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Posts tagged ‘Sermon’

Vdates 3rd week April 2013

IMG_20130420_8Hi^

Its another week and i am seriously dreading the coming month. I have no mood to celebrate my Bday and i dont even like the idea of my Bday approaching that fast.

Totally hated it and am still dreading it. I know i shouldnt but i cant help it. My Bday seems to be shitty every year.

Anw, first and foremost, i feel so sorry for the loss of  one of the local actors. He passed away last Sat due to lymphoma cancer.
I am not a big fan of local entertainment/ mediacorp shows or ‘celebs’. Well i just watch wadever is on the tv since the tv is already on most of the time when i return home from work, daily.

But this actor can really act, and he does not possess that arrogant aura that most of the local celebs do. In other words, he is rather humble as he appears.

It is the loss of Singapore’s media scene.

hwy

Rip Mr Huang. You will be missed. 

Anyway, there are too many sad news recently. I guess the world is turning sadder day by day. Nobody want to read or hear about the news nowadays because it is filled with too much sadness and negative stuffs. What makes it worse is the ignorant comments coming from the netizens.

There are bombings, serious rape cases, stupid adultery scandals, natural disasters, wars and whatnot.

It is really depressing to read about the news now.

I have not much to update too.

I am not really happy but i aint that depressed now… it is getting better for me, i guess.

While i am still not very motivated for the plan i had but i know i have to face it someday unless i quit.

I am giving myself a break till May. Will officially get really busy when May comes. Time really flies isnt it. Before we knw it, it is already almost half a year of 2013.

😦

Anw, just to touch on the sermon of Mary Magdalene (i mentioned in my previous blogpost)..

I rem i was still in a very depressed state and i just suddenly decided to read some biblical material/ books. I do not usually like to read, i rather listen to sermons most of the time.
Thus i dont usually pick up those stack of books on my desk.

That particular night…i picked up 1 booklet sent by RBC Ministries .
Previously, Christina (my CG mate) registered for me and got them to send me materials regularly.
I was really guilty of not reading them because i am lazy… 😦

So anw, that night before i read the booklet, i actually said a short prayer and i mentioned “Jesus, i do not know if you are around. I know you are real, but i do doubt your existence whenever i am so depressed…i am guilty of that but if U are around, will you please give me a sign?”

Then i went to my bed, still tearing, holding a booklet by RBC – it is about Mary Magdalene.

I was reading by myself and my Mum came in.

She on her daily podcast (i seriously think God is very good to my Mum. She was playing with her radio on her hp previously and she just randomly chance upon this FM channel that gives sermons daily in mandarin) and she began to listen.
I do not usually listen to her podcast as it is in Mandarin, i am more used to listen to English ones but i do listen with her sometimes.
She might not understand what she is listening but she enjoys listening and sometimes she would ask me. I am so happy for her.

So that night, she came in with her podcast and i read my material…I never talk to anyone in the family after the fight with my sis, thus i just do my own stuff while she does hers.

As i was reading this in my mind in English “Jesus chased 7 demons out of Mary Magdalene and the name of this lady was mentioned in the bible for more than 12 times…”
Mum’s podcast was speaking the EXACT WORDS IN MANDARIN!!! OMG.

I was so shocked, i mean..what are the chances!??!

I dont usually listen to her podcast and i dont usually read the books sent by RBC…
But on that particular depressing night, after i made that tiny prayer… I actually experienced this very rare and weird, yet peaceful encounter!

 I do not know how to describe but it is very amazing. Some might tell me it is just coincidence but i really do not think it is so coincidental…Somehow, something in me tells me that Jesus gave me this sign that HE is there.

I feel peaceful and i fell asleep with Peace in me, for the 1st time after the fight broke out between Sis and me in the family.

As i type this now, i can still feel the goosebumps… Just imagine! Reading and listening the same thing altogether, in 2 different languages and coming from 2 different sources, in the same room.

It is very creepy haha but it is really very miraculous.

Praise my Lord for the little surprise 🙂

Anw, just fyi, after reading, i actually realise that alot of people including myself, mistaken Mary Magdalene as the prostitute, or the woman that committed adultery in the bible. She is actually NOT and there is no concrete evidence that she worked as a prostitute. 

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But i have to say, the devil isnt some1 that gives up easily too. I was disturbed in the morning, when i was praying, there is this constant voice (not literally in my ear but more like it is speaking in my head. I cant tell if it is psychological on my part but i noe the uneasy feeling in me) that ask me why am i praying and speaking to me telling me  that it is of no use even if i pray.

The feeling was very uneasy and i rem feeling very tired and angry…

I never stop praying though and i even play the worship Songs sang by Sun and i tried to keep myself calm while listening and praying at the same time.

The uneasy feeling only went away after a while…

For non believers, you might be skeptical because i would be too. Even the believers might find it hard to believe but all that i share here is true.
I just thought of sharing and hopefully this encourages you that God is always with you, no matter what you are going through.

It is hard for me because i realise that everytime i minister to people in need, or even when i am just assuring friends and readers in my blog that God is around us, something not so nice wud happen to me, and i know perfectly well that it is from the evil and NOT from God.

I know that my assurance will bite back at me each time but i believe my God is larger than the world’s problem, He will not leave me nor shortchange me.

As i am typing now, situation at home still did not change and it is as bad as it can be and thus i m not looking forward to my Bday. I always thought it will be nice to celebrate with my family, with fun and joy… but looking at it now, it most probably wont happen already.

But by Faith, i am still hoping for the best, even if it doesnt happen on my Bday this year, hopefully things will turn out better soon.

I still believe that God will turn every situation around that is meant to break me.
I still believe that HE will use every situation to bring out the best of me, for me.
I still believe whatever HE allows is for the Best final end result and the process is not important.

Besides, they say that before a great blessing come pass, there will be trials..isnt it?

Frankly, my Christian journey is full of ups and downs. There are also a huge number of skeptics in my life, be it close friends or just friends…
I have people questioning my Faith, i have myself questioning my own Faith, i have people questioning my character and my thinking…

Sometimes it is tiring for me. I am a Christian and that doesnt mean i am perfect, it just means that i am so well aware that i am imperfect and thats why i humble myself and i allow God to work in me. I might fail now and then but i shouldnt be judged as if i am Jesus Christ Himself… Instead, i hope you can see what makes me better and who actually help me along the way. I am trying my best to be good but sometimes i fail, and i fail really hard. Do you know that my best is nothing compared to God’s? Thus i am trying to let God take over, it is easier said than done actually.

I always say i should stay happy no matter who say or does what to me. In this world, too many people are teaching you what to do and what not to do.

I have people telling me “hey you should do this and you shouldnt do that”, i have people saying that “how come u like urself so much that u have to post pictures of urself all the time?”, “how cme u look better in pictures?” , “how come you are not as rich as compared to others in your church?” “how come you still lose your temper, you are a Christian and you shouldnt be angry”, “how come u r not dating? u stay at home everyday, how to get a bf like that? you should go out more!”….. SERIOUSLY.

Worse, a hairstylist who is apparently my church friend even say that i shouldnt cut my hair short because i am not skinny.
Yes, i am not skinny, i am not super slim. I am voluptuous but i am Not fat. But in ignorant Asians’ eyes, a UK8 or 10 is already Darn fat.

So, why do these people care so much? Do they really care or do they just wana talk bad about you?

Look, why cant i upload pics of myself? I like to!

Look, why cant my pics look better than my real? I dont look that bad in real please, my pics are not photo shopped and i am not admitting that i use photoshop because i do not know how.
They are filtered like everyone else’s, i did make use of apps to make them look better by adjusting lightings & colors and i admit that i use a new software now  (on my android)  to make the skin look smoother, the chin sharper.
So? Every gal does  that too, so why are u faulting me?
I like what i see and i do not change the entire picture to be another person. You can still recognize me from the pictures isnt it? NO?

Look, why cant i have short hair just because i am not model-thin? So curvy gals should always have long hair to cover the face? I dont get it.

Look, why cant i be angry? It doesnt mean i am a robot with no feelings just because i am a Christian!?

The world is madness. People are not looking at themselves but they are looking at others and criticizing others.

It is easy to say “Ignore others, just do everything with conscience and with integrity and feel happy” but how many can actually do that and not feel affected?

It is really not easy to live with critical people and the world will really be better if people stop teaching others what to do.
But it wont happen so we have to always adjust ourselves. Sadly.

Well, i thought of dying so many times before. (of course my problems are more than what i typed up there lah. Obviously i wont want to die just because people’s critisize me of not being skinny right?!)
But honestly, if Dying is the solution, the whole world should be Dead long ago.

We are all waiting and anticipating that ray of light each and every day isnt it?

So, thats the life i am living. Everyday. I am not any better than any of you here. Just in case people think that i am living very well and happy and  thus i can post all the positive and happy posts. I did not reveal my sadness previously, but that doesnt mean i am not sad ok. I am sad.

But i guess i am learning to be happier, everyday.

🙂

I believe God will not shortchange me, maybe there is still hope in me. Haha.

Even if is 1% of hope. I hang on to it…I hope that you are hanging on to Hope too. For you will not know what tomorrow brings.

Ok, i dont know why it turns a little emotional now.. haha, so i better stop!

On a side note, i am loving my skin now. Havent been so perfect for quite sometime! Thanks to Hada LaBo!

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Ok, this is Confirmed non edited/ non filtered – bare skin under normal lightings.
Get that bottle of Hada Labo and try out now!

IMG_20130421_1This is obviously filtered.

Gf is complaining to me now over wechat, haha. I am blessed to have cute and awesome friends. Though not alot but i am thankful for real friends and a few of them is enough 🙂 And i miss the 4 babies of Gf!

I cant wait to go back to church, head out with gf, 7 and Gary soon, hurhur.

Today is Monday, arghh. 4 more days to weekend and i seriously cant wait. What makes the wait even more miserable and unbearable is my injured leg. Guess i overstretched it and i am kinda crippling now. I hope it gets better so that i can go jog soon 😦

IMG_20130420_1 IMG_20130418_1I am loving my new exercise gear in neon colors! 😀

IMG_20130420_18Mum and me eating infamous Tao Huey at Granny’s.

As i said, i have nothing much to update now so i shall stop here. Till e next post! God Bless.

Some Pictures (ok, is ALOT) of my Hair now, i love the Purple streaks (and some of them turned pink now)

I might get rid of them soon? Still deciding if i should do another color, so i better showcase them now. haha.

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Loves
ValliezLesley

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Vdates – the broken one.mid Apr 2013

Hi.

I do not know what to say or how to start but i am gona do it before this blog turns into another dead piece of place.

First of all, i am better but i am obviously still hurting. This hurt has turned from something so raw to an inner hurt from within.

Imagine Pain from a raw wound to an internal pain in the bones kinda pain.

Yeap.

It is very painful but since i am still breathing, i guess i have to just bite on…

I was feeling so lethargic and i wonder why. Because i am not usually that tired (yes i am tired but not till this extent)… I woke up feeling super restless and really really sleepy. I wonder why. I slept earlier than usual (used to be 1am) and has been sleeping earlier at around 10+ or 11pm.

Yet, i am feeling super super drainned.

Frankly, i am quite worried.

I was reading around and i chance upon articles about Depression.

HERE.

I cant help feeling afraid because it is the symptoms i have been experiencing.

It is total sadness.

I once heard that, if you want to overcome your fear or depression, you have to face the reality that you are depressed or you have to come face to face and confront your fear (be it fear of height, fear of getting into another r/s and fear of whatever)

Yes, i know i am depressed emotionally but i did not expect myself to be depressed in the health, i did not expect myself to be mentally unhealthy- that’s what i mean.

And honestly, i find it hard to go home. I return home with a heavy heart and i hate to face the people at home. I dont hate the people but i just hate to face them.

Especially my sister. Life seems normal for her, she does not feel anything and yes, perhaps she shouldnt be feeling anything… Not that i hope that she is living in misery but it pricks me to see her so nonchalant and ignorant about the hurts she has brought.

In another words, she is trying hard to be a stranger in a family and thats not exactly something i ought to be happy about.

Returning home now is just like going back to a House to sleep, eat and bathe.

Right, that home i used to call home, is now a house to me. No love, No Warmth, Nothing.

Thats what she described when she was young and when there wasnt anyone with her in the family.

Ironically, now that everyone is around, trying to make things better (except that abusive Dad of mine, he isnt around anymore) and i feel even more lonely than ever. The House is now filled with people, but the loneliness is not any lesser, but worse.

I hope she is happy that i am getting this treatments, that i have to go through loneliness with more people in the family which she went through alone years back.

Yes, i am tasting the shit, i am also recalling how Dad used to abuse me and dote on you. Are you happy now that i am worse off than you?

Do you still feel that you are the only Victim in the family now?

I can assure you that i am going through Hell now, are you glad?

I have been praying to God for Grace and Forgiveness. I cant stand the fact that she is so blinded by her selfishness and she cant see the hurts she caused me. I do not know how to overcome now and i really pray that i can see her and look at her, her doings, in God’s way, through God’s eyes.

Because my own eyes failed and my heart for her failed and died.

This blog is started to spread Positive thinking and stuffs.

I did not imagine that it can be so hurtful and low, but i am sorry guys, i cant hold it inside me anymore. Suicidal thoughts are worse and everytime i think about what might happen after i am dead, i cant help thinking that it might be better if i am dead.

But looking at it, my mum would probably be so hurt and she wud have wasted all her efforts in bringing me up…

My friends might forget me, shrugs. I dont even dare to think of what my sister will feel.

1 of my favorite artiste suicides and he left the world feeling so upset for his departure from earth. – is that really what i want for my Mum?

Suicide is not a feasible solution, afterall? …….

I am also trying my best to be better and to recover… Trust me, i am doing my best…

Just to take a break from all these sadness (i am not emo. i am really very upset.  & i guess it is not hard to understand.i will never emo for things that are pointless)

Since the sister has decided to back out from the ‘plan’ we had initially, i have to start the journey alone, yes all by myself. It is not a bad thing but it is not really worth being happy.

In any way, i will have to continue the plan and not letting circumstances bring me down, right?

The Sister’s friend did told me that he is more concern about my family well being than my plan. I appreciated that thought but honestly, instead of holding on to something that is not within my control… i have to grab on to something which i can control isnt it?

Do i hv to lose everything before the whole Depression gets worse?

So thats that for my ‘plan’. Will share more when things are more firmed.

I got myself registered in the recent craze (not so much in Singapore but more of TW, HK and China). Weibo.

My account is so new and i honestly feel ashamed, terribly ashamed that i cant even navigate.

It is all in Chinese, not  that i cant read Chinese but honestly, to read everything in Chinese is really tedious and i feel giddy while doing  that.

Some of its instructions are so deep (to me) and i just want to give up using it.

It is like Twitter but much much harder (maybe language aside, the way it is constructed is really not very user friendly).

Ayte, i started it for fun, for stalking of Celebs (if i hv the time) so it doesnt matter.

If you r a weibo user, do add me up and perhaps you can guide me how to use!

My Weibo is at http://weibo.com/valliezfaith or you can find me at Valliez Lesley.

Not sure how to add friends even, dont ask me. Ha.

I went over to visit GF again and i frankly felt better though it is hurting inside me the whole while. But Cel and the 4 doggies did their part and their best to cheer me up.

We played and we had fun with our ‘mini project’ and we  drank the very not nice Champagne that i brought over. Chatted till dawn and i really like the time spent.

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perhaps one’s sadness can really be told through the eyes. they say i have sad eyes. WT!

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Thanks babies. 🙂 I really feel slightly better that night…

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Its been sometime!

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Random play
(lyrics seems legit now, for me)

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Then it is time for Church on Sat. I did not serve that particular Sat because i do not think i have the capacity to minister to hurting people when i am hurting and doubting. Perhaps i am still not vry mature in handling my own emotions and minister works. But i guess is better that i acknowledge it than forcing it through.

Well, someone went with me, though i appreciate that someone went with me but i am really not thankful that the whole thing bores him and the whole outing was like crap. Full of boredom and sadness. Like i say, i have no special feeling or yearning towards someone &/ or anyone right now.

Anyway, i do not need anyone to accommodate to me anymore, if it is not to your liking, then dont do it on account of me. In short, dont do anyting for me against ur liking.

Well, whatever.

The movie later on that Sat was TERRIBLY CRAPPY – the Exorcism part 2 or something. It deserves 0.5 star over 5 stars. I dont even know how i manage to give it 0.5 stars. It is the lousiest movie i watched in these 2 years i think. Please dont even try. Just wait for Fushion or wadever.

What really was the best on Sat was Pastor Kong’s Sermon on Saturday.

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It touches me as it really touches the raw wound i am having. As usual. I used to find it hard to hear from God during tough times but i have to be thankful that most of the time, when i am desperately hurt and in need, God still speaks to me.

That day, Church sang a worship song and i cant remember the title but there was this lyrics that goes: I am desperate for you (Jesus)

Honestly, life is not at its best but it has been great till this recent family sadness happened. I did not forget Jesus of course, before, during the incident. But i admit i was abit slacked off before this incident.

Also, whenever i help to minister to someone hurting, telling and assuring the person about God, days later i will be confronted by the Devil of the same doubts as that person whom i ministered to.

You might be thinking “then i really wont dare to help anyone anymore” I have that thinking too. But honestly, thank God and Holy Spirit, i can never bear to see some1 in pain so i will always help if i can, even if it means i will have to go through trials myself.

Anyway, i just want to say, no matter if i am going through trials because my leaders are going through trials or whether i wud go through trials because  i am doing God’s works…. I will bite on and not stop doing whats right because God’s favour will be on people who have a heart for Him and doing His works.

Yes, i am very very hurt and depressed still… but that doesnt mean God is unreal right? I believe He is still with me, probably He hasnt show up or show any solution yet but by Faith, i believe. Even Oxygen doesnt seem like it is  physically there, but i still breathe in Oxygen right?

Ok, continuing where i left off, after worship song, i realise that i really am desperate for Jesus now. It is human nature, when you are in trouble, you will then cry louder and yearn deeper for your Saviour. Right?

Pastor Kong went on to preach about Faith. It is a common topic for any Christian and honestly, if i did not go through the hurts i have in Family, i will probably sleep on this topic again. It seems like ‘Faith’ has been overly preached.
Probably this is the time i should receive Words abt Faith again.

I cant remember the whole sermon, and i used to think that is very bad. But i grew to realise and know that, you do not need to understand the whole sermon to be edified. Even if you only receive 1 point out of the many points, you have received the Word that you needed.

I remember Pastor Kong saying this (this has been said many times by different pastors before too but i guess i needed this reminder hard in the face) – The devil has came to steal, steal what? Steal your wealth? Steal your house? Steal your income? Steal your bf/gf? The devil can steal everything but everything else can be recovered, eg. income can be cut but you will never b jobless forever if you r willing to work.
There is one thing that is dangerous that the devil steal & this as it might not be recoverable  – your Faith.

My Faith was terribly shaken and i even blame God for not removing the label on me. The label of  ‘inferiority’ and ‘depression’. I questioned and i drifted away and i really feel a distance between Jesus and me. It was not until this sermon, which reminded me that Faith is something that bridges the distance between me and God. I am only far from God because my Faith is breaking and the bridge therefore is breaking..

My Faith is weak, it might not even be the size of a whole mustard seed, but i believe there is still a very tiny bit left and thus i am still around.

It is not easy to hang on, but it is also hard to  give up. 

Because who knows what is at the end of the tunnel?

What if that moment of success will come after the 20th time of failure and what if i am already already at my 20th time and the 21st time will be a success?

Pastor Kong went on to say about a woman who went to Pastor Cho bc of  her daughter. A daughter whom she nearly wanted dead because she is so terrible a person. The woman and her husband were feeling hopeless for the daughter.
Frankly, my sister isnt a very bad person, she is a sweet girl and i believe she is not one that wants me dead. At her age, i wasnt so concern about my family members too. Perhaps after some incident outside with my abusive and psychotic Ex, i realise that Family is still the best and i cherish my Family more than i used to.

Thus even though it is 2 different cases, but i find the relation way too similar, the way we feel hopeless (the woman and i ) about the family and the way we are disappointed with our kins.

Pastor Kong said that, for situation to change, we have to look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes. His perspective will never be bad, it will always be good. If we can look at the situation with Jesus’s eyes, things will change.

Frankly, i have never been able to look at my sister with Jesus’s eyes because His eyes is full of love and forgiveness. I am full of sadness and grievances for my Sister…

Thus i really pray that situation will change not by human nor actions but by Will of God.

Sidetrack from the sermon – After this incident, alot of people around me has been asking me to let go and Let God…even a co worker whom i do not see myself talking much to (not from the same company, more like a Marketing partner) will comfort me and pray for me, telling me that i should let go and Let God – (he doesnt know what happens thou)

I am rather thankful to Pastor Kong and my church, perhaps i am destined to be rooted here, to receive and to give. Even at this very minute, which Pastor has to face tremendous accusations and stress, he still manage to minister to broken souls and i am one of the broken souls… I am thankful to him, my church and of cos, God.

Here is a Video from the very anointed Pastor John Bevere to cheer us on during this crazy tough time 🙂 Click here.

Perhaps God really hasnt left me a bit, and i am still trying to find out more traits of God… Will you keep me in prayers?

Right, i have to go… and hopefully, the next time i am back, i will have better and happier stuffs to blog about…

My birthday is coming and i remember saying that i really love Birthdays but i did not expect things to turn out this way, even the Sister who once wanted to celebrate with me…is now not on talking terms with me…

Best Birthday present or what…

Upset, but i leave it all (emotions) to you, my Lord.

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Be Back soon,

Valliez Lesley

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