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Posts tagged ‘hurt’

Tormented Soul

Its been a long week. The past 1 week was a torment to me. Totally.

I have to say, it is one of the worst moments ever since approximately 2 years ago.

My heart is extremely weary, my spirit is very very low.

I know i should not be speaking the negative but i cant help it.

This is the truth of what i am going through the past few days.

It may seem like i am exaggerating my pain but i rather say i am experiencing the excruciating accumulated hurts.

It was just not long ago, prolly 2 weeks ago, that i mentioned about ‘Depression is a Choice and not an uncontrollable Emotional State’

The way i see it now, my own words are biting back on me and chewing me off.

It was not  very long ago, i have been convincing my friend that no matter how helpless situation looks, God is with her, that God will never leave us and God has never left us.

But the words bite me back again.

I have me asking ” Is God really with you?”

“If God is with you, why isit the more you are trying your best, the worse it gets?”

“Are You sure that Jesus is real?”

All these questions are eating me up.

I have to admit i am Depressed, i am depressed with life, with stress, with the hurts and disappointment given by a closed one.

I have always wonder why certain Doctor couldnt cure themselves when they can perform miracles unto others. I wonder why there are depressed psychiatrists whom can cure others but not themselves.

I am not a Doc, but i can say i really do my part in reaching out to hurting people and re assuring them of how much they are loved and how things might be worse. I have taught people on being positive and live each day happily as it is because if life were to be miserable, we might as well vanish (die).

Die.

That’s a suicidal thought.

Yes, i have been through depression. But it doesnt mean i wont go through it again.

I have now acknowledged that Depression is not a choice. You cant choose to be “out of Depression”. You fall into it.

I have had suicidal thoughts because i feel life is hopeless when i met with disappointments and betrayals, hurts and mental torture.

But i have never wanted to end this life once and for all, so badly, not because i am angry, hurt not upset.

I wanted to end it just days ago because i feel Tired.

I am exhausted and restless.

And i wasnt talking about Physical Tiredness – those restless feeling you get after 10km of run kinda tiredness.

I found a blog that says exactly what kinda tiredness i am saying.

Tiredness Explained HERE.

I questioned why am i born in the first place.

I just want to sleep forever and rest my soul.

The weariness of each day is tearing me apart.

I put in my best, and so? What is so good about being my best?

There is no appreciation, there is only constant blaming and hurtful,spiteful words.

It makes me wonder, why do i want to be nice, why are the colleagues bullying me when i am nice? why is my sister turning into another stranger?

Why Why Why???

I have lost all faith and hope towards any person. I do not dare to yearn for a r/s with a Man. I totally have no wish to get involved.
So if you see this, i am Sorry.

I have tried to be my best at home and pinned all my yearnings/desires/love and hope in the family and i am screwed up.

I tried to put in effort in another aspect of my ‘Career’ and expect to achieve that dream but it seems more difficult than ever now.

I have tried to reach out to people but i realise the irony here is that i can help others but Not myself.

Pathetic.

I am just SO TIRED of everything.

It was terrible and i do not know what else can i say. It was hard for me to blog, hard for me to go online. It was hard for me to interact with people.

Yes, i had fun with my dearest gf Cel. But it was back to square 1 after the whole thing ended.

Even the gathering yesterday was a masked one. I wasnt happy but i am laughing my loudest.

Even going online on FB irks me.

Even tweeting on Twitter makes me sick.

Everything makes me extremely Sick.

Does anyone knows? I guess not. They are thinking – she is ok, she is alright, look she is having fun, she is posting pictures, she is playing games, she is liking other people’s statuses and pictures on FB, she is talking and laughing and taking pictures, she is jogging, she is still her.

Who really knows the real thing?

One mistake leads to another, i have no doubt about that at all.

First, it was the hurts at home, then it was the mistakes i made outside of home.

Its been ages since i last wanted to be in a decadent place, indulging old bad habits and doing things that will complicate my feelings, my life, another person’s life / feelings and whatnot. I am so not proud of the crap i did.

In every Aspect, i Fucked up.

Is this how a fallen person feel?

Hopeless, Full of Fear, Tearing non stop and Fearing non stop, no peace, no comfort, feeling empty and disappointed.

I can go on being like that or i can pick myself up and fight again.

But i am so tired to come up now. I just want to lie down flatly, doing nothing, feeling nothing.

Dont Give Up! – They said. It sounded easy and i said that million times.

I knew it wasnt easy but when i hear that from someone else, it Hurts….

I have been happy and joyful for so long until now… when will that joy be back i wonder… All i am thinking of now is ……

Yet, i have not throw in the towel.

Something struck me on Sat – Pastor Kong’s sermon.

Second thing struck me just last night – Sunday – Amazing Race with my Ministry Group & A sermon of Mary Magdalene.

They somehow suggested  that God is still watching me….still there with me…

God, Are You?

Where are you?

p/s more on the above incidents but allow me to be better. In the meantime, i need time for recovery and please keep me in prayers.

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To my Sister

I am extremely depressed and it is excruciating painful.

You reap what you sow, it s really true. Perhaps during the younger days, i have neglected someone close, perhaps beside being nasty to myself, i actually neglected the growth of someone.

Its been a decade or two, 20 years of resentment and bitterness that has built in this person, till every little thing-good or bad, appears to be superficial to her.

Because the underlying problem is deep.

That bitterness never goes and now, no matter who or what was said, she will take it as we are going against her.

When all we want is to let her realise what is the real problem.

I cant help feeling helpless and upset.

But what else can i do?

I even let go of my pride and talked nicely to her, i really do not know what else can i do for her.

I always believe that even a blind person can use his or her heart to feel the goodness and love people have for him or her.

Y isit that my love and kind intentions wasnt felt? Y isit that only my wrongs were seen and felt?

I guess i have to let go now.

I wish i can help by removing that prick from 20 years ago, but i wasnt given the chance. I am tired too, of being dis respected and un-trusted.

I am the elder but i am also a human, i have a mum above me to take care of and i have to guide you as i want you to lead a better life and walk a better path.

I am not blaming you, if there is anyone to blame, it will be me. I didnt do my part as a big sister for you since young. Thus no matter what i do now doesnt make up anyting.  But how long more is this war gona last?

We always wan instant peace and sweep al grievances under the carpet but look, the problem arises bi weekly or monthly, this peace is superficial, is unreal.

I wouldnt wana point fingers. The real root of the problem, besides my or mum’s incapability of expressions, it also has something to do with you and your heart as well?

I am not trying to assume, but if only you can take a step back and ask your heart, what and why do you feel so defensive whenver something is mentioned?

Why this wall causes you to seem lik you are seflish when you are merely just building up walls against us. You knew the reason why such walls were built dont you? You knew why you are defensive and resenting dont you? You knew why exactly you were unhappy and feeling redundant dont you? You knew about that prick in you dont you?

This is a problem. You knew it. But i am not saying You are the problem. But the problem indeed lives with you since young.
Of cos, i hope that you can accept that this problem exist in you, but if you dont, and you think that i am going against you, i really cant do anything.

Look, hw many times have you put down your pride to solve or salvage things between us? None.
Yet, i cant blame you because you are protecting yourself, again, the underlying problem started since young.

How many times can you stop saying it is no point talking? How many times you allow situations to spiral downwards? How many times do you tink by confiding in friends and bf helps? I am not assuming, i am asking you, do you ever use the above methods or said the above sentences to me?

How many  times i am willing to keep trying no matter how ‘pointless’ you think it is? How many times can i endure this? I know, i know what i insulted you, i know about my wrongs and whatever wrong you said of me, despite me disability to change, i have been trying hard to improve and perhaps is not the best for you but have you for once stand in my position and think in my perspective, or look at the picture from my view?

Nobody is blaming you, we just want to solve the problem slowly, talk about what is the grievances in you that causes you to feel so redundant and so ‘alone’ in the family, what is the resentment in you that you know it exist, that causes you to have a very awkward reply whenever we are advising you…whenever our intentions are good towards you. Why would you think otherwise of our intentions towards you?

What really causes all these? Isit really just our mistakes? Or are you willing to sit down and listen and talk tings out?
You have seen tv programmes, you knew a fair bit about human brains and psychology, by running away and keeping things under the carpet just by labelling “NO POINT”, do you think it helps us? or do you think it helps u? U will probably bring this to your next phase of life.

People only label a certain person “Useless” whenever they  want to see that person useless. People only want to label certain situation as “Pointless” when they really want to see that situation unchanged.

Do you really mean “No Point” when you label our kinship as “No Point” or do you think a r/s so precious should and need another n another n another chance instead of just putting a sticker “NO POINT” on top?

Well….

Tell me what else do you expect from me?

I have done my best and perhaps you done your part as well.

When something is accumulated too much for too long, i dont believe in instant solutions. All i ask from you is for your heart to soften and accept Mum and i. Not that i am Insisting and Insisting about what i said or my thoughts, I am trying to let you see the whole picture and talk to you and of  cos, i would love to hear  from you. I dont need to insist or want to insist if it doesnt mend the r/s between us. whats the point of insisting if i will lose my sister? Do you get me?

It will never be easy or even possible for you to sound out but before you label a person or a situation as “No Point”, i would hope  that you give it a chance after another.

If we fail this time, can we try another time?

Because we have given you labels when you were young, and we have not giv you any chance to prove yourself when you were young, because of all these mistakes, because we never know these are mistakes, because tts hw Mum n Dad label me too, and  thats how their parents label them too…and this mistakes continues. Now we know about this mistakes, now i have been teaching Mum not to label us… i am trying my best to make up… but it seems abit too late as u have in return- label us as “No Point”….But would you label this to your own kid if you have a kid?

Cmon, I am your sister. I deserves the respect but is ok if you have none for me because of whatever reason but at least see  that i am trying my best here rather than just letting go and letting you continue being unhappy and etc.

Cant you feel it?

Because the Truth set us free. And i believe the truth is not that you are selfish and you are stubborn…like i said, all these bad traits came from the underlying problem that is in you since young.

I am not any better, i have suffered too in my childhood and i believe you know. But while balancing my own unhappiness since young, i have to guide you, i have to balance yours and i hope to take out that prick in you.. i aint living any better….

I am not insisting what i am saying and i believe you have tons of unhappiness you are reluctant to reveal, but for yourself or for us, i hope one day, you can open up this can of worms in you…

You know that i am a prideful person. I am so prideful way before i know God and i am still prideful…But have you ever notice how pride less i was when i was with that ex bf of mine? I totally lose it.

After him, i promised myself i will never throw away my dignity ever for anyone. No1 is worth my pride. This is not exactly pride but self respect.
But for you, i have totally taken a bow, i have totally given in my own and throw in the towel of pride.

Thus i really do not understand in what way am i still going against you and in what way am i so wrong that i am so undeserving of a chance to salvage things. As much as shoutings doesnt help, keeping silent and letting the poison boils in you doesnt help either…

I believe no matter how you feel towards us, a part of you is aware how much we give in to you not because of anything but Love.

Like you say, you do not need anyone to give in to you but giving in is a form of Love which you might not be aware, but we are constantly doing.

If we want to give in, we shouldnt complain, this is what i told you about marriage, if you love a person, you give in without asking for returns.

It might seems like i want credit and i want you to recognise my giving…but i want to say, whatever you have done, i seen it, i feel it.

But at the same time, i hope you would understand  that giving in will not solve the problem…thats why i want to let u see the problem. You are not the problem, but whatever that tries to build up and lives in you, is the problem. It trigger you to take our words a tad too negatively.

But if the more i say, the wronger i  gets, i will just wait for the day  that  you can speak to me, and meanwhile you ought to know that the only people that will not dessert you is Mum and i. You knew it.

So….no matter how you feel, you know we are still there. The ball is in your court, if you would just accept the reality that every1 in the family has a fault to play, yes we are all wrong, but we should all try to make it right..then perhaps things will not be as “pointless” as it seems…

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