Hi, this post is long overdue. I once said i wanted to write something about Love. Remember?
Well, i am no expert in Love, all kinds of Love. I am really not the best person to talk about Love. But i just wish to type out some teachings i received on Love, some views i had and have now.
I had quite a number of failed relationship experiences, i used to let people down in my teenage and maybe it is Karma, people let me down after i am a better person.
I do not know how to express my love for my family till very recently and i am not very patient towards them. I am still trying to improve with God’s grace!
I only love friends who are really loyal and treasure the friendship, for ‘friends’ who can only share happy times and not tough times, i cant manage to love them. Sadly.
There is some1 who can do all of the above easily though and He is Jesus.
The Greatest love of all has to be Jesus. The Greatest love of lying down own’s life.
I think, at the present stage, i can only lay my life for my mum with no condition, or my sister? I am not sure, i aint in the situation now so i wouldnt know. Despite my love and faith towards God, i still do not have the courage to say that i would die for Him.
Ok, anyway, back to the topic of Love.
I would like to talk about Romance, Love between 2 person who got attracted to each other, who want to commit to each other- Forever?
How do i start…. it is very profound to me. hmm.. ok anyway, i will try my best:
Firstly, i do not really believe in love at first sight. I do like alot of people at first sight but thats just a kinda physical attraction. Right, LOVE is much more than just 4 letters, thus i never believe in Love at first sight, but rather, Lust or Attraction.
There are people whom you develop crushes on and after much understanding and more hang outs, you realise that, it is merely the appearance that attracts and nothing about the character, there is no chemistry left to motivate progression.
These are just passer bys that might or might not stay as friends.
But, for those dates that might turn into something more serious, like a relationship, thats the point which a person might or might not lose his or her sanity.
They say, Love is blind, Love is insane. I bet to differ, Love is not insane, it is not blind, But Love does make 1 irrational at times, most of the time. ( i touch on what exatly is Love at a later part of this entry)
You see, i will tell myself everytime, that i would do this, i would not tolerate that, i would not do this and i would etc etc etc whenever i am single.
But when i am in a relationship, i give my 100% or more, and i forgot that i told myself to give just 50% because they say the person who gives the least will not suffer as much as the one who give all.
I guess, it is the same for everyone who is in love. No 1 is sparred. No 1 reserves any % of love when it comes to a serious relationship, if there is anyone who would reserve any part, then i do not think the person is really in love. Real Love is not like that, at least thats what i am taught?
The Attraction Stage (Courtship)
Look, when both person first get together, it is exciting, it is romantic, it is sweet, everything is new, the world seems to be brighter, the colors of anything or everything seem to be more vibrant. It is normal, some call it the honeymoon period.
At this stage, normally, we tend to hide our true selves to portray the almost perfect image, thus, not much quarrels, just alot of giving. More efforts put in to conceal flaws of characters in this stage.
The Comfort Zone (The real thing)
The real test is when the relationship reaches a stage of comfort, when the couple is so comfortable with each other. They start to reveal their true colors, they start to put in more effort to control/possess/express real feelings rather than effort to make things better. This is the stage of expectations (REAL expectations), the stage of make or break. Some stay on because they really want to work things out, some walk away because they fear the real commitment. It is also at this stage, that people start to think and analyse if their r/s are really working out, if they want to make it work.
The Next Last Stage (The next stage of life)
At this stage, New beginnings have different meanings. It is either Marriage, which is a new journey in life, or ..another break up.
We cannot judge how long people usually take to reach this point, some take months while others might take years. Whatever it is, it is not easy to come to this stage. Whether it is tying the knot or ending the r/s, it takes alot to walk till this stage because one can easily end it at the previous stage.
If there is not much problem in the r/s, the couple would probably choose marriage at this stage. However, some people actually choose to disappoint at this stage, they either drag marriage or dread marriage. The ultimate fear is commitment, and self-sacrifice, in short, i call them selfish.
Ironically, i can totally understand the fear, i have that fear too. All the time.
Marriage is not just a cert, not just a ceremony. At least not to me.
Marriage is sacred, is joining of 2 spirits into 1 and it is a lifetime commitment. A vow made is more than just a promise, promises can be broken ALL the time. A vow is a vow, if a vow is like a promise, then we wouldnt call it vow but just a promise made before marriage. A vow like “till death do us part’ has that significant meaning of, literally, only physical death shall part the both of u.
Why do people have fear towards commitment?
Though most of the time, people can’t resist temptations, some will still walk away from distractions and temptations.
But a large number of people fear commitment because they fear that they cant be loyal to the one they love, Forever.
Another kinda ‘coward’ would be someone like me.
I ask myself: can i really maintain my love for some1 forever (till i die)? Like how i love my mum?
If my answer is ‘yes’, it would mean that, even if he is badly injured? even if he is disfigured? even if he can’t walk due to whatever reason?
Will i be able to forgive NO MATTER WHAT happens then? Will i stay with this person even if a better person comes into my life? (actually i am pretty confident i can do this hurhur. Reason is simple, there will alawys be a better some1 out there.fingers crossed!)
Yep. Is easy to love someone at his or her best, it is not difficult to love some1 especially when he/she is looking great, have awesome characters and etc. But human being human, we still might fail time to time.
Do we choose to stay with the person whom we once thought is perfect or do we give up because everything is stagnant, is no longer exciting and there is no longer sparks in the r/s?
My Pastor, Pastor Kong Hee, once touched on this topic. He said: Love is a decision.
I was like “what do you mean by love is a decision? Love is not a decision, it is like fate, if it happens, it happens, if the feeling is there, the feeling is there, if not, then there is no Love. Simple”
But i was wrong and i m so ashamed to even admit that i am wrong for the longest time.
Love is a decision because if it is just feelings, then we can all quit now because feelings come and go.
Wow, that sentence really make perfect sense.
I realised that the thinking i had previously was really immature 😦
Yes, back then- when i was in my early twenties, Love is just a kinda feeling to me, yes, i commit to the r/s i had but i wasnt really putting in much effort. (I rather not mention the younger days, i know nothing about love and those rally young days, i don’t even know much about commitment.)
During my early twenties, I had a long term r/s with JJ, the r/s lasted around 4years and i called it off. The reason is, there is no more sparks, we behaved like we are best friends rather than lovers, we are so comfy with each other that we dont really feel attracted to each other anymore. It was just boring, the relationship turned stagnant and dry. I cant deny that the r/s is good, he was1 of the nicest bfs.
We talked about marriage but eventually, i was not ready.
To me, the sparks is gone, yes, he gives me security that i desire the most.
The stability is there, everything is good, but i feel it doesnt keeps me going anymore.
Ironically, security and stability is what i need most now. haha.
I was young, i regretted but when i look back now, i guess, it is better this way. We prolly have different purpose in life anyway.
But if we are still together, i will not call it off just because i am bored or just because there is no more sparks in the r/s.
Though reviving sparks in a dry r/s is near impossible, but nothing is impossible.
Especially when there is God to hold on to the r/s (this is my belief, maybe non believers might not think so).
Another example, my gf’s ex bf. He is the classic example. He knows every gal the same way, go after them the same way, fall in love the same way and ditch them the same way.
It is clear that Love isnt a decision to him, it stops at attraction, after the attraction fades, his ‘love‘ fades too.
No couple will stay excited about each other forever, thats a sad thing to say, but is true. Every kinda excitement will disappear. But have you wonder y some people have that passion towards their hobbies forever? Like, playing badminton, soccer, some paint and etc. They love doing that, they commit to the activities they do and they can go on forever without feeling tired. They can sacrifice their time for that too.
So why isit so hard to stay passionate towards a living human being then?
I cant really answer that but i think, doing the things you enjoy just means you like doing it for yourself. It is like, loving yourself, is a ‘me’ thing.
Loving another person is different, you sacrifice for that person, you give in to that person, you do everything for that person and you basically love that person. To love a person, you have to treat that person as yourself.
Value that person as much as you value yourself.
What you do not want others to do unto you, you wouldnt want to do unto others. 1 fine example is – you wouldnt want your partner to betray you.
Love is a decision and is almost the biggest decision of 1’s life. It is an attraction at the initial stage, then it is an indulgence, finally, it is a decision.
Love is a decision when you find it hard to love the same person anymore, yet, you choose to stay. You choose to not leave, you choose to fulfill the vow, you choose to continue the impulse you commit back then, you choose to love him/her as you love yourself.
I asked myself honestly if i can really Love someone that way and my answer is …i dont know. I am not confident.
Love, i sincerely believe it is as follow:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
It is not easy huh, not at all.
Patience – i have limited patience.
Kindess – i might not be kind enough to console a wrong doing.
Envy – ok if this means jealousy, i am screwed.
Boast – i like to boast abt my partner. #fail
Proud – i am not really proud by nature. 😛
and the list goes on….. goodness. it is tough.
Actually, Love in the Romance sector, has alot to do with every other aspects of life. I always thought that, as long as i can be patient and etc to the 1 i love, i am done. I do not need to be kind or patient to others. Boy i am so wrong!
The fact is, if you cant be patient to your own mother, your friends, strangers, what makes you think you can be patient to some1 u r gona spend your entire life with? AND, Patience is just 1 of the many important attributes to Love.
Although Love conquers everything. I can never tolerate betrayals. Truth is, you do not cheat by accident, you do not choose to make a mistake by mistake. Perhaps, this is 1 of the reasons why i cant love a person sincerely too. Because true love can overcome all mistakes, though this does not means condoning mistakes like Betrayal.
Maybe there is pride in me, but i feel that if you want to cheat, you be single and thats it. Nothing hurts more than being cheated on.
Having said that, i do not know if i truely loved Adrian-my ex. He cheated numerous times and i tolerated that. But, i think i was just being stubborn than being in love. I dont know, is not that i dont mind the cheatings, i do, but i just thought things might be better and i reckon that more as pride than Love.
Since i am on this topic, i would want to remind myself and ALL women out there, never never ever be sucidal for anyone, the right one for you do not need you to sacrifice your life for him to love you. Never ever allow any1 to abuse the precious body that God created, that is your mum’s precious too, NEVER. No 1 is allowed to do that without God’s permission, or, YOUR permission. Respect yourself.
I lost respect for myslf sometime back and thus i lost the respect i should have too. I remind myself about self respect and well, sad but true, you are not qualified to love others when you cant even love yourself. If you are so weak to take good care of yourself, you are only a burden to others, you cant love, you need love but all you might get is pity or wrong attentions.
Ok, anyway, i saw this verse today, in chinese:
My translation: 1 Corinthians 7:8 I speak to those who are not married. I also speak to widows. It is good for you to stay single like me. 9 But if you can’t control yourselves, you should get married. It is better to get married than to burn with sexual longing.
God did not create us without desire, but desire come with a price, happiness comes with a price too, are you willing to pay that price?
Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but the ability to do what we ought. Thus i aint talking about casual sex, i personally dont think it brings happiness.
Anyway, above just my own views, i am not perfect, i cant love selflessly and unconditionally as yet. Though it wud be nice and sweet to start dating again, but i am extremely careful (and skeptical -_-) this time after a terrible fall the previous time.
I wish that, by Grace of God, i can be able to love truly, selflessly and unconditionally. 1 day.
It is not easy but i want to achieve that.
And i do believe in God-send. I am not exactly crossing out possibility with a non believer but i firmly believe that, in order to achieve a common ground, being in a place of same perspective and agreement, my partner has to be of equally yoked.
He has to have the same purpose in life as me, same love for God and allow God to hold us together (i used to think and say that, my r/s will be held on by myself and my partner, it has ntg to do with God. I cant explain why i do not think that way now but well, human can hold on to anything or any1 but human err and God doesnt. Thats all i can say. I will do my best, i trust my partner to do his best too, but i believe in the creator, He holds the best.)
In conclusion of this long long post, which i myslf is getting tired of typing, to love and be loved, you have to (give) love and to love is more than just a 4 letter word…
It is a decision.