Its been a long week. The past 1 week was a torment to me. Totally.
I have to say, it is one of the worst moments ever since approximately 2 years ago.
My heart is extremely weary, my spirit is very very low.
I know i should not be speaking the negative but i cant help it.
This is the truth of what i am going through the past few days.
It may seem like i am exaggerating my pain but i rather say i am experiencing the excruciating accumulated hurts.
It was just not long ago, prolly 2 weeks ago, that i mentioned about ‘Depression is a Choice and not an uncontrollable Emotional State’
The way i see it now, my own words are biting back on me and chewing me off.
It was not very long ago, i have been convincing my friend that no matter how helpless situation looks, God is with her, that God will never leave us and God has never left us.
But the words bite me back again.
I have me asking ” Is God really with you?”
“If God is with you, why isit the more you are trying your best, the worse it gets?”
“Are You sure that Jesus is real?”
All these questions are eating me up.
I have to admit i am Depressed, i am depressed with life, with stress, with the hurts and disappointment given by a closed one.
I have always wonder why certain Doctor couldnt cure themselves when they can perform miracles unto others. I wonder why there are depressed psychiatrists whom can cure others but not themselves.
I am not a Doc, but i can say i really do my part in reaching out to hurting people and re assuring them of how much they are loved and how things might be worse. I have taught people on being positive and live each day happily as it is because if life were to be miserable, we might as well vanish (die).
That’s a suicidal thought.
Yes, i have been through depression. But it doesnt mean i wont go through it again.
I have now acknowledged that Depression is not a choice. You cant choose to be “out of Depression”. You fall into it.
I have had suicidal thoughts because i feel life is hopeless when i met with disappointments and betrayals, hurts and mental torture.
But i have never wanted to end this life once and for all, so badly, not because i am angry, hurt not upset.
I wanted to end it just days ago because i feel Tired.
I am exhausted and restless.
And i wasnt talking about Physical Tiredness – those restless feeling you get after 10km of run kinda tiredness.
I found a blog that says exactly what kinda tiredness i am saying.
Tiredness Explained HERE.
I questioned why am i born in the first place.
I just want to sleep forever and rest my soul.
The weariness of each day is tearing me apart.
I put in my best, and so? What is so good about being my best?
There is no appreciation, there is only constant blaming and hurtful,spiteful words.
It makes me wonder, why do i want to be nice, why are the colleagues bullying me when i am nice? why is my sister turning into another stranger?
Why Why Why???
I have lost all faith and hope towards any person. I do not dare to yearn for a r/s with a Man. I totally have no wish to get involved.
So if you see this, i am Sorry.
I have tried to be my best at home and pinned all my yearnings/desires/love and hope in the family and i am screwed up.
I tried to put in effort in another aspect of my ‘Career’ and expect to achieve that dream but it seems more difficult than ever now.
I have tried to reach out to people but i realise the irony here is that i can help others but Not myself.
I am just SO TIRED of everything.
It was terrible and i do not know what else can i say. It was hard for me to blog, hard for me to go online. It was hard for me to interact with people.
Yes, i had fun with my dearest gf Cel. But it was back to square 1 after the whole thing ended.
Even the gathering yesterday was a masked one. I wasnt happy but i am laughing my loudest.
Even going online on FB irks me.
Even tweeting on Twitter makes me sick.
Everything makes me extremely Sick.
Does anyone knows? I guess not. They are thinking – she is ok, she is alright, look she is having fun, she is posting pictures, she is playing games, she is liking other people’s statuses and pictures on FB, she is talking and laughing and taking pictures, she is jogging, she is still her.
Who really knows the real thing?
One mistake leads to another, i have no doubt about that at all.
First, it was the hurts at home, then it was the mistakes i made outside of home.
Its been ages since i last wanted to be in a decadent place, indulging old bad habits and doing things that will complicate my feelings, my life, another person’s life / feelings and whatnot. I am so not proud of the crap i did.
In every Aspect, i Fucked up.
Is this how a fallen person feel?
Hopeless, Full of Fear, Tearing non stop and Fearing non stop, no peace, no comfort, feeling empty and disappointed.
I can go on being like that or i can pick myself up and fight again.
But i am so tired to come up now. I just want to lie down flatly, doing nothing, feeling nothing.
Dont Give Up! – They said. It sounded easy and i said that million times.
I knew it wasnt easy but when i hear that from someone else, it Hurts….
I have been happy and joyful for so long until now… when will that joy be back i wonder… All i am thinking of now is ……
Yet, i have not throw in the towel.
Something struck me on Sat – Pastor Kong’s sermon.
Second thing struck me just last night – Sunday – Amazing Race with my Ministry Group & A sermon of Mary Magdalene.
They somehow suggested that God is still watching me….still there with me…
God, Are You?
Where are you?
p/s more on the above incidents but allow me to be better. In the meantime, i need time for recovery and please keep me in prayers.