Hi and in a blink of eye, 2013 is half gone.
I really hated the fact how time flies without me realizing. During my youngER days, each day is a dread and i do not know how to get past those days.
When i was in Primary school, i hated school because i was a dork and i was being bullied regularly.
The 6 years were terrible and each day was a struggle to me.
When i was in Secondary school, i have to worry if my Discipline master will catch my tinted hair, my not very long school skirts and basically all the other disciplinary problems lah. Thus the years crawled slowly and i cant wait to get into the society and work. (totally regretted having that thinking)
During Poly and Private Schooling days, i cant remember what happened but it didnt seem fast either.
Then it was those few years of feeling lost, not knowing what work to do, what job to get, what to do with life before i turned abit more serious at around 25 yo.
Those days of being lost and ‘useless’ really passed by very very slowly.
Recently, i have more plannings, more commitments and goals, time seems to fly its way at the fastest speed and it is not enough even if i am given 48hrs a day.
Sorry for growing up at a slower pace and at a later age. I am not sure how mature are my readers, i am not sure who are you guys.
But do you also feel the same as me? Do you also feel that being committed and responsible for more things in life seems to make your days so short?
I only get to feel this way now because i really have alot of worries and things on mind, i really do not know how i manage to get pass each day in the past.
Anyway, back to vdates, my past week was TERRIBLE and i thank God it is over.
I dont even feel like starting but i guess i will have to.
Had another huge fight with my Family and this time round, it is MY FAULT. My sis said something unpleasant abt a relative and instead of being patient with her, i flared up and started to bang on things (tables,chairs, doors). Unbelievably mean of me.
I remember being very patient initially but i was just too outta control that night and i said nasty things and ran out of the hse in a fit of anger.
She was at fault for giving names to a relative and i m very glad she realised it already but i was worse because i swear and cursed and i screamed at my Mum and her. I said alot of nasty things and i poured all my bitterness out.
Sometimes, i wish my sis can do that, so that her bitterness towards me and Mum can be confronted and dealt with. But nope, she doesnt and in the end, i was the 1 who did that. Damn.
I thank God i have gf with me, when i said the most nasty words tt hurt my Mum, gf was there talking to her. I really thank God that Mum also builds up her Faith and tried praying during such times. In the past, she wud just blame God.
Now, she would tell me: do u think this is spiritual attack?
I was like WOW MUM!
Mum prepared this for my Lunch. Looks sickly but it taste very good – it is Chicken Breast.
Ok, i din intent to put all the blame on Satan that idiot, i have my part to play for giving in to temptation (of anger) but i thank God for His faithfulness. He reconciled us back together and this time round, it is quicker than usual.
I apologized to Mum and poor Mum has to suffer all my nonsense and talk nicely to me. I really love her alot, and i really am willing to do anything for her. She really show me what is selfless love. How can anyone love me so much besides Jesus?
I did not imagine i would apologize to my sister but i eventually did.
Honestly, as much as i hate to admit, i am a rather prideful person. I have no issues of admitting wrong and saying thanks – but thats only to people i am not very familiar with. To closer friends and family members, i tend to have that nasty pride problem that hold me back from saying Thanks and Sorry. I do not know why but i am THANKFUL that i am learning how to get that pride issue aside.
From this incident, something in me vindicated me badly. Something, a voice (if you wana call it a voice) in me KEEPS telling me i am wrong.
I have no choice but to approach my sis and apologize to her.
She surprised me though, she did not say much this time except for admitting her own mistakes (no defensive statements from her).
I then realized that actually Pride is like a heavy weight, it is extremely hard to handle as it stretches your muscles while holding them. But they are not that hard to let go, and once you let go, your muscles feel relaxed.
As of 3pm today, sis and i were chatting away like kids:
[2:51:54 PM] Valencia Lesley: hi MT
[2:51:56 PM] Valencia Lesley: i love u
[2:52:16 PM] MT Cheng: …
[2:52:23 PM] Valencia Lesley: y?
[2:52:30 PM] MT Cheng: lol
[2:52:30 PM] Valencia Lesley: i tink despite u being a XXXX sometimes
[2:52:31 PM] Valencia Lesley: i love u
[2:52:37 PM] Valencia Lesley: since young i bully u
[2:52:39 PM] MT Cheng: f off HAHA
[2:52:42 PM] Valencia Lesley: wen i teach u maths
[2:52:45 PM] Valencia Lesley: i not patient with u
[2:52:49 PM] Valencia Lesley: 1+1 = 2
[2:52:52 PM] MT Cheng: despite being XXXX. wth
[2:52:53 PM] Valencia Lesley: bt u were SO STUPID
[2:52:55 PM] Valencia Lesley: u say 3
[2:52:57 PM] MT Cheng: aiya still say
[2:53:00 PM] Valencia Lesley: then i ask again
[2:53:01 PM] MT Cheng: my maths not good.
[2:53:01 PM] Valencia Lesley: u say 4
[2:53:04 PM] Valencia Lesley: then u say 6
[2:53:09 PM] MT Cheng: SINCE WHEN I SAY that? HAHA
[2:53:09 PM] Valencia Lesley: i was lik WTF is wrong w u!??!
[2:53:12 PM] Valencia Lesley: 1+1 = 2 la?!??!?!
[2:53:18 PM] Valencia Lesley: wher the 4 6 3 come frm?
[2:53:33 PM] Valencia Lesley: HAHAAH bt i m ashamed tt i m so impatient with a small kid lik u
[2:53:35 PM] Valencia Lesley: so i am sorry
[2:53:36 PM] Valencia Lesley: i love u
[2:53:43 PM] Valencia Lesley: n u said tt
[2:53:50 PM] Valencia Lesley: bc i rem clearly i scolded u say u stupid
[2:53:55 PM] Valencia Lesley: althou really abit stupid
[2:54:02 PM] Valencia Lesley: bt u were jus a kid
[2:54:03 PM] Valencia Lesley: i m sorry
[2:54:13 PM] Valencia Lesley: n i noe u are capable of bigger things
[2:54:19 PM] Valencia Lesley: so u r nt stupid ok
[2:57:31 PM] MT Cheng: haiz.
[2:57:39 PM] MT Cheng: i know im born smart
[2:57:44 PM] Valencia Lesley: … not really.
[2:57:46 PM] MT Cheng: but my talents are hidden
[2:57:48 PM] MT Cheng: HAHHA
[2:57:48 PM] MT Cheng: u guys didnt know
[2:57:52 PM] Valencia Lesley: lol!
[2:57:54 PM] MT Cheng: till now
[2:57:54 PM] Valencia Lesley: omg.
[2:57:55 PM] MT Cheng: well
[2:57:55 PM] Valencia Lesley: hahahhahah
[2:57:57 PM] MT Cheng: not so late
[2:57:57 PM] Valencia Lesley: WADEVER
[2:57:58 PM] MT Cheng: LOL!
[2:58:02 PM] Valencia Lesley: i m gona post this
[2:58:04 PM] Valencia Lesley: shit u
[2:58:06 PM] MT Cheng: WTF
[2:58:10 PM] Valencia Lesley: 😉
[2:58:11 PM] MT Cheng: HAHA
[2:58:15 PM] MT Cheng: blackmail
[2:58:19 PM] MT Cheng: can sue u for that
[2:58:19 PM] MT Cheng: haha
I was very happy and i am still happy. We are now planning for our first Family trip for Mummy’s Birthie! 😀
I will most prolly be away for Aug for Mum’s birthie and the Project i have with gf. I pray for Open doors of Opportunities from God and i see how He guide me step by step, small steps and big steps. I believe He has a plan for me (and gf) so i believe we will do well. Praise the Lord!
Went to visit Gf at the MBS suite and she bought bubbles for me! So happy! 😀
Chris and her (and my Mum) say that i am like a kid.
Then, before May ends, i had an argument with Seven. I really do not think it is right to say it here but i also do not know if it is my fault.
I asked a few people about it and besides acknowledging tt i have a screwed up temper issue, the real problem here is not only my temper issue but a friendship issue.
Something is very wrong with the friendship.
Sometimes i feel that i am not being treated fairly in this friendship as her priority is no longer the friendship or something pure and fair. Her priority now is Gary, her beau, who happens to be a good friend of both of us too.
Hate to say this, i am not envy of her because after seeing what she is going through in this r/s, i really thank God i am single.
Not saying that she is suffering or whatever, that is not up to me to judge, but i am saying i wouldnt want to be in her position.
Hate to say this, i am not jealous at all but i do feel that the Seven i respect is now another person whom i might feel very …hard to find words.
I just feel that she changed and i can only say i am silly to expect from a human.
As much as she is very spiritual, kind, helpful and please-fill-up-the-list-with-all-the-good-virtue-pointers, she is still a human after all.
Why am i expecting her to be the same rational friend that held neutral stands that i once had?
I do not know what to do with the argument that we had, we basically did not talk after tt.
Knowing her well, she is not the least bothered because friendship, r/s, kinship and wadever ships to her are just secondary.
She told me she wouldnt even cry if someone close pass away. What do you think?
I know she is a rational person and some call her cold hearted. But i just thought it is not a problem for her to get over.
I did not tink of apologizing because i am still rather disturbed with what had happened. If doing something for me in the not so legal way is not possible, then why get me involved with the policy in the first place? Because even if i do not trouble Gary to help out, the whole thing is still Not legal.
So whether you get Gary to help me or not, you are still involving me in a NOT legal thing what. Why do you have to portray how righteous Gary is then? I mean, if he and you are so righteous, then why are you all doing the same not very legal thing for others?
I am not very sure about how insurance policies work thus you cant expect me to know everything. Is like, do you need to use the word “Fraud” on me, hello?
Ok thats so much i am revealing, i am not gona get anyone into trouble by saying more, if you are smart, you would have guessed it.
As for me, i understand that when one apologize, it doesnt always mean that one is wrong, it is sometime for the r/s.
But for this case, i really do not know what to do, apologize for my attitude perhaps? But not for her selfish thoughts for Gary before me. I understand he is her beau but i feel crappy inside me.
Would also like to say this, yes i admit i kinda expect everyone to behave like me and i am really trying my best to change this very BAD habit of mine. Of course, i cant expect everyone to be fair and not 重色轻友 (the 4 chinese characters means one that cares more for his or her beau so much to the extent of neglecting friends)
I have my moments of being sucha bad person before too. I was busy being depressed with my last Ex, and i neglected Regine (which also made her very bitter towards me even after so long. She recently confessed that to me. Yes, how nice to have family arguments, frenship problems all tog right?)
But honestly Regine, i hope you see this and think about it, i have helped you many times before which i hate to claim credits for those times, you helped me multiple times before too. But you do realize that you ‘abandoned‘ me for some guys before too right? You do realize that as much as Adrian was a real jerk, i was blind that time and i wanted to marry him and thus i was depressed like mad when he abused me and betrayed me during that time right? Y did you hate me so much for that 1 year of me abandoning you? I basically abandoned myself back then, dont you realize? SIGH.
I cant expect everyone to be as ‘tough’ & ‘cool’ as me, but u know how i cringe whenever Seven does the doll voice to coax Gary each time we are out. I mean, ok fine…couples like to do these lovey dovey things but i am not invisible, if you want to do all these, perhaps i shouldnt join the outing…right? It is really awkward for me.
I am a terrible person lah. I can only get along with certain people because these people accept me and i can accept them fully with no frustrations.
I wouldnt be like others bc i wouldnt find excuses to defend myself saying i am cool because i am who i am. I am indeed terrible, that i admit.
I know i have been told that the real problem is me because i cant get along with people.
I agree, sadly.
I am trying to accept people and i am learning but i am still not able to do it. I think i need time and His Grace.
While typing this, my colleague who lost 7kg from the Nuskin TRA programme, came and remarked on my diet sarcastically AGAIN.
She lost alot of weight and it is obvious, from 75, 76kg to 68kg now? Well i do not know if she lies about her weight but from her shape, i can tell she lost weight. Good for her but she has been pushing me to buy that TRA thing for the longest time even after i told her i have commitment issues as i am with the Gym now and i am saving up for stuffs.
I would love to try TRA, why not right? I wana slim down too. I gained like 10 kg in a year of stuffing everything into my mouth last year.
But i would love to know i work for what i want, i cant deny i have fallen in love with exercising – Cycling, Swimming, Stretching and etc.
She pities me CONSTANTLY and say i am very 可怜 (pitiful), but i do not feel i am suffering.
She dissed my exercise regime, i was like…wads wrong with exercising???? Yes i would try TRA if i can afford to (it is $2k over for 3mths)
BUT i would still exercise EVEN if i am doing through that TRA crap.
I thought i made myself very clear already.
She dissed my healthy fruits and salad diet because she can eat fried chicken chops and other fried food because she has that TRA thing.
But why cant i eat healthy instead? Besides slimming down, i would like to be healthy too what?!
All those pills and supplements makes one slim down in a rapid rate, if i say i do not want that, i am lying.
But i also treasure my workout times, i love to work out and tone my muscles, i love to eat healthy now.
Nothing wrong right?
Used to think tt 15mins on the cycling machine is crazy but i did 45mins ytd.
I honestly dont really care what you will say or dissed abt cycling because i have alot of people telling to me that it doesnt wrk if you wana slim down and etc
No doubt, i hope it works but if it doesnt, i will still love cycling. Just because you do not have the heart to cycle or cant put your lazy bum on that machine, just because you cant put in effort to exercise and you dissed me of the exercises i do… thats very mean.
Dont be surprise because there are alot of people like that around. They love to bring others down because they cant do it. They are hoping you are as lazy as them.
Dearie Mummy prepared apples for me for lunch. 3 small apples! Yummy.
So you see, here i am complaining about another person. Terrible right?
I know I know and I know. I know i should learn to accept people and see their Good besides their Flaws. Because i wouldnt want others to see my flaws only.
Just this Morning, i bumped into Alex – my churchmate and his wife. I said hi and smiled, the wife looked away as usual whereas he greeted me happily and asked me how am i.
You see, Alex is a wonderful man, he is humble and helpful to everyone. I wouldnt say the same of his Wife because she is from HK and many told me she has a different culture background. (LAME EXCUSE FOR HER RUDENESS I KNOW, i rolled my eyes when the people told me that too)
Basically, She chooses her friends carefully. (even her husband says that)
I do not know if it is a bad thing because frankly, you cant blame her as you see, i choose friends too. (read above and you know what are the people i really wouldnt like to be friends with)
But i do think that as much as you choose friends, you have to have Manners lah. People say hi to you, smile at you, but you glared and look away?
I might not be AS RICH as those that you see in church (whom you have to suck up to), i might not be as pretty as your expectation, i might not be wearing Pradas and LV, I might not be the most spiritual gal in the church.
BUT I HAVE NEVER OFFENDED YOU IN ANYWAY!? I EVEN OFFERED YOU DRINKS, I TRIED TO GET FOOD FOR YOU WHEN WE WERE DINNING TOGETHER, I TRIED TO BE NICE.
I am not what you expect me to be and you can Don’t Friend Me , but you have NO MANNERS.
Hongkong teach you to be like that meh? Or Jesus taught you that? (ok Jesus will never teach her that i am sure)
So my main point here is, i wana whine about people who irritated me for the past week. Nothing preachy. Just pure rantings.
Anyway, back to what i was saying, i was a terrrible person because my attitude to people depends on theirs to me. This is not totally wrong but it kinda reflects my low EQ. I cant help it. I am trying hard to change. I have no excuses for myself but i can tell you…it is NOT EASY.
God have Mercy on me.
It is Fri tomorrow and a new Month is coming. The upcoming months will be very challenging and i am glad i have my God, my family and gf with me. A BIG THANKS to gf for realizing my dream a bit faster for me, and she has been very supportive too. Love her.
I also wana thank Chris for ‘lending’ gf to me for this tough period. 🙂
I love Mummy and my Sis, i really pray that they can be healthy and safe 24/7. (Random but mean it)
Ok Anyway, the coming weeks i will be really busy so i thought i better blog today before i go MIA for sometime.
Someone asked if i will still be blogging more, i dont know man.It depends.If i am free and i feel like it, why not?
If i am lazy and all (hope you know that blogging is rather tedious. thank God i am just a normal blogger that blogs for i duno who.
Imagine the stress of the ‘famous bloggers’ of having to commit?? Meh)
Ok, i gtg. Good weekend everyone~ Till next post and God bless.
p/s: i hope you are not surprise by the exceptional huge amount of rantings in this post. I really feel i have to let out the steam. I really am trying my best to be good but i really do not know where else can i vent out. I am human but that is not an excuse for my errors i know. Pray for me?