I do not know what to say or how to start but i am gona do it before this blog turns into another dead piece of place.
First of all, i am better but i am obviously still hurting. This hurt has turned from something so raw to an inner hurt from within.
Imagine Pain from a raw wound to an internal pain in the bones kinda pain.
It is very painful but since i am still breathing, i guess i have to just bite on…
I was feeling so lethargic and i wonder why. Because i am not usually that tired (yes i am tired but not till this extent)… I woke up feeling super restless and really really sleepy. I wonder why. I slept earlier than usual (used to be 1am) and has been sleeping earlier at around 10+ or 11pm.
Yet, i am feeling super super drainned.
Frankly, i am quite worried.
I was reading around and i chance upon articles about Depression.
I cant help feeling afraid because it is the symptoms i have been experiencing.
It is total sadness.
I once heard that, if you want to overcome your fear or depression, you have to face the reality that you are depressed or you have to come face to face and confront your fear (be it fear of height, fear of getting into another r/s and fear of whatever)
Yes, i know i am depressed emotionally but i did not expect myself to be depressed in the health, i did not expect myself to be mentally unhealthy- that’s what i mean.
And honestly, i find it hard to go home. I return home with a heavy heart and i hate to face the people at home. I dont hate the people but i just hate to face them.
Especially my sister. Life seems normal for her, she does not feel anything and yes, perhaps she shouldnt be feeling anything… Not that i hope that she is living in misery but it pricks me to see her so nonchalant and ignorant about the hurts she has brought.
In another words, she is trying hard to be a stranger in a family and thats not exactly something i ought to be happy about.
Returning home now is just like going back to a House to sleep, eat and bathe.
Right, that home i used to call home, is now a house to me. No love, No Warmth, Nothing.
Thats what she described when she was young and when there wasnt anyone with her in the family.
Ironically, now that everyone is around, trying to make things better (except that abusive Dad of mine, he isnt around anymore) and i feel even more lonely than ever. The House is now filled with people, but the loneliness is not any lesser, but worse.
I hope she is happy that i am getting this treatments, that i have to go through loneliness with more people in the family which she went through alone years back.
Yes, i am tasting the shit, i am also recalling how Dad used to abuse me and dote on you. Are you happy now that i am worse off than you?
Do you still feel that you are the only Victim in the family now?
I can assure you that i am going through Hell now, are you glad?
I have been praying to God for Grace and Forgiveness. I cant stand the fact that she is so blinded by her selfishness and she cant see the hurts she caused me. I do not know how to overcome now and i really pray that i can see her and look at her, her doings, in God’s way, through God’s eyes.
Because my own eyes failed and my heart for her failed and died.
This blog is started to spread Positive thinking and stuffs.
I did not imagine that it can be so hurtful and low, but i am sorry guys, i cant hold it inside me anymore. Suicidal thoughts are worse and everytime i think about what might happen after i am dead, i cant help thinking that it might be better if i am dead.
But looking at it, my mum would probably be so hurt and she wud have wasted all her efforts in bringing me up…
My friends might forget me, shrugs. I dont even dare to think of what my sister will feel.
1 of my favorite artiste suicides and he left the world feeling so upset for his departure from earth. – is that really what i want for my Mum?
Suicide is not a feasible solution, afterall? …….
I am also trying my best to be better and to recover… Trust me, i am doing my best…
Just to take a break from all these sadness (i am not emo. i am really very upset. & i guess it is not hard to understand.i will never emo for things that are pointless)
Since the sister has decided to back out from the ‘plan’ we had initially, i have to start the journey alone, yes all by myself. It is not a bad thing but it is not really worth being happy.
In any way, i will have to continue the plan and not letting circumstances bring me down, right?
The Sister’s friend did told me that he is more concern about my family well being than my plan. I appreciated that thought but honestly, instead of holding on to something that is not within my control… i have to grab on to something which i can control isnt it?
Do i hv to lose everything before the whole Depression gets worse?
So thats that for my ‘plan’. Will share more when things are more firmed.
I got myself registered in the recent craze (not so much in Singapore but more of TW, HK and China). Weibo.
My account is so new and i honestly feel ashamed, terribly ashamed that i cant even navigate.
It is all in Chinese, not that i cant read Chinese but honestly, to read everything in Chinese is really tedious and i feel giddy while doing that.
Some of its instructions are so deep (to me) and i just want to give up using it.
It is like Twitter but much much harder (maybe language aside, the way it is constructed is really not very user friendly).
Ayte, i started it for fun, for stalking of Celebs (if i hv the time) so it doesnt matter.
If you r a weibo user, do add me up and perhaps you can guide me how to use!
My Weibo is at http://weibo.com/valliezfaith or you can find me at Valliez Lesley.
Not sure how to add friends even, dont ask me. Ha.
I went over to visit GF again and i frankly felt better though it is hurting inside me the whole while. But Cel and the 4 doggies did their part and their best to cheer me up.
We played and we had fun with our ‘mini project’ and we drank the very not nice Champagne that i brought over. Chatted till dawn and i really like the time spent.
perhaps one’s sadness can really be told through the eyes. they say i have sad eyes. WT!
Thanks babies. 🙂 I really feel slightly better that night…
Its been sometime!
(lyrics seems legit now, for me)
Then it is time for Church on Sat. I did not serve that particular Sat because i do not think i have the capacity to minister to hurting people when i am hurting and doubting. Perhaps i am still not vry mature in handling my own emotions and minister works. But i guess is better that i acknowledge it than forcing it through.
Well, someone went with me, though i appreciate that someone went with me but i am really not thankful that the whole thing bores him and the whole outing was like crap. Full of boredom and sadness. Like i say, i have no special feeling or yearning towards someone &/ or anyone right now.
Anyway, i do not need anyone to accommodate to me anymore, if it is not to your liking, then dont do it on account of me. In short, dont do anyting for me against ur liking.
The movie later on that Sat was TERRIBLY CRAPPY – the Exorcism part 2 or something. It deserves 0.5 star over 5 stars. I dont even know how i manage to give it 0.5 stars. It is the lousiest movie i watched in these 2 years i think. Please dont even try. Just wait for Fushion or wadever.
What really was the best on Sat was Pastor Kong’s Sermon on Saturday.
It touches me as it really touches the raw wound i am having. As usual. I used to find it hard to hear from God during tough times but i have to be thankful that most of the time, when i am desperately hurt and in need, God still speaks to me.
That day, Church sang a worship song and i cant remember the title but there was this lyrics that goes: I am desperate for you (Jesus)
Honestly, life is not at its best but it has been great till this recent family sadness happened. I did not forget Jesus of course, before, during the incident. But i admit i was abit slacked off before this incident.
Also, whenever i help to minister to someone hurting, telling and assuring the person about God, days later i will be confronted by the Devil of the same doubts as that person whom i ministered to.
You might be thinking “then i really wont dare to help anyone anymore” I have that thinking too. But honestly, thank God and Holy Spirit, i can never bear to see some1 in pain so i will always help if i can, even if it means i will have to go through trials myself.
Anyway, i just want to say, no matter if i am going through trials because my leaders are going through trials or whether i wud go through trials because i am doing God’s works…. I will bite on and not stop doing whats right because God’s favour will be on people who have a heart for Him and doing His works.
Yes, i am very very hurt and depressed still… but that doesnt mean God is unreal right? I believe He is still with me, probably He hasnt show up or show any solution yet but by Faith, i believe. Even Oxygen doesnt seem like it is physically there, but i still breathe in Oxygen right?
Ok, continuing where i left off, after worship song, i realise that i really am desperate for Jesus now. It is human nature, when you are in trouble, you will then cry louder and yearn deeper for your Saviour. Right?
Pastor Kong went on to preach about Faith. It is a common topic for any Christian and honestly, if i did not go through the hurts i have in Family, i will probably sleep on this topic again. It seems like ‘Faith’ has been overly preached.
Probably this is the time i should receive Words abt Faith again.
I cant remember the whole sermon, and i used to think that is very bad. But i grew to realise and know that, you do not need to understand the whole sermon to be edified. Even if you only receive 1 point out of the many points, you have received the Word that you needed.
I remember Pastor Kong saying this (this has been said many times by different pastors before too but i guess i needed this reminder hard in the face) – The devil has came to steal, steal what? Steal your wealth? Steal your house? Steal your income? Steal your bf/gf? The devil can steal everything but everything else can be recovered, eg. income can be cut but you will never b jobless forever if you r willing to work.
There is one thing that is dangerous that the devil steal & this as it might not be recoverable – your Faith.
My Faith was terribly shaken and i even blame God for not removing the label on me. The label of ‘inferiority’ and ‘depression’. I questioned and i drifted away and i really feel a distance between Jesus and me. It was not until this sermon, which reminded me that Faith is something that bridges the distance between me and God. I am only far from God because my Faith is breaking and the bridge therefore is breaking..
My Faith is weak, it might not even be the size of a whole mustard seed, but i believe there is still a very tiny bit left and thus i am still around.
It is not easy to hang on, but it is also hard to give up.
Because who knows what is at the end of the tunnel?
What if that moment of success will come after the 20th time of failure and what if i am already already at my 20th time and the 21st time will be a success?
Pastor Kong went on to say about a woman who went to Pastor Cho bc of her daughter. A daughter whom she nearly wanted dead because she is so terrible a person. The woman and her husband were feeling hopeless for the daughter.
Frankly, my sister isnt a very bad person, she is a sweet girl and i believe she is not one that wants me dead. At her age, i wasnt so concern about my family members too. Perhaps after some incident outside with my abusive and psychotic Ex, i realise that Family is still the best and i cherish my Family more than i used to.
Thus even though it is 2 different cases, but i find the relation way too similar, the way we feel hopeless (the woman and i ) about the family and the way we are disappointed with our kins.
Pastor Kong said that, for situation to change, we have to look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes. His perspective will never be bad, it will always be good. If we can look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes, things will change.
Frankly, i have never been able to look at my sister with Jesus’s eyes because His eyes is full of love and forgiveness. I am full of sadness and grievances for my Sister…
Thus i really pray that situation will change not by human nor actions but by Will of God.
Sidetrack from the sermon – After this incident, alot of people around me has been asking me to let go and Let God…even a co worker whom i do not see myself talking much to (not from the same company, more like a Marketing partner) will comfort me and pray for me, telling me that i should let go and Let God – (he doesnt know what happens thou)
I am rather thankful to Pastor Kong and my church, perhaps i am destined to be rooted here, to receive and to give. Even at this very minute, which Pastor has to face tremendous accusations and stress, he still manage to minister to broken souls and i am one of the broken souls… I am thankful to him, my church and of cos, God.
Here is a Video from the very anointed Pastor John Bevere to cheer us on during this crazy tough time 🙂 Click here.
Perhaps God really hasnt left me a bit, and i am still trying to find out more traits of God… Will you keep me in prayers?
Right, i have to go… and hopefully, the next time i am back, i will have better and happier stuffs to blog about…
My birthday is coming and i remember saying that i really love Birthdays but i did not expect things to turn out this way, even the Sister who once wanted to celebrate with me…is now not on talking terms with me…
Best Birthday present or what…
Upset, but i leave it all (emotions) to you, my Lord.
Be Back soon,