I cant remember the whole sermon, and i used to think that is very bad. But i grew to realise and know that, you do not need to understand the whole sermon to be edified. Even if you only receive 1 point out of the many points, you have received the Word that you needed.

I remember Pastor Kong saying this (this has been said many times by different pastors before too but i guess i needed this reminder hard in the face) – The devil has came to steal, steal what? Steal your wealth? Steal your house? Steal your income? Steal your bf/gf? The devil can steal everything but everything else can be recovered, eg. income can be cut but you will never b jobless forever if you r willing to work.
There is one thing that is dangerous that the devil steal & this as it might not be recoverable  – your Faith.

My Faith was terribly shaken and i even blame God for not removing the label on me. The label of  ‘inferiority’ and ‘depression’. I questioned and i drifted away and i really feel a distance between Jesus and me. It was not until this sermon, which reminded me that Faith is something that bridges the distance between me and God. I am only far from God because my Faith is breaking and the bridge therefore is breaking..

My Faith is weak, it might not even be the size of a whole mustard seed, but i believe there is still a very tiny bit left and thus i am still around.

It is not easy to hang on, but it is also hard to  give up. 

Because who knows what is at the end of the tunnel?

What if that moment of success will come after the 20th time of failure and what if i am already already at my 20th time and the 21st time will be a success?

Pastor Kong went on to say about a woman who went to Pastor Cho bc of  her daughter. A daughter whom she nearly wanted dead because she is so terrible a person. The woman and her husband were feeling hopeless for the daughter.
Frankly, my sister isnt a very bad person, she is a sweet girl and i believe she is not one that wants me dead. At her age, i wasnt so concern about my family members too. Perhaps after some incident outside with my abusive and psychotic Ex, i realise that Family is still the best and i cherish my Family more than i used to.

Thus even though it is 2 different cases, but i find the relation way too similar, the way we feel hopeless (the woman and i ) about the family and the way we are disappointed with our kins.

Pastor Kong said that, for situation to change, we have to look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes. His perspective will never be bad, it will always be good. If we can look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes, things will change.

Frankly, i have never been able to look at my sister with Jesus’s eyes because His eyes is full of love and forgiveness. I am full of sadness and grievances for my Sister…

Thus i really pray that situation will change not by human nor actions but by Will of God.

Sidetrack from the sermon – After this incident, alot of people around me has been asking me to let go and Let God…even a co worker whom i do not see myself talking much to (not from the same company, more like a Marketing partner) will comfort me and pray for me, telling me that i should let go and Let God – (he doesnt know what happens thou)

I am rather thankful to Pastor Kong and my church, perhaps i am destined to be rooted here, to receive and to give. Even at this very minute, which Pastor has to face tremendous accusations and stress, he still manage to minister to broken souls and i am one of the broken souls… I am thankful to him, my church and of cos, God.

Here is a Video from the very anointed Pastor John Bevere to cheer us on during this crazy tough time 🙂 Click here.

Perhaps God really hasnt left me a bit, and i am still trying to find out more traits of God… Will you keep me in prayers?

Right, i have to go… and hopefully, the next time i am back, i will have better and happier stuffs to blog about…

My birthday is coming and i remember saying that i really love Birthdays but i did not expect things to turn out this way, even the Sister who once wanted to celebrate with me…is now not on talking terms with me…

Best Birthday present or what…

Upset, but i leave it all (emotions) to you, my Lord.

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Be Back soon,

Valliez Lesley

Tormented Soul

Its been a long week. The past 1 week was a torment to me. Totally.

I have to say, it is one of the worst moments ever since approximately 2 years ago.

My heart is extremely weary, my spirit is very very low.

I know i should not be speaking the negative but i cant help it.

This is the truth of what i am going through the past few days.

It may seem like i am exaggerating my pain but i rather say i am experiencing the excruciating accumulated hurts.

It was just not long ago, prolly 2 weeks ago, that i mentioned about ‘Depression is a Choice and not an uncontrollable Emotional State’

The way i see it now, my own words are biting back on me and chewing me off.

It was not  very long ago, i have been convincing my friend that no matter how helpless situation looks, God is with her, that God will never leave us and God has never left us.

But the words bite me back again.

I have me asking ” Is God really with you?”

“If God is with you, why isit the more you are trying your best, the worse it gets?”

“Are You sure that Jesus is real?”

All these questions are eating me up.

I have to admit i am Depressed, i am depressed with life, with stress, with the hurts and disappointment given by a closed one.

I have always wonder why certain Doctor couldnt cure themselves when they can perform miracles unto others. I wonder why there are depressed psychiatrists whom can cure others but not themselves.

I am not a Doc, but i can say i really do my part in reaching out to hurting people and re assuring them of how much they are loved and how things might be worse. I have taught people on being positive and live each day happily as it is because if life were to be miserable, we might as well vanish (die).

Die.

That’s a suicidal thought.

Yes, i have been through depression. But it doesnt mean i wont go through it again.

I have now acknowledged that Depression is not a choice. You cant choose to be “out of Depression”. You fall into it.

I have had suicidal thoughts because i feel life is hopeless when i met with disappointments and betrayals, hurts and mental torture.

But i have never wanted to end this life once and for all, so badly, not because i am angry, hurt not upset.

I wanted to end it just days ago because i feel Tired.

I am exhausted and restless.

And i wasnt talking about Physical Tiredness – those restless feeling you get after 10km of run kinda tiredness.

I found a blog that says exactly what kinda tiredness i am saying.

Tiredness Explained HERE.

I questioned why am i born in the first place.

I just want to sleep forever and rest my soul.

The weariness of each day is tearing me apart.

I put in my best, and so? What is so good about being my best?

There is no appreciation, there is only constant blaming and hurtful,spiteful words.

It makes me wonder, why do i want to be nice, why are the colleagues bullying me when i am nice? why is my sister turning into another stranger?

Why Why Why???

I have lost all faith and hope towards any person. I do not dare to yearn for a r/s with a Man. I totally have no wish to get involved.
So if you see this, i am Sorry.

I have tried to be my best at home and pinned all my yearnings/desires/love and hope in the family and i am screwed up.

I tried to put in effort in another aspect of my ‘Career’ and expect to achieve that dream but it seems more difficult than ever now.

I have tried to reach out to people but i realise the irony here is that i can help others but Not myself.

Pathetic.

I am just SO TIRED of everything.

It was terrible and i do not know what else can i say. It was hard for me to blog, hard for me to go online. It was hard for me to interact with people.

Yes, i had fun with my dearest gf Cel. But it was back to square 1 after the whole thing ended.

Even the gathering yesterday was a masked one. I wasnt happy but i am laughing my loudest.

Even going online on FB irks me.

Even tweeting on Twitter makes me sick.

Everything makes me extremely Sick.

Does anyone knows? I guess not. They are thinking – she is ok, she is alright, look she is having fun, she is posting pictures, she is playing games, she is liking other people’s statuses and pictures on FB, she is talking and laughing and taking pictures, she is jogging, she is still her.

Who really knows the real thing?

One mistake leads to another, i have no doubt about that at all.

First, it was the hurts at home, then it was the mistakes i made outside of home.

Its been ages since i last wanted to be in a decadent place, indulging old bad habits and doing things that will complicate my feelings, my life, another person’s life / feelings and whatnot. I am so not proud of the crap i did.

In every Aspect, i Fucked up.

Is this how a fallen person feel?

Hopeless, Full of Fear, Tearing non stop and Fearing non stop, no peace, no comfort, feeling empty and disappointed.

I can go on being like that or i can pick myself up and fight again.

But i am so tired to come up now. I just want to lie down flatly, doing nothing, feeling nothing.

Dont Give Up! – They said. It sounded easy and i said that million times.

I knew it wasnt easy but when i hear that from someone else, it Hurts….

I have been happy and joyful for so long until now… when will that joy be back i wonder… All i am thinking of now is ……

Yet, i have not throw in the towel.

Something struck me on Sat – Pastor Kong’s sermon.

Second thing struck me just last night – Sunday – Amazing Race with my Ministry Group & A sermon of Mary Magdalene.

They somehow suggested  that God is still watching me….still there with me…

God, Are You?

Where are you?

p/s more on the above incidents but allow me to be better. In the meantime, i need time for recovery and please keep me in prayers.

Miss You Much Leslie Cheung 10 years 1st April

Thank God for the uploads by your Fans.
Bits and pieces, here and there.
Although it is not a complete clip but people like us that did not even have the chance to watch a single second of the concert, are already thankful for the bits and pieces.
Still looking forward to seeing more.

Yesterday was a tough day for me and i do hope that today will pass quickly. It is terrible.
I have hated Aprils Fool day ever since..

les

Alright, my friends are worried because they feel i am obsessed but i guess i have a reason (many reasons infact).
I have never know or seen you in real, but your words, movies and songs have accompanied me through the tough times.
For a person who suffered from Depression previously, i am glad that i choose to live on.
I am also appreciative of how your case study became a wake up call for all judgmental individuals (towards Depression patients).

Also, for the more thorough experience HERE.

You are breathing in my memory, Leslie.

a little calmness after a little calamity of emotion ride

Hihi

My previous post was filled with extreme darkness. I was indeed feeling like crap last week.

Also, if you have not realize, even a Christian, even with God, you might still be feeling helpless and sad.

But deep inside you, you know that you wont fall nor die because the Creator of the Universe (that includes all emotions, things, and me) will never fail.

HE already knew what i was/ am thinking and up to, HE already knew my choices in different situations.
Even if i take a wrong pathway, it will not be wrong in His eyes as HE will plan everything for good.

It is human nature to have emotions, thus i have my own weak times too.

But i think, God is good. HE didnt let me stay in that area for too long and HE held my hand and walk me through with much patience.

Sometimes i feel very guilty. I love God, i wana be Christ like, but yet, i can lose my temper or patience. Yet, i stay unhappy with people.

Sometimes i feel i am expecting alot of myself, sometimes i feel i am just not trying hard enough to be kind, or kinder.

Example no. 1

You see, i was extremely pissed off when the wife of my buddy is rude.
It is no surprise that she is rude as her poor attitude is always there whenever we meet up. This isnt just my personal opinion of her but was agreed by all friends that hang out with her.

Can i judge? Do i judge? If i agree to it, am i already sinning? But if it is the truth that she is rude, it is the truth, how can that be judging?

Till the day they got married, i finally convinced myself to accept her like how i accepted my friend.

But, despite being the one giving in and wanting to make friends, she still behaves lik as if i should do this, like i should give in.

Firstly, i am angry as NOBODY is expected or obliged to be friendly to anybody. We behave nicely and talk to someone nicely not to expect anything in return but the least the other party can do, is to be polite and respectful.

Cases like this, do i judge or do i tell myself that i am kind, i love her anyways?

I do not want to lie to myself, i can never love her, not even liking her. But Jesus taught us to love our enemies?

Haha.

Look, being a Christian is easy. Anyone can go for baptism and anyone can declare that they are Christians. But being a God fearing and God loving Christian is very hard and i am STILL fighting my flesh to be one.

I struggled and am still struggling. Now, people will tell me – pray. I guess thats the only best way but Seven taught me something very useful too.

She said: If you are talking to this person nicely and he/she (in this case, my friend’s wife) ignore or behaves rudely, he/she is accountable to God and not you. Just do what you ought to.

Sounds easy? Yes very easy. But is not easy to let go just like that, is not easy. You may  say i am petty but is true that it is a struggle to bear with irritating people right?

Then God also say, In this world we will all have tribulations. Thus, challenges and irritating people are bound to be around, it was already confirmed in the Holy Bible. It is no surprising that these people exist.
So if is expected, why am i expecting all people to be nice?

Anyway, thats just an example of one of the frustrations i faced last week. It is NOT about the rude woman but about myself.
I find myself fighting hard against my flesh.

In case you dont get it and you dont understand what am i talking about above. I shall summarize it: if someone is rude to you despite you being nice, even if you are very sure she is rude, just let go n let God deal with her (or him). You do whats right for yourself.

(I did. and i removed that FB status of telling the world she is rude)

My stuggle is to stay positive and happy, doing whats right DESPITE what the world hits at me, DESPITE disappointments and DESPITE situations.

I fail terribly each time i am tested and it is SO difficult to not put emotions above everything. I need to remind myself constantly and i really need the Holy Spirit. > Satan talking

I am not only with you, i Live in you. Why would it be difficult? > Jesus talking

I realised that, to be closer to God, it also means behaving like Him.
For example, i rendered help to a lady (my mum’s colleague) yesterday.
This lady always critisize my church and my pastors and to be honest, i was offended and never like her.

However, she needed help badly and i struggled to help her.
I was thinking to myself ” since she say so much nasty stuffs about my church, why should i still be helping her? she wants help, she go elsewhere to beg then”

Then i realized, if Pastor Kong were to know of my thinking, he would be very disappointed.
As if thats not enough, if Jesus know (ok, i think HE already knew) about my thinking, HE would be VERY sad.

Thus, in the end, i managed to get the lady a wheelchair (with the help of Janet and Kelvin) and i sowed a seed! 😀

I didnt expect her to stop badmouthing my church (as thats not my primary motive of helping her) but she eventually did, which is quite expected but not only that, she let me pray for her, and i was given the chance to serve.
While buying food for her yesterday, something came to my mind “you gave me food when i needed food”.

Thats what Jesus said! He said that we are actually serving Him when we are serving His people.

At that point, i thought to myself, how can i be so kind at 1 moment and so mean at another moment? What kinda person or identity i want to have? you cant be both kind and mean at the same time! It is very tough being this and behaving that. Everyone has to choose 1 identity.
This also explain why some undercover cops suffer from depression as they do not know who they are anymore – the bad robber or the righteous policeman?

Even though it is not easy to forgive those wrongdoings of mine, those people that hurt me, those rude peope that (still) exist, i have to choose to let go. I do not know how to forgive, honestly, it is almost impossible for me. So, i give it to God and ask God to wash my heart and i submit to HIM, the people i hate, the wrongs i did.

Personally, it is very good for me to render help to needy as i will find myself to be stronger, emotionally and spiritually. As i am behaving more like Christ, i wouldnt have to fight n struggle (so hard) between being a robber & a policeman.

Ok, i talked briefly about how to handle disappointing people, and i guess God is testing me to the max. This colleague is PUSHING everything to me again when it is none of my business nor jobscope. Gossips are flying all around again. 

BREATHE IN AND OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are many things which bothered me last week. Some are too sensitive to be discussed over here but i have more to share. The next time, it will be how i turn to be the one disappointing others. (not proud but i bet every1 disapoints somebody in their life before, dont deny) ha.

Stay tune.

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