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Posts tagged ‘positive thinking’

Vdates 3rd week April 2013

IMG_20130420_8Hi^

Its another week and i am seriously dreading the coming month. I have no mood to celebrate my Bday and i dont even like the idea of my Bday approaching that fast.

Totally hated it and am still dreading it. I know i shouldnt but i cant help it. My Bday seems to be shitty every year.

Anw, first and foremost, i feel so sorry for the loss of  one of the local actors. He passed away last Sat due to lymphoma cancer.
I am not a big fan of local entertainment/ mediacorp shows or ‘celebs’. Well i just watch wadever is on the tv since the tv is already on most of the time when i return home from work, daily.

But this actor can really act, and he does not possess that arrogant aura that most of the local celebs do. In other words, he is rather humble as he appears.

It is the loss of Singapore’s media scene.

hwy

Rip Mr Huang. You will be missed. 

Anyway, there are too many sad news recently. I guess the world is turning sadder day by day. Nobody want to read or hear about the news nowadays because it is filled with too much sadness and negative stuffs. What makes it worse is the ignorant comments coming from the netizens.

There are bombings, serious rape cases, stupid adultery scandals, natural disasters, wars and whatnot.

It is really depressing to read about the news now.

I have not much to update too.

I am not really happy but i aint that depressed now… it is getting better for me, i guess.

While i am still not very motivated for the plan i had but i know i have to face it someday unless i quit.

I am giving myself a break till May. Will officially get really busy when May comes. Time really flies isnt it. Before we knw it, it is already almost half a year of 2013.

😦

Anw, just to touch on the sermon of Mary Magdalene (i mentioned in my previous blogpost)..

I rem i was still in a very depressed state and i just suddenly decided to read some biblical material/ books. I do not usually like to read, i rather listen to sermons most of the time.
Thus i dont usually pick up those stack of books on my desk.

That particular night…i picked up 1 booklet sent by RBC Ministries .
Previously, Christina (my CG mate) registered for me and got them to send me materials regularly.
I was really guilty of not reading them because i am lazy… 😦

So anw, that night before i read the booklet, i actually said a short prayer and i mentioned “Jesus, i do not know if you are around. I know you are real, but i do doubt your existence whenever i am so depressed…i am guilty of that but if U are around, will you please give me a sign?”

Then i went to my bed, still tearing, holding a booklet by RBC – it is about Mary Magdalene.

I was reading by myself and my Mum came in.

She on her daily podcast (i seriously think God is very good to my Mum. She was playing with her radio on her hp previously and she just randomly chance upon this FM channel that gives sermons daily in mandarin) and she began to listen.
I do not usually listen to her podcast as it is in Mandarin, i am more used to listen to English ones but i do listen with her sometimes.
She might not understand what she is listening but she enjoys listening and sometimes she would ask me. I am so happy for her.

So that night, she came in with her podcast and i read my material…I never talk to anyone in the family after the fight with my sis, thus i just do my own stuff while she does hers.

As i was reading this in my mind in English “Jesus chased 7 demons out of Mary Magdalene and the name of this lady was mentioned in the bible for more than 12 times…”
Mum’s podcast was speaking the EXACT WORDS IN MANDARIN!!! OMG.

I was so shocked, i mean..what are the chances!??!

I dont usually listen to her podcast and i dont usually read the books sent by RBC…
But on that particular depressing night, after i made that tiny prayer… I actually experienced this very rare and weird, yet peaceful encounter!

 I do not know how to describe but it is very amazing. Some might tell me it is just coincidence but i really do not think it is so coincidental…Somehow, something in me tells me that Jesus gave me this sign that HE is there.

I feel peaceful and i fell asleep with Peace in me, for the 1st time after the fight broke out between Sis and me in the family.

As i type this now, i can still feel the goosebumps… Just imagine! Reading and listening the same thing altogether, in 2 different languages and coming from 2 different sources, in the same room.

It is very creepy haha but it is really very miraculous.

Praise my Lord for the little surprise 🙂

Anw, just fyi, after reading, i actually realise that alot of people including myself, mistaken Mary Magdalene as the prostitute, or the woman that committed adultery in the bible. She is actually NOT and there is no concrete evidence that she worked as a prostitute. 

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But i have to say, the devil isnt some1 that gives up easily too. I was disturbed in the morning, when i was praying, there is this constant voice (not literally in my ear but more like it is speaking in my head. I cant tell if it is psychological on my part but i noe the uneasy feeling in me) that ask me why am i praying and speaking to me telling me  that it is of no use even if i pray.

The feeling was very uneasy and i rem feeling very tired and angry…

I never stop praying though and i even play the worship Songs sang by Sun and i tried to keep myself calm while listening and praying at the same time.

The uneasy feeling only went away after a while…

For non believers, you might be skeptical because i would be too. Even the believers might find it hard to believe but all that i share here is true.
I just thought of sharing and hopefully this encourages you that God is always with you, no matter what you are going through.

It is hard for me because i realise that everytime i minister to people in need, or even when i am just assuring friends and readers in my blog that God is around us, something not so nice wud happen to me, and i know perfectly well that it is from the evil and NOT from God.

I know that my assurance will bite back at me each time but i believe my God is larger than the world’s problem, He will not leave me nor shortchange me.

As i am typing now, situation at home still did not change and it is as bad as it can be and thus i m not looking forward to my Bday. I always thought it will be nice to celebrate with my family, with fun and joy… but looking at it now, it most probably wont happen already.

But by Faith, i am still hoping for the best, even if it doesnt happen on my Bday this year, hopefully things will turn out better soon.

I still believe that God will turn every situation around that is meant to break me.
I still believe that HE will use every situation to bring out the best of me, for me.
I still believe whatever HE allows is for the Best final end result and the process is not important.

Besides, they say that before a great blessing come pass, there will be trials..isnt it?

Frankly, my Christian journey is full of ups and downs. There are also a huge number of skeptics in my life, be it close friends or just friends…
I have people questioning my Faith, i have myself questioning my own Faith, i have people questioning my character and my thinking…

Sometimes it is tiring for me. I am a Christian and that doesnt mean i am perfect, it just means that i am so well aware that i am imperfect and thats why i humble myself and i allow God to work in me. I might fail now and then but i shouldnt be judged as if i am Jesus Christ Himself… Instead, i hope you can see what makes me better and who actually help me along the way. I am trying my best to be good but sometimes i fail, and i fail really hard. Do you know that my best is nothing compared to God’s? Thus i am trying to let God take over, it is easier said than done actually.

I always say i should stay happy no matter who say or does what to me. In this world, too many people are teaching you what to do and what not to do.

I have people telling me “hey you should do this and you shouldnt do that”, i have people saying that “how come u like urself so much that u have to post pictures of urself all the time?”, “how cme u look better in pictures?” , “how come you are not as rich as compared to others in your church?” “how come you still lose your temper, you are a Christian and you shouldnt be angry”, “how come u r not dating? u stay at home everyday, how to get a bf like that? you should go out more!”….. SERIOUSLY.

Worse, a hairstylist who is apparently my church friend even say that i shouldnt cut my hair short because i am not skinny.
Yes, i am not skinny, i am not super slim. I am voluptuous but i am Not fat. But in ignorant Asians’ eyes, a UK8 or 10 is already Darn fat.

So, why do these people care so much? Do they really care or do they just wana talk bad about you?

Look, why cant i upload pics of myself? I like to!

Look, why cant my pics look better than my real? I dont look that bad in real please, my pics are not photo shopped and i am not admitting that i use photoshop because i do not know how.
They are filtered like everyone else’s, i did make use of apps to make them look better by adjusting lightings & colors and i admit that i use a new software now  (on my android)  to make the skin look smoother, the chin sharper.
So? Every gal does  that too, so why are u faulting me?
I like what i see and i do not change the entire picture to be another person. You can still recognize me from the pictures isnt it? NO?

Look, why cant i have short hair just because i am not model-thin? So curvy gals should always have long hair to cover the face? I dont get it.

Look, why cant i be angry? It doesnt mean i am a robot with no feelings just because i am a Christian!?

The world is madness. People are not looking at themselves but they are looking at others and criticizing others.

It is easy to say “Ignore others, just do everything with conscience and with integrity and feel happy” but how many can actually do that and not feel affected?

It is really not easy to live with critical people and the world will really be better if people stop teaching others what to do.
But it wont happen so we have to always adjust ourselves. Sadly.

Well, i thought of dying so many times before. (of course my problems are more than what i typed up there lah. Obviously i wont want to die just because people’s critisize me of not being skinny right?!)
But honestly, if Dying is the solution, the whole world should be Dead long ago.

We are all waiting and anticipating that ray of light each and every day isnt it?

So, thats the life i am living. Everyday. I am not any better than any of you here. Just in case people think that i am living very well and happy and  thus i can post all the positive and happy posts. I did not reveal my sadness previously, but that doesnt mean i am not sad ok. I am sad.

But i guess i am learning to be happier, everyday.

🙂

I believe God will not shortchange me, maybe there is still hope in me. Haha.

Even if is 1% of hope. I hang on to it…I hope that you are hanging on to Hope too. For you will not know what tomorrow brings.

Ok, i dont know why it turns a little emotional now.. haha, so i better stop!

On a side note, i am loving my skin now. Havent been so perfect for quite sometime! Thanks to Hada LaBo!

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Ok, this is Confirmed non edited/ non filtered – bare skin under normal lightings.
Get that bottle of Hada Labo and try out now!

IMG_20130421_1This is obviously filtered.

Gf is complaining to me now over wechat, haha. I am blessed to have cute and awesome friends. Though not alot but i am thankful for real friends and a few of them is enough 🙂 And i miss the 4 babies of Gf!

I cant wait to go back to church, head out with gf, 7 and Gary soon, hurhur.

Today is Monday, arghh. 4 more days to weekend and i seriously cant wait. What makes the wait even more miserable and unbearable is my injured leg. Guess i overstretched it and i am kinda crippling now. I hope it gets better so that i can go jog soon 😦

IMG_20130420_1 IMG_20130418_1I am loving my new exercise gear in neon colors! 😀

IMG_20130420_18Mum and me eating infamous Tao Huey at Granny’s.

As i said, i have nothing much to update now so i shall stop here. Till e next post! God Bless.

Some Pictures (ok, is ALOT) of my Hair now, i love the Purple streaks (and some of them turned pink now)

I might get rid of them soon? Still deciding if i should do another color, so i better showcase them now. haha.

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Loves
ValliezLesley

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a little calmness after a little calamity of emotion ride

Hihi

My previous post was filled with extreme darkness. I was indeed feeling like crap last week.

Also, if you have not realize, even a Christian, even with God, you might still be feeling helpless and sad.

But deep inside you, you know that you wont fall nor die because the Creator of the Universe (that includes all emotions, things, and me) will never fail.

HE already knew what i was/ am thinking and up to, HE already knew my choices in different situations.
Even if i take a wrong pathway, it will not be wrong in His eyes as HE will plan everything for good.

It is human nature to have emotions, thus i have my own weak times too.

But i think, God is good. HE didnt let me stay in that area for too long and HE held my hand and walk me through with much patience.

Sometimes i feel very guilty. I love God, i wana be Christ like, but yet, i can lose my temper or patience. Yet, i stay unhappy with people.

Sometimes i feel i am expecting alot of myself, sometimes i feel i am just not trying hard enough to be kind, or kinder.

Example no. 1

You see, i was extremely pissed off when the wife of my buddy is rude.
It is no surprise that she is rude as her poor attitude is always there whenever we meet up. This isnt just my personal opinion of her but was agreed by all friends that hang out with her.

Can i judge? Do i judge? If i agree to it, am i already sinning? But if it is the truth that she is rude, it is the truth, how can that be judging?

Till the day they got married, i finally convinced myself to accept her like how i accepted my friend.

But, despite being the one giving in and wanting to make friends, she still behaves lik as if i should do this, like i should give in.

Firstly, i am angry as NOBODY is expected or obliged to be friendly to anybody. We behave nicely and talk to someone nicely not to expect anything in return but the least the other party can do, is to be polite and respectful.

Cases like this, do i judge or do i tell myself that i am kind, i love her anyways?

I do not want to lie to myself, i can never love her, not even liking her. But Jesus taught us to love our enemies?

Haha.

Look, being a Christian is easy. Anyone can go for baptism and anyone can declare that they are Christians. But being a God fearing and God loving Christian is very hard and i am STILL fighting my flesh to be one.

I struggled and am still struggling. Now, people will tell me – pray. I guess thats the only best way but Seven taught me something very useful too.

She said: If you are talking to this person nicely and he/she (in this case, my friend’s wife) ignore or behaves rudely, he/she is accountable to God and not you. Just do what you ought to.

Sounds easy? Yes very easy. But is not easy to let go just like that, is not easy. You may  say i am petty but is true that it is a struggle to bear with irritating people right?

Then God also say, In this world we will all have tribulations. Thus, challenges and irritating people are bound to be around, it was already confirmed in the Holy Bible. It is no surprising that these people exist.
So if is expected, why am i expecting all people to be nice?

Anyway, thats just an example of one of the frustrations i faced last week. It is NOT about the rude woman but about myself.
I find myself fighting hard against my flesh.

In case you dont get it and you dont understand what am i talking about above. I shall summarize it: if someone is rude to you despite you being nice, even if you are very sure she is rude, just let go n let God deal with her (or him). You do whats right for yourself.

(I did. and i removed that FB status of telling the world she is rude)

My stuggle is to stay positive and happy, doing whats right DESPITE what the world hits at me, DESPITE disappointments and DESPITE situations.

I fail terribly each time i am tested and it is SO difficult to not put emotions above everything. I need to remind myself constantly and i really need the Holy Spirit. > Satan talking

I am not only with you, i Live in you. Why would it be difficult? > Jesus talking

I realised that, to be closer to God, it also means behaving like Him.
For example, i rendered help to a lady (my mum’s colleague) yesterday.
This lady always critisize my church and my pastors and to be honest, i was offended and never like her.

However, she needed help badly and i struggled to help her.
I was thinking to myself ” since she say so much nasty stuffs about my church, why should i still be helping her? she wants help, she go elsewhere to beg then”

Then i realized, if Pastor Kong were to know of my thinking, he would be very disappointed.
As if thats not enough, if Jesus know (ok, i think HE already knew) about my thinking, HE would be VERY sad.

Thus, in the end, i managed to get the lady a wheelchair (with the help of Janet and Kelvin) and i sowed a seed! 😀

I didnt expect her to stop badmouthing my church (as thats not my primary motive of helping her) but she eventually did, which is quite expected but not only that, she let me pray for her, and i was given the chance to serve.
While buying food for her yesterday, something came to my mind “you gave me food when i needed food”.

Thats what Jesus said! He said that we are actually serving Him when we are serving His people.

At that point, i thought to myself, how can i be so kind at 1 moment and so mean at another moment? What kinda person or identity i want to have? you cant be both kind and mean at the same time! It is very tough being this and behaving that. Everyone has to choose 1 identity.
This also explain why some undercover cops suffer from depression as they do not know who they are anymore – the bad robber or the righteous policeman?

Even though it is not easy to forgive those wrongdoings of mine, those people that hurt me, those rude peope that (still) exist, i have to choose to let go. I do not know how to forgive, honestly, it is almost impossible for me. So, i give it to God and ask God to wash my heart and i submit to HIM, the people i hate, the wrongs i did.

Personally, it is very good for me to render help to needy as i will find myself to be stronger, emotionally and spiritually. As i am behaving more like Christ, i wouldnt have to fight n struggle (so hard) between being a robber & a policeman.

Ok, i talked briefly about how to handle disappointing people, and i guess God is testing me to the max. This colleague is PUSHING everything to me again when it is none of my business nor jobscope. Gossips are flying all around again. 

BREATHE IN AND OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are many things which bothered me last week. Some are too sensitive to be discussed over here but i have more to share. The next time, it will be how i turn to be the one disappointing others. (not proud but i bet every1 disapoints somebody in their life before, dont deny) ha.

Stay tune.

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